Struggling this Christmas

Christmas is around the corner

Well today I am having a really rough day, prayers are needed. I look under the tree and see all these gifts that belong to my spoiled rotten much loved niece and think how much the gift I really want is not under there and how tough it is this year to have Christmas.

I thought I would be okay with this but this week 3 people have said they are pregnant, once again here we go again how many like time it was 20 in 2 weeks... How many the week before Christmas? Don't get me wrong I am happy but hurting deep inside. One person is someone who is really close to me and man does it make the wound sting harder.

I keep talking to my friend about this all and I cry when I tell her and its tough because I know my time will come but seriously HOW LONG??

Today I was thinking, all I wanted when I was 19 and married was to live in Elkford and have Evan have a great job at the mine, it took 5 years for it to happen and when it did it wasnt quick it was June Resume, August 1st interview, September 2nd interview in person and October hired.. So here I sit and think All I want now is to have a family, children of my own, children I can love and cuddle and have call me mom. Its tough this March it has been 4 years of waiting and trying, I hope I am a mom before the 4 year mark.

Please keep us in your prayers and pray that 2010 brings us wonderful news quickly and that I dont have to wait anymore its tough.. I have learn patients and well its time.

God please help me make it through hopefully my last ever alone Christmas of not being a mother, this is tough God and I need your help.

Denise

On my mind

Wow its been awhile since I have posted, that is because Evan and I have a blog together now and I have been posting there. http://waitingforalittlereker.blogspot.com/

This blog may be all over the place but what have I been thinking about lately. When did you start on the internet? Do you have relationships/friendships that you will never forget? What do you do on the internet?

Well for me I started on the internet 11 years ago and I chatted in a Christian chatroom then I found another one after that where I met Evan. But I had some strong friendships with people when I was a teen and in time we stopped talking to one another or we drifted apart.

Well Jesus Cafe I met my friend Kaci and Brian we got in a lot of trouble in the site that one day we all got banned until we apologized for what we did wrong. Brian was Kaci and my man and I spent tons of hours talking to Brian and Kaci each night. Well years have gone by and I talk to Kaci maybe once a year and Brian I have talked to randomly. Brian was a musical guy who drove a van and delivered papers. To me he was a sweet guy and I introduced him to my IRL friend Christine who dated him for awhile and actually got the pleasure of meeting him, it just didnt work out for them. Well this past week I was driving by Brandon MB and it was early so I thought I would try to see if Brian has been on facebook recently or if he was at camp, every summer he went to camp to be a counselor, well my heart sank, a piece of me was ripped away when I read Brian died... WHAT are you kidding me how he is only 27 years old, Brian OMG I talked to you in June everything was going good. Brian passed away July 3rd while delivering his papers, he had chest pain and sat in his van and died. I am so upset that he died alone, God I pray he didn't suffer at all and I pray he wasn't alone in the van. My heart still breaks. Brian I will never forget you, it breaks my heart we never met. Brian I feel awful for your family as your brother died 2 years ago.

Please if you have dear friends who mean a lot to you please try to find them and tell them how much you care for them. You never know when they will be gone. Friendships may only last awhile but memories last a life time.

There are a few friends I had when I was young, I always wonder what happend to them, I think I will go and search and see if I can find them.

I was going to share with you my fav blogs I read but for now I will leave you with that.

Rest in peace Brian Cookson I will never forget you



Brian James Cookson (August 21, 1981 - July 3, 2009) of Brandon passed away suddenly on July 3, 2009 at the Brandon Regional Health Centre. Brian spent his entire life in Brandon. He attended Green Acres, J.R. Reid, Waverly and Neelin High School, graduating in 1999. At the time of his passing, he delivered early morning papers for the Winnipeg Sun. He also worked for the Brandon School Division as a lunch supervisor for Meadows School and as an EA for the woodworking shop at Riverheights School. He was a member of Big Brothers and Sisters, and The Salvation Army. He enjoyed music from the time of his birth. He played violin with the Conservatory Orchestra, making many tours with this group. He also toured with the Neelin School Choir to Prague in 2000. Brian played in the Brandon University Orchestra and for the last five years with the Brandon Community Orchestra on viola. He also played euphonium in The Salvation Army band and keyboard with the Praise and Worship Team. In recent years, Brian began to write music and do arrangements for the BCO. Brian is survived by his parents, Charlie and Edna Cookson, a brother, Dave (Wanda) Cookson, and a sister, Beverleigh (Kevin) Broughton. He also has six nephews. He was predeceased by his brother Rick in 2007. A Celebration of Life service will be held at the Brockie Donovan Chapel, 332-8th Street, on Saturday, July 11, 2009 at 1:00 p.m. with Capt. Bruce MacKenzie of The Salvation Army officiating. Interment will follow at Rosewood Memorial Gardens. In lieu of flowers, donations may be placed with The Salvation Army, 9 Princess Ave. East, Brandon, MB, R7A 1R8 or to a charity of your choice.

