Rant about life

Well have you ever just felt like crap and that people are attacking you.

The other day I got a lecture from the pastor and I took it personal and I am pretty mad about it. The church has nothing to offer us.

Well today was the end and I feel very depressed now and feel very hateful to my own father it sucks. This morning my dad was on the phone with my brother and was bitching about me to my brother, what my dad didn't know was that Ev and I were home and I heard the whole conversation! I am done with my father and do not wish to speak to him again. We have always butted heads and its true he has always liked my brother more then he has to me. So maybe next time he is frustrated with my brother and goes off on me about how my brother takes advantage of my mom I will record it and play it for my brother. So I can not wait to get my own place, a place I can go to and be by myself and not have to look at my father every night and watch his stupid rerun shows over and over. So the thing is Evan and I bought my dad a Wii game to play on our Wii but I think I will just unwrap it and give it to Evan because I really don't think my dad will be over to my house as it was obvious he hates my cats and he hates having us here. My mom on the other hands just tells him to suck it up.

Another thing with my brother is he does expect so much from people and he wants it now. Like today he wanted my fireplace that I gave him and then he calls me and says what are you doing, I said playing a game. He said well bring me the fire place, I said no he got all pissed off with me and was like fine whatever. So then he calls back later and says I am coming to get it, thats nice. Ugh and he calls all his days off for someone to babysit his daughter as they have to go out. I love my niece but I think I would like to take her places if she was my daughter. And they don't like invite you over to do anything else so when larkin see's you she knows mommy and daddy are leaving.

Why did I move home its just stupid and really stressful and I do sometimes regret it. Tomorrow our house is sold and we are moving out as soon as our apartment is ready lets hope soon because I don't want to intrude on my father anymore like we intrude he sits on his ass and does nothing all day long.

Well thats that!

Life

So what has been happening in my world you ask:

Well first off I have been asked to do 2 different jobs, I might do one of them but not sure of the other. As I am bored I like having my freedom.

Our house will be sold on Monday I am really looking forward to not having to pay a mortgage right now. Evan and I are going to rent an apartment and live that way for a bit.

Well with the world right now and the recession in Canada our town was hit very hard this week, there are mines that make up the two towns here and well this week we had to lay off all the casual's so over 300 people they might start laying off others who haven't been there for 3 months. I am thankful that we are safe, I say we are safe because they are so short staff as it is. Evan is actually going to be going to a new mine in the new year to run it by himself! He is happy but its a good 40 min drive away that stinks! So he is lucky to have the job he has!

We are enjoying being home, I had a hard time at first because of no shopping or anything but its getting better now that we are home for a bit. The only big problem is church, well we don't know what church to go to. The church I grew up in is a small church and has nothing to offer us. So we are church hoping around and enjoying one of the churches. Anyways the down fall is our pastors at the church I grew up in are upset we aren't going there and to be honest she came to me and told me this and I was mad that she is saying that having us might bring younger couples in I doubt it I am not there to recruit people for the church. Anyways so thats that!

Well thats life for now!

SOLD!

Well the house has sold!

I am so happy and greatful for this!

I love my parents very much but I need my own place, my own living room that when my husband goes to bed early I can stay up and watch TV. My own place!! Ahh its crazy. I was super excited to move in now I need to move out.

I am really having a hard time living back here.. Today Evan and I had a massive fight and I am sick of it like every weekend we fight blah. We had a great day yesterday and fought today.

Went christmas shopping yesterday it was fun! Spent way to much money but thats okay thats what Christmas is for right. Also I sold my house lol....

Well thats all for now

rant

Having a rough time

Well so as my mom has always said the grass isn't greener on the other side, well she is right. I am having a really rough time with this move. Maybe because I am living with my parents in their small 2 bedroom apartment and well my dad and I fight like cats and dogs... I say something and he bites my flippen head off. Also him and my mom bicker then he has the nerve to tell me and I tell him I don't want to hear it, I am minding my own business so then if I joke with my mom he gets mad and I tell him to shut it its none of his business.

We need our house to sell and we need our own place. Evan and I have been fighting also I am so sick of his flippen attitude towards me when people are around its makes me so mad. He treats me like a pile of crap and I will not take it anymore and I let him have it today in the van and I said I will not take anymore of it from him.

So I have met some of my bestfriends friends and had the chance to get to hang out with them. Today I went for lunch with my bestfriend and now I am getting crap for it and my dad just opened his Fing mouth again.

I joined aqua fit and am enjoying it, I just don't want to go alone on Tuesdays so I need to figure out what to do, I might also join the gym this week.

Evan and I need to sell the house and move into our own apartment won't happen till the new year but I hope the house sells soon its such a burden and I am so frustrated with it and am having a rough time with it all.

I have to get my cars saftyed good luck on that trying to find someone who isn't going to charge me an arm and a leg for it.

Well I went from one depression to another, a depression of having the job I had, to a depression of having to live with my parents and in a small ass town with nothing in it. Ugh its so frustrating!

Yes I know i always wanted to move home but really I didnt want to move home home just to Calgary which is 3 hours from my family.

Oh yeah on top of it all my niece hates me and cries and hates me oh yeah did I mention Cry!

Getting Emotional

Well its coming to an end, crazy how life takes us.
Even though I am excited to be moving close to my family, I am very sad to be leaving my life behind here in London. There are many things I am going miss, I really wish Elkford was like a 5 hour drive away from London and I would never move.

Have you ever thought I would be a person to have second thoughts and cold feet lol, come on I am moving home, moving close to my family, close to my friends. But I am moving far away from what my life has been.

Things I will miss about London:
Hot Air Balloons- Won't see those in Elkford, I get excited when I see one in the London and they fly over my house twice a day usaully!

Walmart- Damn rights closest walmart 1 hour and half away like seriously people, its only a 4 minute drive at that! And its a Super Walmart!

Tim Hortons- Closest one is 45 minutes away, not like I can drink an ice cap everyday now.

Shopping/Malls- Well here I can go to the mall and of course I am moving Bath and Body opened its doors.

Restraunts- Wonder Sushi, Thaun Kieu and all the other good places we have gone.

Friends- Our church friends, and ex co-workers

Our house- yes I will miss it, its the first house we ever bought and now its going up for sale today.

Being close to things- 2 hour drive to Toronto, 1 hour to the states, 9 hours to NYC.. 6 hours to Chicago where I never got to go.

Our church- Its massive and we have spent 5 years there, we are both active in the church.

Doctors- A good family doctor and a good specialist

I am going to Miss London and am getting very sad.

But I do get...

My family- my mom,dad,brother, sister in law and Niece, my 2 best friends even though one will live 6 hours away.

The mountains- The view, to go skiing, the wildlife

No Job- thats right I get to be unemployed meaning I get me time, time for me to focus on my weight issue and work my ass off every day at the gym, swimming, walknig with friends

Camp- My parents have a place on Moyie Lake, I get to spend every weekend there and all summer if I want there. Relaxing mountain fresh air

Yes I know there are a lot of better things in london but not physical wise.

Evan leaves in 4 more sleeps, wow its so real he has 4 more work days with TD then he is done.

YAhoooo

YAHOOOOOOOO MOVING HOME!!!

So I haven't posted but Evan got the job we are moving home, I am hoping November 1st will see with the moving company!

So I have a very busy 4 weeks left! Evan leaves on the 18th and my dad is coming here on the 18th!

untill then I am sure I won't be posting much. Thanks to all who read my complaints the last 3 months LOL

Rainy Picnic

Today the day the Teddy bears have their picnic!

