Tuesday, August 9, 2011

house news

Well our house is listed and we need to sell it quickly as we have another house to buy quickly!

We placed an offer on a house that we LOVE LOVE LOVE everyone loves it. We have an accepted offer on it with conditions our place sells. So now I ask for prayers our house sells!

I am scared nervous and a ball of stress waiting for our house to be shown and to sell.

Please say a little prayer


Thursday, August 4, 2011

bad blogger

I am such a slacker, I am sure I post this all the time

This past Tuesday was my 27th birthday!! I got the best present ever! Our social worker called and the adoption papers were completed! Yahoooooooooooo I was sooooooooo over the moon and excited to hear this! Sean is ours forever no worries of ever losing him, he is ours!

So much stress right now trying to sell our house, we found a house we LOVE! I am so scared we are going to lose it by not selling our place, it sucks the stress is so much. The house is a 4 story house and the first time I ever saw it I wanted it! I want it to be my house! We have looked at so many other houses and I want this one and only this one! So I keep praying that our house will sell fast and we can get this house.

I have started babysitting its only till Dec 14th. I am exhausted getting up at 5:30 every morning. It's good money and will pay for Christmas and our trip to Florida.

We are trying to get a passport for Sean and if his birth certificate comes I will send it back if we get rejected again.

On Dec 15th I am having my gall bladder taken out.

I am going to start blogging every day for the next 51 days on August 15th as I will be starting the 51 day diet again

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

This blows, this is all I seem to write about is heart ache

I never really knew the pain that people suffered when they had 1 child and they were greedy and wanted more. My heart breaks.

I did 6 months of clomid and clomid killed my body Gallstones so every month when I would do clomid I would Suffer bad from gallstones. I lost 60lbs also so it all doesnt help.

This month was our last month for clomid with my dr if we want to do more we have to go to Calgary well I am done.. I can not travel back and forth and put that toll on everyone. And physically I am drained

The pain I suffer each month is not worth it, this month I really thought I had a chance I felt ovulation and we did the deed and well the past 2 days my boobs KILL bill beyond belief. Today I found a test and went to take it and as I took it I was bleeding UGH I hate you AF HATE HATE.

I had a cry and pleeded to God life is not fair why why do I have to suffer when there will be a hooker tonight that gets pregnant.

Then it brought me to my heart being happy with Sean and adoption but the only problem is I do not want it to be another 18 months till we get Sean a sibling.

This past week my best friend had a baby and Sean loved her and wanted to hold and kiss her it was great it melted my heart and I prayed and prayed and prayed for a baby but obviously that is not happening.

This sucks, yes I am so happy to have sean but feel like a failure and just dreed the long adoption process again :( And I want the best for Sean and not just a sibling. I pray hard his mom gets pregnant so I can have a baby have those baby stages.

I hope one day it will happen and I can have a new born

Friday, April 22, 2011

The Pain

Well its not good news, today has been an awful day wait this week has been awful just plain awful.

I had hope last night as it was Day 32 and I always get my period day 32 so this morning I was going to test but decided I would wait as I thought there was blood but when we got home from church my life crushed before my eyes AF (aunt Flo) showed her ugly face and to add to it two girls not just 1 but two girls announced they are pregnant and just like today positive test... that means we would have been due the same day UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH so frustrating my hopes are gone my life is crushed.

It was like taking my heart and stepping on it and crushing it into the ground. I am trying to be strong on the outside but damn does it hurt so bad. This was month 5 on clomid and I have lost 63lbs and I just felt this was the month. But now I have lost all hope that I will ever get pregnant. Not only do I have issues but we have had sperm issues also so its just frustrating.

I know I should be so happy to have our son and I am don't get me wrong but I want a new born I want a baby to bring home from the hospital and not have anyone else love or hurt the baby till they get to us. I need to have a newborn I want a newborn. I love adoption but I want a newborn baby not one that has been in care or anything I want to love this baby from day one. And really I want to feel that baby kicking in me, I want a reason to eat pickles all day long.

This kills me and I just want to cry hard, I am broken not only fertility but my heart is so hurt.

I am done fertility drugs I can not take this the hope I had this month has been shot down and I am in so much pain not only heart but physical pain now also ughhh this sucks.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Pitty Party

I am having myself a pitty party ughh

I am so thankful for our son and couldn't imagine life without him but there is part of me that is still mourning not having a bio child, we have been doing fertility meds and I have lost 60lbs and well I just want this so bad! Everyone it seems around me is pregnant very close people to just people on fb. Then there is those that have no clue what I go through and they open their mouth and it makes it 10 times worse.

I then look at my faith, people are suppose to tithe 10% of the income well we don't and last week the pastor said if you don't tithe you will be cursed so really am I cursed, this is when I think about religion and question it all. Why would a person who loved us so much cause us so much pain. The pain I suffer to see someone pregnant, to see someone holding a new baby, to getting my period its all to much and I just can't deal with it right now. I am on day 29 and usually get AF at 32 so I will wait 3 more days. I have lost all hope that it will ever happen, I am at a breaking point where I am done even trying and yes my faith comes in that I am hurt badly that this is where it is.

It makes me so mad that why would A God who loves us so much would allow this to happen, that tonight a person who doesn't believe can get pregnant by a man paying her to have sex and then her addictions through the months causes harm on the baby. Then there is me who really wants a baby and well its not happening.

I hate pms and I hate it all... why couldn't life be simpler why do I have to have all the symptoms of pregnancy before AF comes ughhhh

My hope is gone, this was the last month on fertility drugs and now I will focus on adoption again in September and pray that maybe one day we can experience the new born life