Prayer

A little boy named Stellan has been living with SVT (rapid Heart beats) is in bad shape and needs all our prayers.
Please pray for him and his family, pray his heart will be healed.

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/


Stellan, Jen and PC you are in my prayers

McLinky

There’s a great new “linky” service available and I wanted to let you know about it. It’s called MckLinky – www.mcklinky.com. After realizing the need for a new, reliable linky capability, Brent Riggs and MckMama got together to create a free, easy to use linky service for all their blog friends.

MckLinky is a free link list feature that allows you to do include lists of other blog links like MckMama does on Not Me! Monday. You can use MckLinky any time you want your blog readers to leave a list of links on your blog. It’s simple, reliable, free...and loads of MckFun!

Thanks for spreading the word, good "luck" and happy MckLinking!

That's the way I like it

Wow I need to start updating this more.

Anyways I had my HSG and man did it ever hurt like a pain! Oh man... But great news my tubes are open.

DH had to do another test and just praying it comes back normal if it does not then I believe we are done for now. But we will talk, we are very excited to do the adoption journey.

Some people don't get why we would give up but really we aren't giving up we are just taking a detour right now and we want to help a child out who is not feeling loved. I am sick of people telling me what I should be doing, instead of them listening to our plans. I am glad that others don't have the same plan as we do thats wonderful but get it out of their heads that this is the route we want to choose not theirs. The journey sucks as to many people have their own opinions and won't just listen.

Their is a song I love and it really helps me know the decisions we are making is the right one, its going to be a long bumpy emotional road but its going to be well worth it.

Evan and I have both filled out all our paper work and now we need to get medicals and criminal records done. And also we picked 4 amazing people to do our paper work for us, people we are blessed to have in our life and 3 out of the 4 got the papers last week. Jackie I hope yours comes tomorrow. They have to answer questions about us, I am happy for who we choose.

A friend from my home town is out in Kelowna adopting her two beautiful girls. I am super happy for her.

Evan and I have been talking about adopting a sibling group. We would love 2 or 3. So we will be putting that out for our choice. I am excited and know the last 3 years of trying for a baby and not getting anywhere has been a reason and thats because we are called to adoption.

Here is the verse to the songAnd how can two people
Who built a loving home
Try for years
And never have a child of their own
And somewhere out there tonight
There is a baby no ones holding tight
In need of love
To me that don't add up

I might make a new blog, have yet to decide on Evan's and my journey to adopt.

The weather tonight is calling for Snow 30cms oh man!!!

Sad emotional day for the Freeman family

Wow I must say I am very heart broken, and my heart breaks for this family.

They are the Freeman family and I have been reading their blog for awhile. Yesterday their one pound miracle baby has died after spending 11 months in the hospital. The Lord has taken her home.

Kayleigh was born 12 weeks premature weighing 1lb she fought for 11 months of her life. Her family was ready to take her home but one surgery left to repair a hernia and well something went wrong, Kayleigh was left brain damaged. Yesterday she passed away.

Please pray for the Freeman family... They will be on the Doctor's tomorrow (Wednesday)- http://www.thedoctorstv.com/main/content/Kayleigh

Here is the families website -http://kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/

This Family is Amazing

Well this family is amazing, they have triplets and then adopted two little boys both with some medical problems and now they are going for 2 girls!

Check them out- http://fromthetrenchesofadoption.blogspot.com/

They are also doing a draw for a free IPOD Nano 8GB all you have to do is donate $5 and get your name in for the draw so they can bring their little girls home from Bulgaria!

So once again the website is -http://fromthetrenchesofadoption.blogspot.com/

rough time

well today sucks... All I want is to be a mother instead I am a women who suffers from infertility and well let me tell you it sucks.

I was suppose to go to the hospital on Tuesday to get an HSG and Ultrasound, so I had my period (AF- Aunt Flo) for 14 days and well all was going well. THEN Saturday we drive 1 hour and 40 mins and I get to walmart and what do I notice AF are you kidding me OMG!! So now it sucks... I have to cancel all my appointments.

Why can't things work out in our time, God has his hand and I wonder what he has planned.

Anyways Happy Mother's Day to those mother's out there and those that want to be a mother

Cats+ chipmunks= entertainment

So I sit here and think about how hard some try to have a baby and then how others pop them out, and how others just have horseshoes and are able to get what they want now! Then they have bumps and don't understand why...

This mother's day I am hoping and praying it will be the last that I won't be a mother.

As I sit her and think I am very thankful for my life!