Well today we are suppose to hear about the job officially.. So we will hear either good or bad. I am no prepared to hear bad.... And its pouring rain today and is cold... ugh what is the day going to bring..

So if you could pray for us today and that the guy calls early on so I don't go mental, oh to late already gone eh lol.

So I will post later....

Oh man butterflies are flying all around my stomach...

What to feel?

So Yesterday the guy called Evan to say that the drug test still wasn't back ugh are you kidding he did it on September 11th. I think they have it, it just didn't get to him yet.

Anyways last night I was talking to my mom's good friend K on facebook and she told me gossip, here is the gossip she told me. My mom is a curler and curl's with her good friend K and she also curls with a lady named M. Well K knows that Evan has applied for this job and my mom told her not to tell anyone. Well K was talking to M at the mall and M told K that she heard we are moving home. K asked how she heard that and M said a lady (T) that works with Evan's (new) boss told M. T told M that Evan has the job. WHY WON'T THE COMPANY TELL US????

Anyways I think its funny and my mom is right pissed off from this... She is so mad that gossip is going around and that its driving us mental but everyone in my flippen town knows. I am from a small town about 3,000 people.

So here is to another day of not knowing the truth!

A new week

A new week
Today I move on to a new week and wish it but nothing the best. The week was a week from hell and I hope this one is dreams come true.

For the past 5 years living in London I always wanted to move home or to Calgary, after year one I came to the fact I was ment to stay in London for a bit, then year two came and three and four now were on year 5 and I know I am not ment to be here any longer. Have you ever lived a life you didn't want to? But you do it anyways. That was me being fake and saying yes I do like London. But I do like it, it offers a lot its close to the states and its close to Gag Toronto... Oh yeah if we don't get this job then in 2 years we shall probably be living in Toronto gag me now! I hate Toronto, I never want to raise my family there or near there. I like being 2 hours away. Only go there if I have to.

I know people who try 5 years for a baby and they finally get pregnant after 5 years thats so tough. But its like me 5 years of really wanting something and it might work and it might not. I will be truly devestated if he doesn't.

I guess I am pretty good with patients, I have live in London 5 years and all I have always wanted is to move back home or close to home. And now that we are trying to have a baby for the past two years I can be patient, I know in God's time, it will happen. Just like this job.. I do feel this is GOd's time and I am not sure why its taking so long maybe for me to learn about Patients, Patients with the job and patients with the children I watch who know how to test me to no other level....

I know this is a ramble to some but to me its to get out my feelings and well the only thing I am feeling right now is anxiety with not knowing the details, anxiety in waiting, anxiety in moving on with life. (I have so much I need to do, like passports, book christmas off if we arent moving home) Oh man!!

Last night I hardly slept at all probably from anxiety of waiting for the phone to ring this week, praying its today so I can sleep the rest of the week. I was still awake at 1am ugh then I fell asleep till like 4 and then was awake almost on and off the whole 2 hours later....

I have asked God to just show us if we got the job, and well I was telling my bestfriends sister the other day about it all and she said "Denise don't worry he has the job" So is this God telling me to stop worrying that we have the job and nothing to panic about.

Well I will stop here as really its all the words I need to get out.

Rambles!

Do you have an addiction?
My addiction is the computer and going onto facebook and a Forum (trying to conceive message board) I just love reading peoples stories. Lately my addiction is Blogs, yes I admit I will read total strangers blogs and I get a kick out of it. I have one I read its about quads and I found one of there friends blogs and they like like 15 blogs of Quads thats fun to read most of the quads are 3 girls to 1 boy crazy! I have always dreamed of having Quads (think its a sign)

Talking about Signs I have been apart of a message board for like almost 3 years Trying To Conceive, Evan and I weren't even off the pill but I was at the board and I loved it, I have stayed around new people come and old people leave but you feel so close to them. I never knew I would have a difficult time trying to conceive, I am from a small town where this stuff doesn't really happen. Well I am glad I have found this board.

Well this is the week... Evan called friday and the guy said he would let him know early this week... OMG!! Please prayer for us! Prayer that he gets the job and that we can move back to BC in the Mountains! Its what we both need and want!

Well I hope to update with great news. Everyone says we have it and not to worry but I still do and am feeling very emotional about it, if he doesn't get it not sure how I will react. I already feel very depressed over this and not sure how I will be if we don't get it.

Evan and I were cleaning out the basement today and holy crap do I ever have alot of crap!! I only have 5 rubbermaid boxes and 1 christmas tree and 1 fire place I would take with me back home the rest could go!

Week of hell

Have you ever just had a week that you wish you could either start over or just burn it.. I guess I wouldn't want to start over because that just means it will be worse.

Today is Friday thank god!

A lot of its from stress I will admit the whole waiting game, being asked 50 times a day if we have heard. I think today Evan will call and ask what the status is and when they expect to tell him if he got it or not. The waiting game is the hardest.

I have 3 little boys who I watch who I love to pieces, they are all so different and I have one who is so attached and don't get me wrong I love him but he knows how to push the button and drive me completely insane but I still love him.

Yesterday I had a melt down with one screaming all day long and I cried for 20 minutes and was just praying that God help me through it. Today so far is a better day.

My mom sent me this message today on msn
:) this smile is for you today. I am praying you have a good day

Dirty Diapers

So have I ever told you that I can't smell, due to so many sinus infection I can't smell. The last two weeks have been the best every that I can't smell, why because 3 of my 6 children have a virus and it lasts 10-15 days and its smelly gross loose bowel movements. Yesterday I changed 12 poopy bums, 12 man like 3 kids in diapers in say 9 hours 12 sick gross diapers..... That is not even 1 every hour oh no of course not! Today I have had one already lets hope I don't have to change 12! Thats all I feel like I am doing lately is changing stink gross bums and applying cream as there is a nasty but rash with this virus. Maybe because you have like 5 poopy diapers a day and its just nasty.

On to other things, I am trying to move on today and have a better positive outlook on life. Tonight our friends are coming over and are going to help Evan with the last bit of flooring, then we can move out all the junk from the one room and put it in the big room and do the little room and then buy the baseboard and then we are DONE... It looks okay, its not a professional job but its okay! So I am hoping by sunday we can have the whole basement done and move on with the rest of the house... wait who am I kidding we still have to paint the room too oh darn forgot about that... Well if he gets it done tonight tomorrow we can move everything out and then friday start painting... then saturday paint and then sunday lay floor aaaaaaaahhhhh now were talking.

ughhhhhhhhhh

I am done, I am losing hope..

I just want to say forget it, even though I know it could take longer but this last month has consumed so much of me and my sanity I am so done with it.

Yesterday he called to ask the secretary if she received the faxes and we had emailed her last Friday and still nothing.. Like seriously! I am done

If he doesnt get it I will be seriously upset and if he does then I will be jumping for Joy!

I know we shouldn't have told so many people what if he doesn't get it.

Please Lord have Mercy on us and make them call us with good or bad news so we can move on in life.

JUST CALL ALREADY!

Today I sit here stressed beyond stressed... I just need that phone call or the email to say you have been hired.

I know I need to have more patients but I must say I have had tons of patiences. This has been going on now for a MONTH a whole flippen MONTH he had the 1st interview a month ago and the second one like 2 weeks ago, like come on people!

I have told all my families that it is a possibility that we will be moving and well some have started to look for care :( I am devestated I know and a whimp. I was worried that if he didn't get the job would they leave but we only have one to worry about and thats my two as they have found someone and have to let them know on Monday. SO PLEASE CALL BEFORE MONDAY!!

