blah

Well here it goes 3 years ago I went off BC and went to a dr to figure out if I have PCOS, well the dr I went to was a crack and found out I did.... Well I wasn't in a big rush to have a baby at that time so I kept up with her.... Well her biggest concern was my weight and wouldn't do anything for me because I was obese... I got mad but we still had tests we were doing so I stuck to it. She tried some weight loss drugs with me nothing happend. DH and I were going to a new RE but then he got the job here. So I live in a remote area and have to drive 3 hours for an RE, well there is a dr who is an OB/RE on the side and I got in with him and today I went to him he is super nice.. He told me straight out yes losing weight will help but its very hard for those who have PCOS. So we are starting from fresh and he is going do new blood work and another ultra sound, and he is going to check my tubes to make sure they are opened. The dr said I was to fat.

So here is how it goes
Blood Ultra sound
DH sperm test (again)
DR's appointment
Check Tubes
Clomid for 6 months with Metformin ( I am already on metformin)

If not pregnant within the 6 months- Trip to the RE in Calgary probably for IUI So there is my TTC journey we are also going to do the adoption process also. I am super excited and hope we can conceive our own baby.

This past week I have been feeling very awful sick to my stomach and just plain out tired. Have I thought about being pregnant sure have but do I think I am NO there is No way. I bought tests but I am to scared to use them. Why because I hate seeing a BFN (Big Fat Negative). I am going out to a party next Saturday so I will take a test then to just make sure. The other morning I woke up with dh and I felt so awful I closed my eyes and went back to sleep. Maybe my sugars are all off, who knows....

I'll keep ya posted

Adoption

Well so today I was talking to Evan's aunt we love her... And I have been struggling over the fact of adopting a child with Autism. Today Jackie told me no matter what I have the resources on the web and that I am a great teacher and there is no need to worry. Its broke my heart, yes I know I can deal with an autistic child and will if thats what I am called to.

Its tough! I filled out all the forms and are sending them tomorrow out.

I feel like we have hit a big road block because the lady is so slow, I know she is busy doing business but still I feel so frustrated I just want to be speaking with her. I have delt with infertility long enough now I have to deal with slow process.

How many times do you tell your child you love them? How many times do you kiss them? Man I see so many people now a days who don't kiss their children or tell them they love them. I can't wait to have a child to kiss them all day and to just tell them I love them and that I care for them.

Faith

So today we had church and it was really good and LA our pastor asked us to start praying for a certain group of people. Well I have found myself praying for Pregnant ladies and well Cocaine Ladies. I am also praying for children that are up for adoption, I pray each night for out future child, only God knows if we will have our own baby or if our child is alive right now living somewhere else.

I always wonder about religion and yeah I am awful for it sometimes I feel like what the heck am I doing? First off I am anti bible, I hate when people throw scripture at you FOR GOODNESS SAKES!! Mary was 12 when she had Jesus 12 DID you see that 12!!! Like this is now a days, we eat pork, we get tattoos and we pierce our bodies. We wear shoes and we drive cars, we don't ride donkey's or camels. Do I question my faith yes all the time, can I feel God not really. Today during worship they sang How Great is our God! Yes I believe in him and he is wonderful but then there is times I sit back and think why would a Great God allow suffering and pain that we go through. God has a plan for us but God also gave us brains and a hear to have our own plan to. I only listen to Christian music, why because I find peace with it and enjoy it.

But I do and will always pray even when I feel like I am living a fake life. I would love to have a debate with someone on the bible because really we don't follow over half and then those who throw some scripture out it drives me mental.


Anyways on a good note tomorrow I need to call the Call dealership and get a piece for our van and the guy who lives above us is going to fix it for us for free! Yahoo I am super excited about that!

Evan and I bought flowers the other day and we bought tulips and Gerber daisy's. I actually love the tulips, I want more! Maybe on Friday when I go to the dr's!

I need to work out this week, I am hoping to swim tues/wed and thursday

I am hoping for more energy this week.

Prayer for the night

God
I thank you for who you are and what you do, even though times like now I am lost and do not feel you. I try hard but its tough God where are you? I Can't feel you and I feel so lost.

God I pray this week we get an answer for the adoption that we can get on with it. The lady is super busy right now God and I hope that she gets time to start with us. But God I pray for Alana as she is hopefully getting her daughter, I pray for Alana financial wise while she is gone to spend the time with her daughter.

God I pray for Stacey and For Samantha, who are being blessed with 4 babies and 2 babies. I pray you be with them and the babies they need another 10 weeks God I pray the babies stay in for that long.

God I pray for all the ladies in this world who are addicted to Cocaine and for those who are pregnant to be with those little babies. But also to be with them that they can over come their addiction and get the help they need.

God, I pray for Evan and I and our future child either a baby we might conceive or a child who will be born by another lady or a child that is already born. God I pray you be with that child and bless them and keep them safe. Bless their hearts oh God.

God I pray for Evan and I, we each struggle with our own problems Lord, I pray together we can keep staying strong for eachother. After watching the Movie Fire proof Lord I pray that our fire will keep burning, God I pray you throw some Gas on it and make the fire higher.

God one last prayer, for my brother as he goes to see the dr tomorrow. I pray for a safe trip and for knowledge on the DR.

Amen

bit better

today was a bit better of a day

I went to bed with DH last night at 10 fell asleep like 11:30ish and woke up with his alarm and went pee and fell back asleep till 10.

I got up and went swimming with my two friends.

I did lunch and had my friends baby for 3 hours.

Made dinner and went to church for their annual meeting

DH is still not home he had to work 4.5 hours of OT yahoooo love it! day off here we come!