Evan and I both have wonderful families, even though Evan's live so far away we were blessed with his family for 5 wonderful years. And I am thankful we have my family to be close by and all my friends here. I missed a lot living in Ontario but was greatful for the wonderful family members and friends we have and miss them all dearly.

Well I have decided the last few days I have been crabby over a fight with someone and I have decided no one is worth the stress and emotions I had. I was pretty frustrated.

I have been lucky to have two wonderful cats who I love and the last two days have been crazy here and I have to say I am really mean.
Yesterday Howie was sitting on the tv stand and went flying into the window like a bird.. There was a a chipmunk... Haha well this chipmunk has tormented my cat all day. Well this morning who came back but the wonderful chipmunk oh man I am mean, I threw out some almonds and now there are two and they are driving my cats nuts. Hahaha I am so mean... But its a good laugh for the week I have had hahaha

Life is full of adventures

Well Evan's aunt follows my blog and asked what was new

Well here is the low down..

I go for my HSG and an ultrasound on May 12th, For those who don't know what HSG is its to check to see if your tubes are open. After this if all is well with my tubes and stuff we will do clomid!

Now a big worry with clomid is multiples I do know it can happen but will it happen I dunno, It all depends if how man mature Follies I have. If we had 8 we would talk about it but 8 is pushing it but what are the chances... I have a friend who had 8 and did IUI and none took. And who knows about if the sperm can make it to the eggs. Its great LOL the joys of my life.

Then we move on to adoption we have 18 chapter with tons of questions we are working through. Its tough but we are making it through. Then we will meet with the social worker. Its great.

I am very thankful to have supportive people in my life and that I know some won't so its better just push them out of the way and go on with true family and friends. The ones you know will be there for you no matter what.

Evan and I have big decisions to make in life right now and the worst thing is people butting in and trying to tell me what I should do, I don't tell them what to do so they should not tell me what to do at all.... Its taking me back to I shouldn't live with Evan before marriage... Well its no one else's business. What happens... I know a lot of stuff and I don't go attacking people pushing stuff in their face... I have tons of close friends that I have learned a lot from.

So there you have it where we stand!
We are hoping to do clomid next month I will try to post but it will probably more private as I want to be private about stuff now.

I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is. Albert Camus

What to do

I don't know what to think..

Today I took my best friend down town and her two kids, we were grocery shopping and Nike said Mom why does Denise and Evan not have kids, and Nana said well they will one day. Then he said Mom maybe their baby is in someone else's belly..
Wow does that hit home, is that a sign oh man God help me to get through this tough time.

I struggle I am wasting time doing fertility treatments and should just go and adopt. I really have that feeling, I think Evan and I will need to really talk. Since I have not gotten AF yet not sure where she is...


So yes that is my life right now!

there is a day drawing near when this darkness breaks to light!

there is a day drawing near when this darkness breaks to light!

Wow isn't that true, we have come to 3 years of being off BC and trying hard for a baby, wow its the hardest struggle ever. I see my husband look at our friends babies and his eyes light up and I look at the love they have for their kids and I break. I break for and for Evan. I break to see the pain in his eyes how he wishes we had a baby to love and cuddle each day when he came home. How I know a baby would build us stronger as a couple as a family. Right now we both have to much free time and spend it different ways. How we could fight over the baby and who gets to change the poopy bum. I hurt so bad oh God. I hurt to the point I don't want to watch other people's kids I want my own to watch. God please help me through this hard time.

God I also have given up Lord I am down on my knees for help Lord for losing weight please help me oh Lord give me strength to lose weight. I can not do this alone.

A beautiful song- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvrBQL8swLI

Turn the darkness I have into light Lord God

Praise to God in the highest

Oh what a day what a day!

I woke up not feeling good, cold has moved to my head and oh man it kills, my eyes are watering right now and I cant stop from sneezing. DH was nice and cleaned the house as its Saturday and we have Pizza family day usually every other week on Saturday's. So my niece came over to play with me but a friend was over doing posters for Youth Group, so Larkin coloured with us. My bro and Evan played Xbox 360.

Well I had to run downtown to get stuff, one cold medicine, two a bottle of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum for the guy who is fixing our van tomorrow.

Well we got home I went to shut the hatch and boom I dropped the bag with the bottle of rum in it OMG I was so mad at myself there went $36... GREAT!!! Thank God I didn't buy the $58 bottle... So now next week I have to go buy another bottle....

Anyways there is still no period, I have no clue where she is, why she won't show her ugly face.

