Tuesday, March 31, 2009

What to do

I don't know what to think..

Today I took my best friend down town and her two kids, we were grocery shopping and Nike said Mom why does Denise and Evan not have kids, and Nana said well they will one day. Then he said Mom maybe their baby is in someone else's belly..
Wow does that hit home, is that a sign oh man God help me to get through this tough time.

I struggle I am wasting time doing fertility treatments and should just go and adopt. I really have that feeling, I think Evan and I will need to really talk. Since I have not gotten AF yet not sure where she is...

So yes that is my life right now!

Monday, March 30, 2009

there is a day drawing near when this darkness breaks to light!

there is a day drawing near when this darkness breaks to light!

Wow isn't that true, we have come to 3 years of being off BC and trying hard for a baby, wow its the hardest struggle ever. I see my husband look at our friends babies and his eyes light up and I look at the love they have for their kids and I break. I break for and for Evan. I break to see the pain in his eyes how he wishes we had a baby to love and cuddle each day when he came home. How I know a baby would build us stronger as a couple as a family. Right now we both have to much free time and spend it different ways. How we could fight over the baby and who gets to change the poopy bum. I hurt so bad oh God. I hurt to the point I don't want to watch other people's kids I want my own to watch. God please help me through this hard time.

God I also have given up Lord I am down on my knees for help Lord for losing weight please help me oh Lord give me strength to lose weight. I can not do this alone.

A beautiful song- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvrBQL8swLI

Turn the darkness I have into light Lord God

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Praise to God in the highest

Oh what a day what a day!

I woke up not feeling good, cold has moved to my head and oh man it kills, my eyes are watering right now and I cant stop from sneezing. DH was nice and cleaned the house as its Saturday and we have Pizza family day usually every other week on Saturday's. So my niece came over to play with me but a friend was over doing posters for Youth Group, so Larkin coloured with us. My bro and Evan played Xbox 360.

Well I had to run downtown to get stuff, one cold medicine, two a bottle of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum for the guy who is fixing our van tomorrow.

Well we got home I went to shut the hatch and boom I dropped the bag with the bottle of rum in it OMG I was so mad at myself there went $36... GREAT!!! Thank God I didn't buy the $58 bottle... So now next week I have to go buy another bottle....

Anyways there is still no period, I have no clue where she is, why she won't show her ugly face.

Major Prayer requests tonight

Stellan who is in STV, please pray for this little boy and his heart that his heart will slow down and go back into a normal rhythm. http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Praise for Eli, his family was away adopting 2 boys and when they came home Eli was white as a ghost they took him to the hospital and they figured he has Leukemia well praise it is not! and its 100% curable. http://www.themalonefamily.us/

The Daniel Family- Brittany's water broke at 24 weeks, she is now 25 weeks please pray she can make it to 28 weeks. They are from Alabama but she was in DC for work so she and her husband Beau are away from their 17 month old son in DC. http://beauandbrittanydaniel.blogspot.com/

For Spencer and Crystal, they just lost their 8 month old son Sage, he died in his crib. Please pray for this family at this time for the loss and struggle they will have. God Bless little Sage.http://spencer-crystal5.blogspot.com/

Remember the Tipping family as they lost their 6 babies a few weeks ago. http://www.thetippingfamily.com/

Pray for my small town, there is a lot of vandalism going on all the churches have suffered from broken windows. Please pray for protection over the town.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Have you ever had someone tell you that they would kill their child if it had DS or anything else? Well my bestfriend just told me that her SIL had an abortion because they thought it might have DS. It makes me so angry that you would kill a child because it has an illness or disability and you are to selfish to be able to love a child. YOU should never ever get pregnant if this is your view because seriously you are a low sick person... I am sorry But I am sick of hearing people are killing their baby because of an ultra sound that says they might had DS, half of the kids are born fine and they wouldn't give it a chance, they do not deserve anymore children.