So I heard the social worker is super busy with a girl who goes to my church, she is hopefully getting a placement YAHOOO its super exciting! She is single and going to have a 5 year old girl!! So I am praying for her that it will all work out for her.

omg tonight ER and Dr Carter.... Yes I have an obsession its ER, I have watched it for as long as I can remember. I don't watch much TV but love ER and Biggest Loser and Jon and Kate plus eight! Jon Carter is on for the next 4 episodes oh man I am in LOVE!!!

So now I am hungry and DH is at the bar because he had to work the OT he gets free food.

Now To watch Hell's Kitchen

Blah

Blah to the world!

I feel like crap today, I feel crabby and miserable and I am so exhausted I dont know whats wrong with me.

We were busy on the weekend and then this week I just feel so blah and don't want to get out of bed.

I stay up to late, last night I stayed up till 12 then was up at 2-2:30 with a stomach and then at 5:15-7:30 it kills me man, then I got up at 11 ughhh my life is hell with sleeping issues.

Today I went out for lunch but really I didnt want to be there, I just felt blah and wanted to come home.

I tried to work this morning cleaning the kitchen and I opened the dishwasher and there was cheese all over, seriously what the heck was DH thinking WHY would he dump the container in there with cheese still in it, I was soooooooooo mad! I emailed him and said what were yuo thinking. He told me to leave it for him so I did that. So When I came back from Lunch I did 2 loads of laundry and when DH came home he cleaned the dishwasher, I filled it and then turned it on....

I am so exhausted I have no energy at all, I feel like I am being robbed of my life. I think when I go see the dr I want him to check my iron levels.

Tonight I have to babysit my niece and really I don't want to, I want to lay in my bed all night and sleep.

Tomorrow I am going I am going to try hard to get up and go swimming with my friends. Ughhh I feeel so blah

Oh man the worst thing is I have a twitching eye OH GOD I want to die its driving me mental.

Anyways so much for a post its me whinning

No Update

Well I really don't have anything to update except for I go see the DR on Feb 27th and hopefully will be put on Clomid to see if I will ovulate.

I keep trying to get a hold of the ministry lady but she is busy ughhhh. Fit me in!

This week I am exhausted and I have this weird eye twitching thing happening ughhhh!

I might go swimming tomorrow

There is my lame post

Adoption

Well I called the lady and emailed her she is super busy this week. So Hopefully we hear back next week.

There are two websites for kids up for adoption and one I have fallen in love with a little boy. My heart melts when I see his smiling face. I do believe if he is still up for adoption when we are done our home study I want to show interest in him. He has autism, but its all been on my heart to adopt an autistic child and well maybe R is the child for that. It breaks my heart he was a cocaine baby its so sad to even know that.

I hope all goes well for us and we are able to move forward quickly with this new chapter in our life.

Life is so unfair

Oh how Life is so unfair most of the times..
My cousin miscarried today, I feel awful for them.

Second on Wednesday my friend is buying a test, a test to see if she is pregnant. She does not want to be pregnant her family will neglect her even though they weren't married when they had her. Its so unfair she does not want this, she made a mistake and now is possibly pregnant, then there is me who wants a child so bad and I can't have one with out tons of stress and financial burden. Like Seriously how is life fair for this... I don't get it... I can go through the adoption process but it can take years, then a person can sleep with someone one night and BAM!!! LIFE SUCKS!!!

Yes this is a rant and I sound like a cry baby but seriously I am mad! Hurt and don't understand life. I believe in God yes I do, I want to live for him, but sometimes it makes me so mad and I don't know what to believe.... I have wanted a child since I have been like 5, I wanted to be pregnant, then my friends can go sleep with a guy and BAM knocked up! Like seriously, some shouldnt even be parents and for Evan and I who want a baby I DONT GET IT!!!! Like Seriously what the hell is wrong here. I don't get life! Why does God allow us to suffer, then puts children on this earth that suffer to with drug addicted parents, alcoholics. IT makes me so sick to think about it and yes it questions my faith a lot. WHY GOD WHY!! WHY can Jane the hooker on 9th Ave in Vancouver who has AIDS, is a Crack addict sleep with a man tonight with a condom and get pregnant. But Evan and I try for 3 years and nothing..... WHY WHY WHY WHY ME OH LORD!!!

God I pray for peace for this! Its very tough, I pray I find you and feel you, because really the door is not fully opened there. I will believe and trust in you but I can not at all feel you. I feel so awful with this.

I am going to be calling the Ministry this week to talk about Adoption, I will also call my dr to see when I get to go see the dr in cranbrook, I want to go on Clomid now to see if I can Ovulate.


Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Great Weekend!

Well I had an amazing weekend and was given my answer, next week I will look into adoption and we will see where we go from there.

On Monday I am going on a diet and will stop drinking pop and start working out all the time.

I had an amazing weekend and there were amazing speakers and bands, Mercy Me is an awesome band. Phil Calloway and Wayne Cordorio are awesome speakers. And Michael W Smith is an amzing man.

I want to pray for myself as its going to be a long journey for the diet. I also want to pray for Evan and I for the adoption stuff that it all goes smooth.

I pray for a friend she made a big mistake and is hoping for a positive outcome. I pray God will be with here during these times. And I pray for her and her struggles.

I also pray for a youth in our youth group, she is a christian but is hanging out with the wrong people who are giving her to much peer pressure. I pray for her each day. I pray that she realizes to make her own decessions.

I want to pray for Steph and Sam and their babies tonight. I pray for another 7.5 weeks at least for both. More but that would be good.

I just pray hard for myself that I will not fall and if I fall that I get right back up again. I pray for the pain that when I work out is not intense and makes me want to quit.

Thank you God for who you are....

I pray for Sunday, I have to speak on what I learned at Break fourth, I pray God be with me and that I dont flunk it.