Major Prayer requests tonight

Stellan who is in STV, please pray for this little boy and his heart that his heart will slow down and go back into a normal rhythm. http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Praise for Eli, his family was away adopting 2 boys and when they came home Eli was white as a ghost they took him to the hospital and they figured he has Leukemia well praise it is not! and its 100% curable. http://www.themalonefamily.us/

The Daniel Family- Brittany's water broke at 24 weeks, she is now 25 weeks please pray she can make it to 28 weeks. They are from Alabama but she was in DC for work so she and her husband Beau are away from their 17 month old son in DC. http://beauandbrittanydaniel.blogspot.com/

For Spencer and Crystal, they just lost their 8 month old son Sage, he died in his crib. Please pray for this family at this time for the loss and struggle they will have. God Bless little Sage.http://spencer-crystal5.blogspot.com/

Remember the Tipping family as they lost their 6 babies a few weeks ago. http://www.thetippingfamily.com/

Pray for my small town, there is a lot of vandalism going on all the churches have suffered from broken windows. Please pray for protection over the town.

Why????

Have you ever had someone tell you that they would kill their child if it had DS or anything else? Well my bestfriend just told me that her SIL had an abortion because they thought it might have DS. It makes me so angry that you would kill a child because it has an illness or disability and you are to selfish to be able to love a child. YOU should never ever get pregnant if this is your view because seriously you are a low sick person... I am sorry But I am sick of hearing people are killing their baby because of an ultra sound that says they might had DS, half of the kids are born fine and they wouldn't give it a chance, they do not deserve anymore children.

This leads me to a story of a blog I remember reading, that the women was pregnant and that during an ultrasound her babies heart was very sick and the Dr's kept telling her they did not think the baby would live at 24 weeks, they gave their son to God. Well Stellan was born and was born very healthy and was doing awesome, until the other day when Stellan was ill and they gave him a double dose of medication, his heart rate went to 300BPM and they have gotten it down to around 220 but it needs to drop more. Stellan is in need of lots of prayer and his family, they have given Stellan to God. I pray that God will help slow down Stellan's heart and that God will heal this child one more time.

My heart breaks

Well my heart is breaking so bad for the Tipping Family, they lost all 6 of their babies this weekend.

Life stinks, to suffer infertility then get pregnant with 6 babies and then to lose all 6 babies at 20 weeks like How is that fair in life. Seriously is sucks big time, get their hopes up and get it ripped away. I would rather have the fertility treatments fail then to carry 6 babies for 5 months and lose them all LIFE is so unfair and I don't understand why crap happens to good people.

I am having a hard time with my faith and haven't talked to anyone about it, why because I think its so unfair that we put our faith in a loving Father and we get hurt and broken inside. Like all I have ever wanted is a baby and to me its so flippen hard to get a baby, but tonight a hooker/drug addict will sleep with someone and get pregnant HOW IS THAT FAIR??? ughhhh

I am so flippen sick of people telling me that I am young and that I have lots of time to have a child... No I don't I want one now! It sucks so bad! And I want to adopt and try fertility and UGH OH MY GOSH LIFE SUCKS!

TIPPING FAMILY I AM SO SORRY :(

Prayer Request

Today I want to come here to pray for a family that I have never met but have been touched by reading their story.

They were pregnant with 6 babies and delivered one the other day and this morning the identical twin. So they have lots 2 babies in a few days and still have 4 more, please pray they can keep the babies in for 4 more weeks at least and hopefully 12.
http://www.thetippingfamily.com/ is their blog.

So on Wednesday we are going to Edmonton I can't wait to see my best friend again and spend 4 days with her.

Hopefully soon my period will come so I can get an ultrasound and an HSG.

ugh I suck

Man where to start..

I am feeling overwhelmed and thinking of what to do, like I am going to do Clomid but my friend wanted me hire me to work with her autistic child but I am very overwhelmed and sent her a message tonight saying I am not going to have time but I hope she isn't mad at me. Ugh I feel so mean but really I need to focus on myself and if doing fertility drugs is going to wear me out I don't want no commitments.

I hope I never lost a friend, she does my hair too and owe's me because I babysat lots.

Ugh I guess people take me for granted and I let people walk on me, it sucks.

Like my friend, I drive her everywhere..
Then This friend who keeps calling me and expecting me to take her kids, today on FB she put thanks to another friend for taking her son as she was overwhelmed and then she thanked her and said Thank God for Friends like you. Well the thing that erks me is that she asked me to take him but I had other things I needed to do, I have income tax and stuff that I am trying to get done but its driving me nuts... That people want me to do stuff... and I dont say NO!! ugh dang!!

Ugh Life sucks

Today I am so frustrated....

Well I talked to the adoption lady and it was going well till I told her I was overweight, then she went off about it are you kidding me???? You are worried that I'm over weight but want a child even with Autism.... I feel like I have been slapped in the face, fine I won't eat ever again... I will lost weight then I will get a kid right away I doubt it. I have lots of strength's and they may look right past that.