This leads me to a story of a blog I remember reading, that the women was pregnant and that during an ultrasound her babies heart was very sick and the Dr's kept telling her they did not think the baby would live at 24 weeks, they gave their son to God. Well Stellan was born and was born very healthy and was doing awesome, until the other day when Stellan was ill and they gave him a double dose of medication, his heart rate went to 300BPM and they have gotten it down to around 220 but it needs to drop more. Stellan is in need of lots of prayer and his family, they have given Stellan to God. I pray that God will help slow down Stellan's heart and that God will heal this child one more time.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

My heart breaks

Well my heart is breaking so bad for the Tipping Family, they lost all 6 of their babies this weekend.

Life stinks, to suffer infertility then get pregnant with 6 babies and then to lose all 6 babies at 20 weeks like How is that fair in life. Seriously is sucks big time, get their hopes up and get it ripped away. I would rather have the fertility treatments fail then to carry 6 babies for 5 months and lose them all LIFE is so unfair and I don't understand why crap happens to good people.

I am having a hard time with my faith and haven't talked to anyone about it, why because I think its so unfair that we put our faith in a loving Father and we get hurt and broken inside. Like all I have ever wanted is a baby and to me its so flippen hard to get a baby, but tonight a hooker/drug addict will sleep with someone and get pregnant HOW IS THAT FAIR??? ughhhh

I am so flippen sick of people telling me that I am young and that I have lots of time to have a child... No I don't I want one now! It sucks so bad! And I want to adopt and try fertility and UGH OH MY GOSH LIFE SUCKS!


Saturday, March 14, 2009

Prayer Request

Today I want to come here to pray for a family that I have never met but have been touched by reading their story.

They were pregnant with 6 babies and delivered one the other day and this morning the identical twin. So they have lots 2 babies in a few days and still have 4 more, please pray they can keep the babies in for 4 more weeks at least and hopefully 12.
http://www.thetippingfamily.com/ is their blog.

So on Wednesday we are going to Edmonton I can't wait to see my best friend again and spend 4 days with her.

Hopefully soon my period will come so I can get an ultrasound and an HSG.

Monday, March 9, 2009

ugh I suck

Man where to start..

I am feeling overwhelmed and thinking of what to do, like I am going to do Clomid but my friend wanted me hire me to work with her autistic child but I am very overwhelmed and sent her a message tonight saying I am not going to have time but I hope she isn't mad at me. Ugh I feel so mean but really I need to focus on myself and if doing fertility drugs is going to wear me out I don't want no commitments.

I hope I never lost a friend, she does my hair too and owe's me because I babysat lots.

Ugh I guess people take me for granted and I let people walk on me, it sucks.

Like my friend, I drive her everywhere..
Then This friend who keeps calling me and expecting me to take her kids, today on FB she put thanks to another friend for taking her son as she was overwhelmed and then she thanked her and said Thank God for Friends like you. Well the thing that erks me is that she asked me to take him but I had other things I needed to do, I have income tax and stuff that I am trying to get done but its driving me nuts... That people want me to do stuff... and I dont say NO!! ugh dang!!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Ugh Life sucks

Today I am so frustrated....

Well I talked to the adoption lady and it was going well till I told her I was overweight, then she went off about it are you kidding me???? You are worried that I'm over weight but want a child even with Autism.... I feel like I have been slapped in the face, fine I won't eat ever again... I will lost weight then I will get a kid right away I doubt it. I have lots of strength's and they may look right past that.

Oh she also said if we are going to do clomid then she won't come do the home study because if we got pregnant it would be a waste of time. So now I have to decide if I want to adopt or to do clomid ugh life sucks!

I just wish I could POAS on friday and find a BFP, yeah right!

God please help me I feel so empty I want a child to fill that need that I have. Oh God please help us figure out what to do, clomid or adoption Lord...

Oh yeah I am on day 3 of no pop and its killing me man! My head is pounding.... I can do it! I even went out for lunch oh each of the 3 days and had water...