I am so stressed that I had a sinus infection and got over it for a day or two and now my throat is killing me.. ugh I do believe I have strep throat. Oh man and I haven't really eaten much in like 4 weeks and everything I eat goes through me.... TMI I know but seriously come on how much more can my body take. Evan and I are stressed with each other and bickering because of the stress. I need to know the answer, I need it in writing.

There is a big part of me in the back of my mind saying what if they don't want him now? What if What what what???? Oh man please just call to ease my mind over this!

He summited the medical form last night and the drug test takes 10 days but I am praying its done today. and they let us know tomorrow...

Please God let us know the answer! To our prayers...

99% sure

Well I am 99% sure he has the job, last week he had to do a chest x-ray, blood test, full physical and a drug test. The drug test takes 10 days to be completed so we are waiting so probably wont get the official you are hired till next Friday or the following Monday, it needs to go faster. I am okay though I am at peace with waiting... I don't think I will be at peace if they tell him no.

I have told some of my parents at the daycare, they are upset. I don't blame them but still I feel bad for it. But I am also thinking what is best for Evan an I.

Well Ike has hit Texas and I think Ike will be coming to hit us soon, we are calling for like 5 inches of rain. Its crazy man how much rain. The wind is picking up.

Tomorrow Evan's cousin Lindsay is going in for surgery, she is getting a metal rod placed in her back, her spine is awful. This is her moms blog, http://inspirationcreation.blogspot.com/


So please pray for Lindsay
Also for us that we hear soon and get the ball rolling

What a day!

Well yesterday was the day! Evan said it went awesome and he feels the guy would have hired him on the spot. Which I hope is a good sign, he had to get one more work reference so we had to track people down as of right now he can not use his current job as they are a bank and can not share information dumb I know! But whatever! So they said they will be in touch this week. It was kinda a dumb interview as they asked him the same questions as they did on the phone that day. So it was to see what he looked like and who he was.

I slept alone all by myself at first I was scared to do this as I hate sleeping alone, my friend was going to come sleep over but she was out with her boyfriend so I said forget it as I was tired and wanted to go to bed. I had Nevin so we cuddled and he went to sleep and I played on my computer for 2 hours. Went to bed at 10 and at 1:30 there was a massive storm and it woke Nevin and I both up boooooooo, it took a bit to fall back to sleep but we finally did. then the phone rang at 6:30 it was my darling husband saying he was home I had to go unlock the chain on the door.

Please continue to pray for the job, we feel that we are going home so does a lot of other people.

On bended Knee I come!

I believe in God, and I pray daily and well right now I know I just need to leave it at the throne of Jesus.

On bended knee I come
With a humble heart I come
Bowing down before Your holy throne
Lifting holy hands to You
As I pledge my love anew
I worship You in spirit
I worship You in truth
Make my life a holy praise unto You

God I pray so much for this Job Lord Jesus, you know where I stand in life and you know my needs God and God this is a big need I need for this job so I can spend time with my family in our rough times through fertility and also through weight loss Lord, I need a coach and I know my mom will be kicking me the whole way Lord God. God Evan and I have been waiting for this job for 5 years Lord. I ask that you give him the words to say and that you just bless his heart tomorrow during the interview and be with him tonight that he gets a restful sleep and God be with him on the plane and keep him safe while he is flying to calgary and while he is in calgary and while he flies back home Lord Jesus.

I ask all this Lord in your name

Amen

Dude what to do?

Oh man have you ever felt your heart beating so fast and your head spinning from what needs to be done and what you need to do..

Evan flies to calgary on Monday for an interview its crazy!! They paid for him to fly out to meet him, I do believe we are moving to BC.... But there is still chance they won't like him, there is still chance for him to screw up, there is still chance they offer him a low ball... So here is to the future and hoping for the best!

If we do move, we will have to sale sale sale! Garage sale, house sale.....

So I feel like a jerk, Rachel who I watch her kids is a good friend and well I have wanted to tell her the whole time but can't put myself at that risk that he doesnt get the job and I lose my job as they would probaby freak and go find someone else to care for the kids... So what to do... I feel awful come on Rachel and I are good friends and today I was talking with her and I have dropped many hints and she always says do you have something you need to tell me and I said nope. Oh man what a jerk am I...


Also.... do you think I am crazy I have 3 boys under 20 months old oh my gosh tell me how crazy I am.. today has been so crazy with all and of course little N who naps when he feels like it and not when I want him to GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... So the other two just woke up and N went to sleep... what about my quiet time come on people!!

Well thats all the time today!

What have I missed??

So today my bestfriend Cindy left to go to see her aunt, Cindy and her husband Trevor flew in on Thursday night at 8pm, we did dinner and stuff and talked to midnight. Well then Friday and Saturday she was gone all day. Friday we were suppose to spend the night together but her friend was getting married and so she spent the whole night out with the girls which is fine. But I really am sad and jealous that her aunt now has her for like 3 whole days, no wedding nothing to deal with just cindy and trevor time, I wish cindy would have stayed today with me and took a late train tonight to her aunts.

Anyways this brings me to what I have missed in 5 years of living in Ontario.
I have two bestfriends and these guys will always be my bestfriends, we might not talk every day or week at that matter but when we do talk its like we havent missed a day. Nana and Cindy are my two best friends in life.

Nana- I have missed her being pregnant, I have missed 5 years of her being a mom and watching her children grow up. This is the hardest thing for me is that I maybe see the kids once a year. Its not okay and I feel robbed from being there for my best friend in the bad times and good times. I was honoured to be Nana's maid of honour, Nana was mine to. I wish I could live at home close to her so we could hang out all the time and I would be there for her to watch her children grow.

Cindy- Well Cindy and I became friends later on like in grade 10 but since then there has been no looking back. Cindy has completed bible school and is planning on living in africa to be a missionary in West Africa Guinea. So this meaning that her and her husband will probably be moving in 3 years to Africa. Man then I wont see her unless I go to Africa. ahhhhh I need to move home so I can spend as much time with her before she leaves. Cindy was in my wedding party, I was suppose to be Cindy's maid of honour but things came up and I could not attend the wedding I still feel awful about thing but do know Cindy forgave me.

Then there is my family, I never got to see my sister in law pregnant, nor was I there in the Good/Bad and Ugly times when Larkin was born and was rushed to the NICU in Calgary for unknown seizures. Nor have I been there to watch her crawl or say her first word or take her first steps. Nor will i be there for her 1st birthday which is in 12 days. I have missed watching my brother be a father which I never ever thought and he loves that little girl like you would never understand.

Yes Ontario has been home to us and I do not hate it but I would much rather live where my family is, for 5 years my mom and I have talked on the phone almost every single day there are some weekends we might not have talked if we were out of town but for the most part we spent hours and hours on the phone.

In London we got to meet alot of close friends, Troy who moved to Thunder Bay, Gian and Ryan who have now gone back to Singapore, I have a friend Christine who is now head over heels for a guy so I hardly see her. Then I have my work friends who I see every once and awhile. But No one is as close as Cindy and Nana to me.

We have also got to know most of Evan's family and gone to happy and sad times but tnhey live two hours away and we are lucky to even see them maybe every 4 months. We might talk to his parents maybe once a week sometimes it seems like every other week.

We have travelled to New York and spent time in ottawa and Toronto. I have seen Niagara falls more times then I hope to see it in the future. We have gone and learn about the states and shopping and what great stores they have!! TARGET!! We have driven a 17 hour trip to Thunder Bay to visit family. But when I look at it we haven't been places around London like godrich/st.jacobs market/bayfield, we really havent gone places and explored.

I really hate the waiting game but know I need to learn to deal with patience that I dont have but I wish we had the answer to if we can start packing and get going on so we don't miss much more of what is truely important to me.