Oh she also said if we are going to do clomid then she won't come do the home study because if we got pregnant it would be a waste of time. So now I have to decide if I want to adopt or to do clomid ugh life sucks!

I just wish I could POAS on friday and find a BFP, yeah right!

God please help me I feel so empty I want a child to fill that need that I have. Oh God please help us figure out what to do, clomid or adoption Lord...

Oh yeah I am on day 3 of no pop and its killing me man! My head is pounding.... I can do it! I even went out for lunch oh each of the 3 days and had water...

blah

Well here it goes 3 years ago I went off BC and went to a dr to figure out if I have PCOS, well the dr I went to was a crack and found out I did.... Well I wasn't in a big rush to have a baby at that time so I kept up with her.... Well her biggest concern was my weight and wouldn't do anything for me because I was obese... I got mad but we still had tests we were doing so I stuck to it. She tried some weight loss drugs with me nothing happend. DH and I were going to a new RE but then he got the job here. So I live in a remote area and have to drive 3 hours for an RE, well there is a dr who is an OB/RE on the side and I got in with him and today I went to him he is super nice.. He told me straight out yes losing weight will help but its very hard for those who have PCOS. So we are starting from fresh and he is going do new blood work and another ultra sound, and he is going to check my tubes to make sure they are opened. The dr said I was to fat.

So here is how it goes
Blood Ultra sound
DH sperm test (again)
DR's appointment
Check Tubes
Clomid for 6 months with Metformin ( I am already on metformin)

If not pregnant within the 6 months- Trip to the RE in Calgary probably for IUI So there is my TTC journey we are also going to do the adoption process also. I am super excited and hope we can conceive our own baby.

This past week I have been feeling very awful sick to my stomach and just plain out tired. Have I thought about being pregnant sure have but do I think I am NO there is No way. I bought tests but I am to scared to use them. Why because I hate seeing a BFN (Big Fat Negative). I am going out to a party next Saturday so I will take a test then to just make sure. The other morning I woke up with dh and I felt so awful I closed my eyes and went back to sleep. Maybe my sugars are all off, who knows....

I'll keep ya posted

Adoption

Well so today I was talking to Evan's aunt we love her... And I have been struggling over the fact of adopting a child with Autism. Today Jackie told me no matter what I have the resources on the web and that I am a great teacher and there is no need to worry. Its broke my heart, yes I know I can deal with an autistic child and will if thats what I am called to.

Its tough! I filled out all the forms and are sending them tomorrow out.

I feel like we have hit a big road block because the lady is so slow, I know she is busy doing business but still I feel so frustrated I just want to be speaking with her. I have delt with infertility long enough now I have to deal with slow process.

How many times do you tell your child you love them? How many times do you kiss them? Man I see so many people now a days who don't kiss their children or tell them they love them. I can't wait to have a child to kiss them all day and to just tell them I love them and that I care for them.

Faith

So today we had church and it was really good and LA our pastor asked us to start praying for a certain group of people. Well I have found myself praying for Pregnant ladies and well Cocaine Ladies. I am also praying for children that are up for adoption, I pray each night for out future child, only God knows if we will have our own baby or if our child is alive right now living somewhere else.

I always wonder about religion and yeah I am awful for it sometimes I feel like what the heck am I doing? First off I am anti bible, I hate when people throw scripture at you FOR GOODNESS SAKES!! Mary was 12 when she had Jesus 12 DID you see that 12!!! Like this is now a days, we eat pork, we get tattoos and we pierce our bodies. We wear shoes and we drive cars, we don't ride donkey's or camels. Do I question my faith yes all the time, can I feel God not really. Today during worship they sang How Great is our God! Yes I believe in him and he is wonderful but then there is times I sit back and think why would a Great God allow suffering and pain that we go through. God has a plan for us but God also gave us brains and a hear to have our own plan to. I only listen to Christian music, why because I find peace with it and enjoy it.

But I do and will always pray even when I feel like I am living a fake life. I would love to have a debate with someone on the bible because really we don't follow over half and then those who throw some scripture out it drives me mental.


Anyways on a good note tomorrow I need to call the Call dealership and get a piece for our van and the guy who lives above us is going to fix it for us for free! Yahoo I am super excited about that!

Evan and I bought flowers the other day and we bought tulips and Gerber daisy's. I actually love the tulips, I want more! Maybe on Friday when I go to the dr's!

I need to work out this week, I am hoping to swim tues/wed and thursday

I am hoping for more energy this week.

Prayer for the night

God
I thank you for who you are and what you do, even though times like now I am lost and do not feel you. I try hard but its tough God where are you? I Can't feel you and I feel so lost.

God I pray this week we get an answer for the adoption that we can get on with it. The lady is super busy right now God and I hope that she gets time to start with us. But God I pray for Alana as she is hopefully getting her daughter, I pray for Alana financial wise while she is gone to spend the time with her daughter.

God I pray for Stacey and For Samantha, who are being blessed with 4 babies and 2 babies. I pray you be with them and the babies they need another 10 weeks God I pray the babies stay in for that long.

God I pray for all the ladies in this world who are addicted to Cocaine and for those who are pregnant to be with those little babies. But also to be with them that they can over come their addiction and get the help they need.

God, I pray for Evan and I and our future child either a baby we might conceive or a child who will be born by another lady or a child that is already born. God I pray you be with that child and bless them and keep them safe. Bless their hearts oh God.

God I pray for Evan and I, we each struggle with our own problems Lord, I pray together we can keep staying strong for eachother. After watching the Movie Fire proof Lord I pray that our fire will keep burning, God I pray you throw some Gas on it and make the fire higher.

God one last prayer, for my brother as he goes to see the dr tomorrow. I pray for a safe trip and for knowledge on the DR.

Amen

bit better

today was a bit better of a day

I went to bed with DH last night at 10 fell asleep like 11:30ish and woke up with his alarm and went pee and fell back asleep till 10.

I got up and went swimming with my two friends.

I did lunch and had my friends baby for 3 hours.

Made dinner and went to church for their annual meeting

DH is still not home he had to work 4.5 hours of OT yahoooo love it! day off here we come!

So I heard the social worker is super busy with a girl who goes to my church, she is hopefully getting a placement YAHOOO its super exciting! She is single and going to have a 5 year old girl!! So I am praying for her that it will all work out for her.

omg tonight ER and Dr Carter.... Yes I have an obsession its ER, I have watched it for as long as I can remember. I don't watch much TV but love ER and Biggest Loser and Jon and Kate plus eight! Jon Carter is on for the next 4 episodes oh man I am in LOVE!!!

So now I am hungry and DH is at the bar because he had to work the OT he gets free food.

Now To watch Hell's Kitchen

Blah

Blah to the world!

I feel like crap today, I feel crabby and miserable and I am so exhausted I dont know whats wrong with me.

We were busy on the weekend and then this week I just feel so blah and don't want to get out of bed.

I stay up to late, last night I stayed up till 12 then was up at 2-2:30 with a stomach and then at 5:15-7:30 it kills me man, then I got up at 11 ughhh my life is hell with sleeping issues.

Today I went out for lunch but really I didnt want to be there, I just felt blah and wanted to come home.

I tried to work this morning cleaning the kitchen and I opened the dishwasher and there was cheese all over, seriously what the heck was DH thinking WHY would he dump the container in there with cheese still in it, I was soooooooooo mad! I emailed him and said what were yuo thinking. He told me to leave it for him so I did that. So When I came back from Lunch I did 2 loads of laundry and when DH came home he cleaned the dishwasher, I filled it and then turned it on....

I am so exhausted I have no energy at all, I feel like I am being robbed of my life. I think when I go see the dr I want him to check my iron levels.

Tonight I have to babysit my niece and really I don't want to, I want to lay in my bed all night and sleep.

Tomorrow I am going I am going to try hard to get up and go swimming with my friends. Ughhh I feeel so blah

Oh man the worst thing is I have a twitching eye OH GOD I want to die its driving me mental.

Anyways so much for a post its me whinning

No Update

Well I really don't have anything to update except for I go see the DR on Feb 27th and hopefully will be put on Clomid to see if I will ovulate.

I keep trying to get a hold of the ministry lady but she is busy ughhhh. Fit me in!

This week I am exhausted and I have this weird eye twitching thing happening ughhhh!

I might go swimming tomorrow

There is my lame post

Adoption

Well I called the lady and emailed her she is super busy this week. So Hopefully we hear back next week.

There are two websites for kids up for adoption and one I have fallen in love with a little boy. My heart melts when I see his smiling face. I do believe if he is still up for adoption when we are done our home study I want to show interest in him. He has autism, but its all been on my heart to adopt an autistic child and well maybe R is the child for that. It breaks my heart he was a cocaine baby its so sad to even know that.

I hope all goes well for us and we are able to move forward quickly with this new chapter in our life.

Life is so unfair

Oh how Life is so unfair most of the times..
My cousin miscarried today, I feel awful for them.

Second on Wednesday my friend is buying a test, a test to see if she is pregnant. She does not want to be pregnant her family will neglect her even though they weren't married when they had her. Its so unfair she does not want this, she made a mistake and now is possibly pregnant, then there is me who wants a child so bad and I can't have one with out tons of stress and financial burden. Like Seriously how is life fair for this... I don't get it... I can go through the adoption process but it can take years, then a person can sleep with someone one night and BAM!!! LIFE SUCKS!!!