Yes I will miss evan's family and our friends but we need a new chapter in our life.

Soo....

So I have posted but Evan had an interview and they told him he would be having a second one soon. But how soon? when will we hear from the secertary to schedual it?? Oh man its been a week now. I am praying he didnt ask to much but they could just say no to him for the amount. Oh its so tough being me.

This week we are both sick with the flu and so Evan stayed home mon and tuesday and today I was sick but he went to work but came home early for me. But now I have a 102 fever and my body is aching so bad. One of my children is sick with the flu to awww I feel so bad for everyone.

This past weekend we went camping with our friends we had a great time and well I didnt think about the job much but decided I might want to sell epicure its yummy dips and stuff and just for the discount but I am still waiting on everything!!!

So it took a month and half to hear about the first interview how long will it take to hear for the second interview? Should he call her and see when they are schedualing the interviews? OH MAN!! I m praying we really need this job! I need sanity and closeness back in my life.

Holidays!

Well I went on a holiday for a whole week it was awesome! I had a great rest/visit with my family.

Evan and I left Friday August 8th at 4:30pm and arrived in Thunder Bay at 8:30am 17 hours of driving! I went to the farm to see my aunt and uncle then over to my other aunts where we stayed all week.

We spent all week on the lake with my aunt and uncle, grandma and my parents. It was nice a relaxing, went into the lake twice it was cold brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

We got to spend time with Evan's bestfriend and we met his fiance.

The best part out of my trip was spending the whole week with my parents, I love them so much and I was so sad to see them go, my mom and I cried and that got my aunt crying. Ya wuss bag family LOL

Now I am back to work hi ho hi ho its off to work we go...

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday to me Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to mmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeee Happy birthday to meeeeeeee.

Today I am 24 years old, 1 more year till I am a quarter of a centry old. Its crazy how time flies! 5 years ago today i was buying my marriage certificate.

Today we are going to Red lobster for dinner and chilling out. i also have to go get the new sticker for the van licence plate, damn money makers $74 is crap! Its your birthday pay the government $75, do not advance Go. I feel like I am playing monopoly. I have to work tonight I have Nevin but I think Evan will do all the work for me today ;) He can feed him at dinner and he can change him and put him to bed.

Its the long weekend here so meaning I only have to work 4 days next week and then I am off for a whole week!! thats right A WHOLE week!! 9 days off!! sweet mother of god!! I am so excited!! We leave on friday night to drive 14 hours to visit my family I am so excited to see my aunts and uncles and grandma and best part is my mom and dad are driving 20 hours to see me! its great!! I plan on swimming and relaxing! My aunt wants to go to a casino in the states if we do that Evan and I will leave from there on the friday and spend the night in Chicago! Oh were gonig to chicago were going to the fair to see the senoritas with flowers in their hair oh shake baby shake it shake it all you can shake it like a milkshake!! Okay enough of the song lol... But I dont think it will happen! But who knows!

For my birthday I have a migrain headache!!! greattttttttt... I was woken up at 7:19 from my little girl calling to sing happy birthday to me.. then my mom called at 11:00 and woke me up again hahaha. We had a nasty storm last night with tornado warnnigs I hate living in Southern ontario!!

Anyways Happy birthday to me!

Heart breaking

Where do I stand.

So much going on in my head and I just wish for it not to be this way.
first of all it is so not fair and yeah I am whinning and feeling sorry for myself but really its not fair, a girl I know had sex once with her ex and guess what she is having a baby thats right SEX ONCE with her EX...

This whole job situation why did Evan not hear ANYTHING at all he had all the right qualifications for it and its the job we both dream about. WHY WHY WHY? Why can a friend go and get the best job and have children and what we desire we dont get. I dont get it at all and its heart breaking. I desire to be with my family and I desire to have a child. Or just to have one of those but NO life truely stinks!

So my ex friend and I are well ex friends.. the drama ugh I hate drama and I hate this.

To be honest there is nothing left for me in London, evan has a good job with TD and I have a job I like most days well like 2 days out of the week.

Why are people so skinny and I try so hard and will not lose weight seriously why does one person get picked on all the time.

I am obese, no family close by, and not able to have children naturally. Great!! Life is fanastic! NOT!!!

I just dont get it I want to scream, I feel so down that there really isnt much to look forward to in life. Except for a long ride for fertility treatment, possiblity long waiting lists for adoption. Long trips to go home at Christmas to see the family we desire to be with all the time. Long journey for losing weight. Long time paying off debt because we have to make long trips to see my family so that puts more debt on. FANTASTIC!!

Oh and now we start a new journey and that would be going to our family doctor and getting a new referal to go see a new Doctor. So now the journey for new ultrasounds, new sperm counts, new medicines.........

Can you see what I have to look forward to??

Well what I am looking forward to is this weekend I turn 24 and then a week after that Evan and I are vaction for a week and traveling for 14 hours to see my family for a week. In that week we will spend time with my mom,dad,grandma, aunts and uncles, and friends. We will also celebrate 5 years of being married! We dont have offical plans but I think we will stop in the states on the way home and spend the night and go visit the largest christmas store and eat some yummy german chicken and salads.

I wish I had more positive posts but they never are.

What puts you on fire?

What puts you on fire?

Well I attend the biggest church in my city with 4 services and like 3000 or 4000 people. What puts me on fire for God is when I attend the Saturday night service and the first 8 rows in the middle are filled with men, not just any men but men who are struggling with addictions and want to save their lives from the addiction and so they have went to a help house called Teen Challenge. These young men have so much energy and love for one another and they have the love for Jesus Christ. These boys know how to Worship and when a song touches one of them they all hug each other and if one goes to pray in the front then at least 5 people go and pray over them. This puts me on fire for God that I can see how great the love of God is.

Worship music is my healer I love listening and worshiping to praise and worship music. I would prefer to just sing and get the message out that way its easier for me to focus and that's when i feel i can be on fire for God.

I'M MAD!

I'M MAD- Heather Bishop

So as I sit and watch the children play together I sit and watch my cat climb the art easel and the little one sleeps on my lap. I sit and think about last night.

Last night my good friend told me that an old friend was talking crap about me at work again seriously I am done, so I sent her an email saying I was done being friends with her and that this was it. How can one talk crap about you all the time like does she have nothing better to do. She said to my friend how Evan wont get the job and if he does then he wont take it as he wont leave his family which is all a load of crock... Seriously I am done!

I want this job more then anything and yeah maybe he wont get it this time but next time.

I NEED OUT!!! I need to start fresh, God please let us move and start fresh God. Please let us go! God I am not running from problems I just need a fresh start.

Anyways as I was writing this a song called I'M MAD came on its a kids song but I had to laugh because that was me I AM MAD MAD MAD MAD!

Have you ever had a day when you didnt want to get out of bed?
Thats me today, I am feeling like crud and just want to lay in bed all day but cant do that as I have 4 kids.

Well I was feeling all this and then on popped my friends name who passed away last month and I thought oh how I miss her and how she was so young when she died and well that I am feeling blah but she is dead. So I am going to try to get lots done today so I can go to bed tonight when Evan gets home lol... Well after Nevin leaves these days kill me I work 14 hours.

Still have not heard from the job :(

Also our friends are all coming over on Saturday to help Evan with the basement I am so excited that I dont have to do it, and hopefully they will get it all done so we can prime and paint it before our holidays and when we come home we can put flooring down there and then I can move all the toys and stuff down there for september for a fresh start!

had a weekend off

well I had a weekend off and it was great well okay great would be to much it was good, good also is pushing it! On Friday I had a day from hell when my children would not listen and we were at a friends and my little girl was so awful we came home. I was so fed up with the day and was happy to see Evan. I had some back pain and thought OMG am I ovulating I was so excited then we went to walmart and I went pee and thats when all hell broke lose I had another Fing Bladder infection. so I called the after hour clinic and was seen at 8:00 and got antibiotics.

Saturday was fun we went To Port Dover to see Evans aunt it was her 40th birthday.

Sunday i was sicker then a dog but I wanted so badly to go see Mamma Mia so we went it was a great movie. I was having bad pain last night and though great its turned into a kidney infection, still have lots of pain but not tons.

Today well AF is here I am day 52 and she has finally arrived! thank god!

So besides being in pain from my UTI now I have my period to great!

ups downs all arounds

So I have given up on even thinking about the job anymore it took awhole week out of me and drained me I didnt sleep right and well I was starting to get sick from stress so I am now letting it all go. My friend said when she worked in HR hiring people sometimes it took 1-2 months to get a call.

In 20 more sleeps I turn 24 and in 26 more sleeps I get to see my mommy, daddy and all my family I can't wait! I wish I was seeing my niece and stuff but that will come.

Its suppose to be 40 degrees this week

Ugh I need to go buy a new router this one is killing me

A sign???

Just a sign one sign God

So I have been praying that God will just show me a sign about this job and that we either get the call soon or we don't but I can't wait that long if they don't want him they won't even to call ahhhhhhh the craziness.

So last night I was at baseball and a girl from our old small group like 3 years ago was playing and asked if I was hot of course I was it was like 35 and there I was in capris and a long sleeved shirt, I have to wear long sleeved clothes and pants most of the time due to being allergic to the sun *what who is allergic to the sun and heat* ME... I have never ever had this before I moved to Ontario like 5 years ago and every summer it gets worst, the first year it was just on my hands hives everywhere, then the last few its been up my arms and on my shoulders and stuff big blisters that pop and scar me. Well this year I believe in May I had hives all over my feet,ankles.. Well my friends the hives are from my big toes to my knees and they hurt like a b*tch i can't handle it my legs are red and raw, I have them up my arms too. So anyways she said to me I guess you better move back to BC, I guess its a Sign that you move. WHAT DID SHE SAY?? A SIGN... Yes she said I guess if your looking for a sign then here it is. This girl has NO clue that we applied for BC never told her.. Is God showing me that this is a SIGN. Oh man hopes Are so high...

Also I have yet to recieve AF its like day 41 today usually I am 35 days, I think its stress from this job and yesterday my throat was killing me... soo I guess thats it I need to have patiences and trust in God..

sigh

So yesterday was the closing date and my stomach is turning and I wish he would get a call, wait he might not even get a call if they aren't interested right ahhhhhh what to do what to do. My brothers good friend gave the guy hiring for this job Evan's resume and put in a good word for him.

So I sit here and wonder and daydream about how much I really want this and how I will feel when he doesn't get it, my stomach had butterflies when the phone rings and when I look in his email and see new emails and then its nothing. I know it just closed yesterday it could be a week before we hear anything ugh..

Don't get me wrong I do like it here and do like my job but really the more I think about it this is not a job I can do forever its a stressful job and make me angry when the 4 year old back mouths me or is rude. If i was to get pregnant I would probably have high blood pressure and have to go on bedrest, know we cant do that with Evans pay now so what would we do, I guess not have a kid....

So I have not told my daycare parents evan applied for a job why worry them or get them upset I will help them find someone and stuff. We have yet to tell Evan's parents either as well that will be the end of the string they will cry and plead with us not to go because they will miss us as they see us a whole lot they never come here and neither does his brother and SIL so screw it why we have no family support in the long run around us. Ahhhhhhh the stress just builds up and that I know I need my mom and family.

Then there is my mom making plans with my SIL about gonig swimming everyday if I come, and I would go to the gym and work out. One can dream right, I dream about winning the lotto I can dream about being close to my family. I really hope this dream comes true.

My health for some reason since I have moved to Southern Ontario my body hate the weather in the summer and my skin breaks out in hives on my hands and arms, well this year it has been awful and I break out on my arms and legs and ankles oh god how itchy my ankles are and my right I can't scratch as I have nerve damage. See not only do I want to move home to be with family I want out of this nasty weather. As we speak its like 36 and SMOGGY...

I need a new start, a fresh start, a start where I know Evan will hang out with Men and not only me or with girls. I have friends I can hang out with. oh I am wishing apon the stars and praying so hard for this dream to come true.

Don't get your hopes up

Well thats what I keep hearing from Evan, from my last post well stuff has happend its kinda funny actually a few days after I posted how much I missed home a Job came up in my home town for Evan WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING????!?!?!?!?! An IT at the Mine not requiring 5 years experince in IT is up seriosuly?!?!?!?!

So I am trying hard not to get my hopes up but the Resume was sent lastnight and the deadline is July 7th..

OMG this means packing,moving,selling a house ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Okay see getting way ahead of myself now.... But I told a friend the other day and this friend is on Matleave and said she would take all my kids if we did move :0 seriosuly!!! Is God giving me this choice... I dunno..

So I sit here and pray that Evan gets the job, I am ready to move home to be with my family and to work my butt off and lose weight then start a family together. If I have to adopt thats fine but I would have the family close to support us.

Don't get your hopes up, well my parents so want us to come home which is a first..

So if by any small chance Evan gets this job then we will....

Evan would go in 2 weeks and my dad would come live with me until we sold the house.

Have a big garage sale and sale everything... start off fresh in BC in a year or so

Move in with my parents for awhile to save a down payment for ahouse

See hopes are flying I want to go home... will I be dissapointed yes a little its like seeing a Big Fat negative on a pregnancy test... Evan has all the experince and stuff they want, but I am a girl to and I have ovaries and I still can't have a baby.... so I do understand this cycle.

If you woul likes to pray for us that Evan would get this job if God's will. My heart is leading home again which it hasn't for a very long time so I dunno where we stand!

I will keep everyone posted.

Random thoughts

Have you ever found yourself trying to tell a totally different friend about something in your life and you think they should know all about it?

That is me, 5 years ago I got married to a wonderful man and well we had to move across Canada 40 hours away so I did leave alot of my life behind back home. I have a few true friends still and there is one that we are true but time change and everything we don't talk enough.. i finally got her to join facebook, anyways this friend and me have been friends for a long time and I still have her wedding present on my wall that says on it B.F.F are we?? Its a tough call why because when I was in the 12th Grade she lived with a dear friend who let her work for her and anyways brought in a male and my friend and this male started a relationship well this male was nothing but trouble stole, drugs...everything. She finally ended it thank god! I had a feeling to call her mom one night and she was there we talked hung out and then started to hang more and more but then I moved home 2 hours away.. then I moved 42 hours away from her.. I still consider her my good friend. I was talking to her yesterday and I was like yeah so you know Callista, I have her all summer. I had to stop and say wait she doesn't know Callista she doesn't know any of my *NEW* life.

It really makes me sad that I can't introduce my friends to my friends and that I live so far away.

In Highschool I had a best guy friend Matthew I liked him but my bestfriend (still my bestfriend to this day) loved him and dated him but screwed it up big time in grade 12 and well we haven't seen him since grad, he just had a baby girl I am happy for him but would love to see him and hear from him. I talked to him in 2004 that was the last time when I moved to Ontario.

Now for my two bestfriends well one has 3 kids and the other just got married, we have all stayed in contact not lots but we have, but I still feel like I have lost alot of my life not being close by them. My one bestfriend has had two babies I never got to see her pregnant never got to be there to see her give birth I am never around.