Yes this is a rant and I sound like a cry baby but seriously I am mad! Hurt and don't understand life. I believe in God yes I do, I want to live for him, but sometimes it makes me so mad and I don't know what to believe.... I have wanted a child since I have been like 5, I wanted to be pregnant, then my friends can go sleep with a guy and BAM knocked up! Like seriously, some shouldnt even be parents and for Evan and I who want a baby I DONT GET IT!!!! Like Seriously what the hell is wrong here. I don't get life! Why does God allow us to suffer, then puts children on this earth that suffer to with drug addicted parents, alcoholics. IT makes me so sick to think about it and yes it questions my faith a lot. WHY GOD WHY!! WHY can Jane the hooker on 9th Ave in Vancouver who has AIDS, is a Crack addict sleep with a man tonight with a condom and get pregnant. But Evan and I try for 3 years and nothing..... WHY WHY WHY WHY ME OH LORD!!!

God I pray for peace for this! Its very tough, I pray I find you and feel you, because really the door is not fully opened there. I will believe and trust in you but I can not at all feel you. I feel so awful with this.

I am going to be calling the Ministry this week to talk about Adoption, I will also call my dr to see when I get to go see the dr in cranbrook, I want to go on Clomid now to see if I can Ovulate.


Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Great Weekend!

Well I had an amazing weekend and was given my answer, next week I will look into adoption and we will see where we go from there.

On Monday I am going on a diet and will stop drinking pop and start working out all the time.

I had an amazing weekend and there were amazing speakers and bands, Mercy Me is an awesome band. Phil Calloway and Wayne Cordorio are awesome speakers. And Michael W Smith is an amzing man.

I want to pray for myself as its going to be a long journey for the diet. I also want to pray for Evan and I for the adoption stuff that it all goes smooth.

I pray for a friend she made a big mistake and is hoping for a positive outcome. I pray God will be with here during these times. And I pray for her and her struggles.

I also pray for a youth in our youth group, she is a christian but is hanging out with the wrong people who are giving her to much peer pressure. I pray for her each day. I pray that she realizes to make her own decessions.

I want to pray for Steph and Sam and their babies tonight. I pray for another 7.5 weeks at least for both. More but that would be good.

I just pray hard for myself that I will not fall and if I fall that I get right back up again. I pray for the pain that when I work out is not intense and makes me want to quit.

Thank you God for who you are....

I pray for Sunday, I have to speak on what I learned at Break fourth, I pray God be with me and that I dont flunk it.

gone for the weekend

Well today was a good day I got some sleep last night thank God! And I am ready for bed now.

My prayers today are:
Last night I went out for wing night at the bar with my brother and sister in law. My prayer is that a year ago our town was hit hard with two deaths from drinking and driving, two young guys were killed. I went to school with both this boys. Well last night I was at the bar and I saw the one boys mother and sister there and well I guess she is always there both of them and its tough. I Pray for both of them, the mother is in desperate need of prayers and the sister as she is only 25 and already an alcoholic with her mother. I guess the mother can be found at the bar all day long, that is very sad. So I pray for them both and for the rest of their family.

This weekend I am going away to Edmonton for a Christian conference and I am praying that God will work in me and that I will be able to draw close to him. I also pray that God gives us safety mercys while we travel to Edmonton. I ask God to work in my life.
I pray also that God will open the chapter in our life for a child, our own baby or a child that is already born. I pray we see where God is leading us. Its not an easy road to follow and I want to do what God wants.

I pray also for my friend she has asked me to join weight watchers I pray for this that we will be able to make this work in our books, that we will be able to do this together.

I pray tonight for my cousins wife and for him as they go for another ultrasound on saturday and she was on bedrest all week. I pray for Steph who is in the hospital now, God hold onto those babies and allow steph to go 10 more weeks and I pray for Sam's surgo that she holds strong and that those babies go another 10 weeks-16 weeks.

God I pray for the women who had the 8 babies, no one knows her story but I pray for those babies and for her and her 6 other children.

God please be with me this weekend that it will be a weekend to reconnect with you and for a bonding time with my mom!

Amen!

Babies

I have met some wonderful people online over the past few years, I am a member of a message board Trying to Conceive and on there I have learned so much about Fertility and some people on there amaze me with what they have gone through.

Tonights post in prayers for 3 of the ladies on there.

God, Tonight I come to you to hold up Samantha, God after reading Sam;s TTC journey my heart breaks for her today Lord, Lord I pray for Samantha and for her Surrogate who is carrying Samantha's twins Lord, she is 20 weeks pregnant and 2cms dilated. Gold I pray the bed rest and the treatment she is receiving will help so Samantha can bring home her beautiful twins.