Then there is my brother well he is 6 years older then me and he live in nova Scotia for all his life until last may when my parents were talking about retiring and moving out here well he wrecked that and moved home and has a baby girl. I have seen her once and that was all.

IT SUCKS! I do like my life in Ontario I have met friends, close ones and ones that you think are your friends then stab you in the back. It sucks I had to give up my friends to get new ones but thats okay.

the number 1 thing that sucks I can't hop in my car and drive home it takes 40 hours.

I always get to the breaking point where I want to move home, but then I would start all over again.

We use to be close to Evan's family but I don't even find that anymore we hardly talk to any of them even his aunts who I use to talk to all the time not at all anymore. We went back to wainfleet this past weekend and the last time I saw all his aunts and Grandparents was last august, we saw his parents at Easter when all Hell broke lose but there isn't a connection anymore. I see them once a year and I lvie 2 hours away I might as well move to BC and I will see them once a year. hmmm oh the joys I dunno Evan looks for Jobs In Calgary at times. maybe one day we can more home!

Until that day here I am in Ontario making new friends and making a life I am sure I will have to leave one day.

RIP Marie

Today our family friend passed away, Marie was my moms best buddy and was like an aunt to me. She has always been apart of our family and we spent many of times together. Its going to be very hard to go home from now on and know Marie is not there anymore. I always looked forward to seeing Marie, we always had the best parties at her house. Marie is going to be missed by so many people, she had a heart of Gold for everyone. Marie accepted christ into her life on Monday and the good Lord took her home today. Marie has been suffering from Cancer for the past 2 years and I am glad that the Lord finally came to take her as she was in so much pain these last few months.

Marie I hope you enjoy the time in Heaven with Patti, I will miss you Marie love always XOXOXOXOXOXO

Marie September 8th 1955- June 12th 2008
Forever in our hearts

Home Sickness

So lately I have been feeling blue about home, I keep back the tears almost everyday I think about it.

I think alot of is it has to deal with what happend on Easter weekend and stuff with Evan's parents I know they say they were over it but you know his mom is not the same, maybe I said things I shouldn't but I was raised to speak up and not let people walk all over me, this is from my father not my mom she is the soft easy person. Anyways I just feel the differances between us now. And we lit the fire again saying we will not be attending Evan's cousin wedding and that was not okay.

So here is where I am missing my family, I am missing watching Larkin grow up, I am missing saying goodbye to our dear family friend who has been an aunt to me throughout my life, has always been in my life and she is on death bed. I do wish I could be in Alberta or BC and close to home.

I believe in 2 years we will try to get a job out there so we can be with my fmaily for awhile, crazy we have lived in Ontario for 4.5 years and I hated the first year so bad and I am starting to really want to go HOME!

someone posted on a board do I regret things in my past and oh man do I ever.. I regret not going back to school for another year and getting my EA and Human resource,I regret making Evan take this job with out exploring the city more, I didn't want to work right away and to that it made us move to London.

I don't regret living in London, I have made some great friends and well some friends I wish I could forget lol. I started my career and loved it hated the boss, still do! But London is only a stop before we must adventure out into the world. London is a beautiful city but its to far from the mountains and MY family. We have been here for almost 5 years so Evan's family had their share of us now time to go raise our family with my family. My family who doesn't hold grudges and do not suck in childish behavouir (Evan's brother)

Well Evan is taking his G licence as his G2 expires in January meaning when he calls me he better have good news and I will have good news with him to, I want to move home! Find a job in Calgary hunny we are moving home LOL!!!

Family and beyond

I understand that family is important but sometimes it drives me nuts. I hate driving 2 hours to go to a shower wedding or baby, to me its a waste of a weekend that I have. Well now here is the thing weddings, I do like going to weddings but I also like having freedom and being able to make plans and not feel guilty if I don't go. Evan and I had a wedding in BC and well not many came from his family so really noone can hold it against us if we choose not to go to a wedding. Evan's cousin is getting married in August but its the same week as Evan's vaction and mine and also its the week my parents will be in Thunder Bay and its also Evan and mine 5th anniversary, not to complain but we now share the week with his brother and sister law who got married on the 11th of August and now his cousin who is getting married august 9th. But its our 5th year, we want to spend it together on a trip.

We are not just going away because its our anniversary but we are going because my aunt is impressed my grandma is still alive. So to me thats upsetting that she may pass away before we get there but I pray she makes it till after so we can see her one last time.

I am pretty sure people will be upset that we aren't going to the wedding but they can deal with it. I didn't go to my brothers and I didn't go to my bestfriends and I do not regret not going to either because I had other things to do. My brothers I was newly married and well I could have went but Evan was more important at that time hahaha and my bestfriend the timing was bad. Evan's cousin timing is bad once again week we have off.

Anyways so in August we are driving to Thunder Bay for a week! I am excited.

New York City!

New York City

New york city is an amzing place! We had so much fun and well it would be a city I would probably live in, I would rather live in NYC then Toronto.
Our Trip
We got toCarlstadt/Newark NJ at 4am where we checked into our Econo Lodge Hotel not even a block away there was a bus stop. The hotel was okay it was $100 a night you get what you pay for, the floors were dirty and the bath tub was also dirty but we cleaned it out and put a towel down to shower. It was a good place to stay the beds felt nice and clean. We slept for 5 hours and got up and went on the bus to the city.
Well we didn’t really have a plan, we wanted to see broadway (grease) and we wanted to see central park, time square, ground zero and statue of liberty. We got off the bus at the bus terminal and walked downstairs to the front and the big New York times was right there. We then looked at eachother and said where do we go now! If going to NYC have a map and have a plan line out.
We started walking to broadway and we got to the Red lobster looked around saw time square down the block and decided we didn’t want to seat for a 2 hour show we wanted to get and explore NYC. There was a man dressed in a red jacket you will find 2 on every corner almost to harass you to buy a bus ticket with grey line to travel the city. For $50 a person we got to see all of NYC, its the best deal you could ever ask for!

So the first day we walked down to Time square ate at the hard rock cafe and then went on a tour of the city. We went downtown first, where we saw China Town its huge! Then we got off at ground zero its all construction right now a hole in the ground. After looking at ground zero and eating a pretzle we walked to battery park man its a loooooooooooooong walk and that is where we saw the famous satue of liberty. If you think she is really big and that you should be able to see her clear from NYC you are only kidding yourself and are in for a big dissapointment. We took pictures and then walked to catch the bus, noone wanted to get off the bus so we had to sit under (Its a double decker tour bus). On the way we saw an Indian restraunt and there are one set of stairs and at the top are 3 men and one at the bottom they are best of friends until a person comes, the man on the bottom is trying to get you to come to his restraunt and if you go up those stairs then its the 3 people at the top job to steal you for their restraunt. Right down the road from this was Coyote Ugly, I would love to have seen the inside bar.
We got back to Time square where we bought chocolate at the Hershey chocolate factory and went into the larget M&M store. We then went and ate at Bubba Gumps it was awesome and our server was so funny his name is Alex. We then walked around more and then headed back to NJ for a goodnight sleep.

2nd day we got up earlier and caught the 9am bus and got in to NYC in time to go do the Uptown tour to see Harlem and to see all central park from the outside. Its so beautiful up there. We then got off at central park on 5th where we looked at central park and then walked to 5th ave to see the apple store, its a big glass box with a glass elevator in it, you go underground. We then went to FAO Schwarz amazing toy store! And it has a piano that you can dance on like the movie Big, I had the pleasure of dancing on it. We then walked down to Trump Towers and Tiffany’s I want a ring so bad from there! We then kept on to the disney store and then we were looking for Nintendo world. By now its pouring buckets of rain we bought an umbrella off the guy on the street for $10, we continue to walk in a circle to find it, we were told it was by NBC studios and Rockafeller place, but as we were walking to this there was an accident not sure if the guy lost control of his car or he had a heart attack but went through the gardens at Rockefeller place and so the street was blocked by tons of police and fire.(Update- the lady was driving and went into labour it made her lose control of her car) We got to Nintendo world and Evan played Wii Fit, tomorrow we will go buy it. We then walked over to Build a bear its the worlds largest. We built our I love NY bear Yanks! We then walked back to Time square and ate at the olive garden and had some drinks. We also saw the worlds largest toys R us with a ferris wheel in the middle. After dinner we went to the night tour of NYC it was still light but the sun was going down, we went over the manhattan brige to Brooklyn did a tour there and came back. We then went and ate pizza it was alright crust was a bit to crisp and then we walked down to buy gifts. We got back to the bus station at 9:00 to head back to NJ.
That was our time in NYC....
If I was to go back I would either stay in NYC the last night or the whole time
I would write down everything I wanted to see and write down the address’s
Do not use a GPS it gets you lost in the city
I would eat at little restraunts
I would go to China town and over to see Little Italy
I would do a bus tour again
And the number one thing
NEVER DRIVE IN NYC!

I would recommend New York City to anyone!

used

Have you ever felt that you are being used???

I have 3 different friends and I am done with it.

1- I use to babysit, drive her to work and everything and hung out. Now that I quit she only calls me if she wants something, she never calls to see how its going its frustrating.

2- I offered to babysit my one friends baby and would work with her schedual so this would have been may but her controlling husband wanted to take her to a place where his youngest brother went 10 years ago. Well she called me yesterday as she feels her daughter is being neglected and is left in the high chair as the lady is upstairs and she is down stairs. So I offered to take her once again but now the issue is we drive to some place once a week to a special park or to a friends house for a play date. Her controlling husband is soooooooo against her driving with me so he said no, so they are taking her back to this ladies house. I am done don't ask again and your daughter can't live in a bubble all the time.

3- last friend who is a close friend and I understand but it makes me so mad when people do this... She is going to be 30 and we hang out lots well I set her up with a guy last fall and she basically threw me on the back burner and then it didn't work out so I was once again on the front burner well now she has been talking to this other guy and noooooooooooooooooooow back burner again. I am not going to play these games.

So for now I am stopping talking to all 3 unless they initiate it, I am truely done with it all. I feel like I am used way to much in life.

I don't truely care about having friends, yes its nice to go out but we have a small group with our church we meet weekly, Evan has baseball so we socialize that way. We work at the church so we talk that way also. And I do have the true friends that I hang out with. Yeah these 3 were ture friends once too. sigh!

So that is my life. Oh yeah I am having another hard case of home sickness I want to move to Calgary and be close to my family. I think its time we have been here 4.5 years its time for a change maybe in 2 years.

YAHOOO

So I got a new lap top! Its a nice one I like it, Evan is great!

Next weekend we are going to New York City!! Yahoo I am so excited it will be great to get away!

Other then that nothing new!

Ugh Laptop!

Watch out for the laptop!

So today I had put the laptop on the couch, Evan went and closed it and left it but had moved it more to the edge of the couch, well Howie came and jumped on the laptop scratched Evan to while I yelled grab and Evan yelled as Howie scratched him.. So my laptop landed on the side where the plug is great no big deal.......... BUT IT IS!! You know How the laptop is a male and has a penis and the plug is a girl and has a vagina well not anymore the laptop is also a women :( the plug is broken. So I am going to take it in tomorrow to see if they can fix it. I am so sad. But if not and if they charge me then I will buy a new one there is a sweet one on sale right now at Future shop.

Thank goodness for a desktop computer even though it sucks!

So that is what happend today

Life really sucks at times!

So today is a bad day for my family my moms bestfriend is going to the paliet care in the hospital and won't be coming home unless God gives her a miricle and heals her body from all the cancer if not she will probably pass with in the next month. Its really upsetting to all of us and I really don't get to say goodbye as I live so far away its so tough.


But on goodnews my uncle had a quad by pass on monday, Evan and I are going to Hamilton at 4 today to visit him and go for dinner as its my cousins birthday. My uncle is doing well but hasn't bounced back he is doing slower then when my dad had his surgrey.

The last couple of weeks I feel so blah just I want to puke if I don't eat and I am so tired. And I have to work all weekend booooo...

Anyways thats all for now

Reality

Well Reality sunk in, I am the problem. I got tests done a week ago to see if I ovulated and no such luck. I am pretty upset about this even though I am happy its me and not Evan but its killing me inside. Its pretty tough to deal with this. I know its simple and might be able to be fixed with clomid but what if it doesn't. What if I can't have children?? My bestfriend told me she would give me her eggs but still I want my own I want to Ovulate and have my own child and carry it and to see what an Evan and Denise baby would look like. Even though I am okay with adoption I still don't have that closure yet, I really do want to see what our baby would look like and thats what kills me.

So I need to get my butt in gear and lose weight and then come january start the clomid drug and just pray for no triplets or sextuplets oh man.

So if you wouldn't mind praying for us that we can conceive it would be great.

How can one be so selfish?

How can a person be so slefish that they would take their life at 18 years old? How can a person counsel a person to take their life? That is sick! So Evan's cousins friend/gf was found in the river this past weekend. Its very sad but also better that they have closure.

Bringing me to my next thing about confidentiality with Doctors yes I know she was 18 and an adult but to give a single female girl who lives in resident a drug that side affects are suicide, thats not okay! The laws need to be changed! And for the school's they found her passed out a few times on campus from drinking so much and she had razor blades on her a few times! Why wouldn't someone contact her parents.

i am not blaming the university at all but someone should have known about her and what was going on with her to even make the phone call to mom and dad. She went home a week before she went missing and the father did say she was not her self and stressed but didn't feel she was that bad no because she hid it and now that poor father is blaming himself over this. Ugh its so sad!

Then there is my Christian beliefs coming out which bugs me the most is that everyone on the facebook group all have picture from Heaven and saying Nadia is watching down on us. She is with God. Why would God choose to take this beautiful angel? Ugh its frustrating!

Anyways life is tough at times but not tough enough to ever cause so many people pain. And I am sad for Luc as he and Nadia had a fight the day before she went missing and now he has to live with this for the rest of his life, he is only 19. Life is not fair.

Good Appointment

So yesterday Evan and I went to the doctor I am thankful to have a good friend who came over and watched all 4 wild children. So Evan and I went and she talked to us, we got Evan's count back and it was good and we she was happy that the metformin is working for me and that I am getting my period more regular. So tomorrow I go and get a blood test to see if I ovulated this month, my hope that the test will show that I am pregnant lol. Oh if dreams came true!

I really need to have a life change and change my weight and work my butt off! But you know how hard this is! Last night was the final for the biggest loser and oh my god! I wish I could go on that show and get the same help. I would probably be kicked off first but who knows! I need the motitvation Evan is no help at all... And I don't have time to go to weight watchers thats what happens when ya have a job!

Is it friday?

So I sit here and think about it would be like to have my own child one I would have to deal with 24/7 amongest with 5 other children and it gets overwhelming.

The worst part of infertility is when people ask you if your going to have kids and you tell them you have feritlity problems and they say I am so sorry. Why are you sorry! Don't be sorry its not your fault and don't feel weird about talking about kids with me, believe me I am so happy for you that you have kids, yes I would like my own but I also know that God will.