God I also want to lift up Stephanie Oh God she has been so blessed with this wonderful joy of being blessed with 4 children Lord, Stephanie is only 19weeks and 5 days pregnant God I pray you be with her and that she will not go stir crazy on bed rest God, I pray that you hold these babies in there for another 14 weeks God.

Lord I also pray for my cousin's wife Shannon who is only 6 weeks pregnant I pray you be with her as she has had some spotting Lord. Lord her job is hard and I pray her dr puts her on bed rest so she isnt hurting herself or anyone else at work but not being able to do her job.

God its tough to pray for all these babies, its tough to know how badly I want one and here I am praying for these 7 unborn babies, how lucky these girls are and how hard they have tried to have children.

God my major prayer tonight is for a baby girl named Harper. God I pray tomorrow Harper can breath on her own. Blog to Harper's story http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/

God I am thankful you are a loving and wonderful God and a wonderful Creator. Tonight I pray for these babies and I pray for Evan and myself that we soon will be blessed with a child.

In your mighty and powerful name we pray Amen!

Reason for this blog

So I don't have children and I have a very boring life. A life that deals with fertility issues, stresses and obesity. I have been thinking about starting a new blog about weight issues and about prayers to God, I want to spend much more time in prayer and for me writing it out helps me. But I decided this blog is my life and so here I will start it all.

Weight,

I struggle with weight issues, I need help, I am lazy and well I have issues with my right leg after breaking it and my back it hurts after being in a trampoline accident. So I need lots and lots of help. And I need to do it, I thought about Gastric By pass surgrey which would help me, but if you watch the Biggest Loser there is a man on there that had it done and it failed ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Anyways I need to go swimming 3 times a week but I need motivation.

Prayers,
I believe in God and try to make him a priority in my life, its tough I try to pray but I feel like I am one of those hyprocrits where they only pray when something bad happens or when they need God.

Well I need God every day.. I am going to post a prayer every day here, I have a hard time reading the bible, I just dont want to follow it as it was written many years ago, dont get me wrong I love God and love Jesus and I believe Jesus is the son of God. But the things in the bible, its crazy it goes back way back when and not it todays times. I hate that Christian's judge about Gays and anything else that is Wrong in the Bible, would it be wrong in God's eyes today? Who knows but do we have the rights to judge NO. So I am very on the edge with the bible and could careless about reading it, does it make me a bad Christian, In my eyes NO, in your eyes Maybe. But there we go judging again. So anyways I know I need to pray more and spend more time in prayers. Things happen and I believe God is a big part of them.

Prayer:
God I ask that you open mine and Evan's eyes Lord to see what you hold for us, what we should be doing Lord. My heart tells me so many things but when I think of it I don't know what to do. My dream Lord and my wants and needs is to have a baby, a baby of my own and a baby to adopt Lord. I want to adopt a child who needs a loving home and loving fun parents, I want a child who has special needs but I am not supported anywhere else for this as we live in a small town that can't support a child with needs as the government has cut back to many things. I have parents who want us to have a normal child. But God even our own child could have special needs.

God please help me to fill out requirements to solve all the adoption ideas I have, and for Evan to be on the same track and Lord I ask that you help us to find a child that is our forever child. Lord I also ask that you help me to conceive a child of my own, a child that Evan and I created with you Lord. A piece of each of us.

Lord right now I just pray for that forever Child that you have for us, that you be with them if they are already born and to bless them and that you be with us and help us with our treatments when we start them. I pray for the child's parents. Lord I pray that you be with me and keep me strong on the days that are tough. Its tough to fight this battle. Its tough to know that their is a child out there that no one is holding tight tonight and for me who desperately wants a child and how hard it is. And there is that parent who has the one night stand and gets knocked up, and goes through drugs for 9 months and that poor child is placed in a foster home and is in need of lots of help for its addiction.

God please help me to understand the hurt/pain/sadness that I am feeling today that I can not conceive a child naturally. God its all I ever wanted to be is a mother and I just ask for your help in this.

Lord I lay this all down to you!

In your name we pray Amen!

Confused/Lost

Well I am feeling so blah lately. I don't know what to do, I feel so down.

I have decided I want to have a baby more then anything, my cousin's are both expecting one in July and one in September. Its very exciting but also very disappointing to me that they are going to have a baby and for us who have been trying for going on 3 years nothing... It sucks!

Its really tough

Evan and I just moved into our own place, I am super excited about that. Its so nice to have our own place. But now I have a spare bedroom with nothing in it, well boxes right now.

I feel so empty, lost, desperate, I feel a great pain deep down into my heart. I am angry, annoyed, frustrated.

I am morbidly Obese and I need to beat myself before I lose. I need to go on a diet and work out and stuff eating crap. I need to give up pop.

I need to fight to have a baby, I need to seek help. I want to have the next Positive and baby. I need it for peace in me. I need it to bring me together and to keep the fight.