Evan and I are still talking about teh whole foster to adopt thing, I wonder if its just better to go through CAS to Adopt instead of fostering, I am not sure yet. Really I wish I could just have someone have a baby for me and give it to me LOL.

A ex co-worker her Sister in law is pregnant again for the second time the first is with grandma she is 18 and can't look after her first so they are trying to tell her to give it up for adoption. I told my friend that Evan and I would be happy to look into everything, she said she would let them all know. I am not getting any hopes up or anything, but I did tell my friend that she and the family would have all rights to the child.


On to other things:

So this week has been hell! My kids are not listening and my little 16 month old is oh man nothing but trouble and attitude this week. He doesn't think its important to sleep anymore. Then at night he is miserable for mom and dad, I feel bad.
I want the weekend to come now!!! Along with Miserable he has been sick today too ahhhhhhh I could very easily lose my mind!

I am craving waffles, so tonight for dinner it will be waffles waffles waffles!

I found this video very touching

I know alot of people who have infertility and I believe God has blessed me with them and also with a great message board of great women who are always there for you. I have learned so much from these people about infertility.

It is heart aching but yes Evan and I are in it together!

http://www.tearsandhope.com/ click on the video its amazing

Birth Control or Practice

So I have started to watch a 9 month old baby boy he is adorable big boy and cute, but then he has that ear piercing scream and I just want to cry! His mom is a single mom and is a nurse so that means we have him 2days 6:25am-7:30pm and then two nights 6:25pm till who knows when, then 5 days off. I really wish we all could have jobs like that 4 days then 5 off sweeeeeeet!

Today is the first night, Mom is sick with the flu and called asking if I would take him for the full day today to. So if mom is sick all night We might have him till Wednesday, crazy eh I know!

So this will be either good practice or it will be Birth Control for us.

On a side note if all is well I should be ovulating sometime in the next week so I pray Evan and I can get alone time and that I am not to tired for it, because believe me last night I was exhausted lol. And Evan should be done his infection and I should be Ovultating, I believe I ovulate because I get bad pain and I get bad pimples at the time of Ovulation!

Evan and I go to see our doctor on Tuesday next week. We will see what we will do from there.

Its beautiful outside, Evan and I bought a swing set this weekend, I love it! And I am sure the kids will love it also when its not so muddy back there, its suppose to get up to 66 today or 19 for us canadians. We also bought a sun shade shelter this weekend to, we were trying to find a patio set but couldn't. But truely to be honest not sure if I want one we will see, I have to be in love with it. Last year I was in love with one at the superstore but not for the price.

I am excited to have children because we will be set! Our kids will have everything. Thats the best thing about this job, we will be ready for our own children and won't have to fork out tons of cash for things.

Give me Strength

Oh God please give me strength to deal with today!

Today has been a day I want it to be over with!

First off this morning I have 5 kids which is fine my oldest decides not to listen and just ignores me so time to herself till she is ready to talk.

Then I am making snack I drop a whole slice of french toast in a sick of hot water ughhhhhhhhhhh

Then I opened the grape juice and it exploded all over me and all over the counter

Then I spilt 1/2 cup of syrup on the counter

For the past hour I have been listening to a child who is screaming bl**dy murder, he is over tired and refuses to sleep. Ugh!!

Just give me the strength to deal with him.

I think this afternoon after nap time I will take them for a walk. maybe I will get the stroller out now and try to get Nevin to sleep that way

tough times

So I have been thinking about this for a week now and its tough its on my mind maybe because I want to be a mother one day, and I can just see the pain and sorrow that this family is dealing with.

Evan has a cousin named Luc and Luc's friend has been missing since March 9th 2008, how does one Vanish? She had a fight with a few people that day and talked about ending her life in an email. She took her diary and phone and skates, She told her roomate she was going skating but at 11:30 at night? When Ottawa had a big snow storm?

Anyways the thing is Luc was involved in a fight with her and now alot of people on facebook blame him. I feel awful for Luc. I hope Nadia returns home and appologizes to Luc for now his reputation is bad.

I know people have mental problems and this is the case in this, she was depressed and was taking meds, well obivously she stopped the drugs or they made her dissapear. Evan has an uncle who has dissapeard and was a different person and ran away from his home. But Robin was not in college and had his own house and car so he was able to. Where Nadia either has to be in some city living on the streets or is being hidden from someone and if that someone is keeping Nadia they need to contact her parent. Nadia's dad does look that the worst could have happend, she could have killed herself and is under the snow but its melting and people have searched everywhere. And as people say if someone is going to kill themselves they will do it close so they are found.

I reall truely Pray that Nadia comes home and that her and Luc can work out their problems. But I want Nadia to come so people can stop blamming Luc and for the parents also they feel awful. They feel guility.

Cry cry cry!

Yesterday Evan and I was at the mall and there was a teeny tiny baby, I thought about it and I want a baby and its killing me I want a baby now ugh why can people have children who don't want them but people who are hurting inside because they want a child so bad and can't. I DON'T GET IT! I don't get why.. Yes in time God will provide but seriously what about that baby that is born today to a drug addict and is now in Foster Care, why did God choose to give her a baby when she can't even care for the child, but I can and want a baby and I am not getting one.

I need to start getting healthy and lose weight I am going on a strict diet and am going to work out, I just need to start feeling better. Today I feel like crap not sure why just do.

Anyways I just finished my period and Evan is almost done his pills so I am going to try really hard this month to get that take home baby.

Daycare

complain complain complain??

SO I feel like all I do is come on here and complain complain and complain, I guess its a blog so I can write how I feel.

Well anyways I went to the doctor and I have a small case of pnemonia and a sinus infection.

My grandma had a heart attack on the weekend.

On Sunday we had a great visit with Evan's aunt and my hot boyfriend. Port Dover is pretty I can't wait to go back when the pool is open and go see the beach.

OMG!!

OMG
thats all I have to say! I am so upset and angry at my husbands family.

So I will try not to be long about this but here is what has happend

his younger brother Seth was in a play last night in Hamilton, we did not want to go. Evan's sister in law Kim who is married to his brother Curtis, had minor surgrey on monday and wasn't up to driving for 2 hours to watch a play at 8:30 at night. So we had said no on monday night.. So his mother has not called anyone all week, didn't even call Kim to ask how she was feeling after she knew she was in so much pain on Monday. So we knew she was mad. Well Yesterday they kept calling and making the boys feel guility into going, Curtis almost went but thats awhole other story.

So then after they made the boys feel like sh*t I called up and was very bluntful to his father and told his father they can't get everything so they have a choice, us coming last night or tonight for dinner. So I hung up on them. Curtis was upset I said some stuff but it needed to be said, I said stuff from the past with Seth living with us and how he used us and yeah how they were all blinded and he has never thanked us or anything.

So after this all Cecil called back crying and said he was so sorry. Then I made Bambi Apologize to both boys. Well Curtis decided to go behind our backs and went out there and said I was out of line and I said things I shouldn't and well made me look like the bad guy. He then got mad at Kim for telling me he went out there but she was upset with him because we were all on the same page and anyways. I am still waiting an apology from him.

To make everything worst I am so sick.. I have a 101 fever and a cold like there is no tomorrow my eyes are crying and my nose its a fountain.

Anyways today we are going to his parents to have dinner and we also have a baby shower to go to. so i hope all goes well. wish us luck!

Tomorrow we are going to Jackie's Evan's aunts I can't wait!

Our Neice is 6 month's old! Happy 6th month Larkin Ava!!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Wedding slide show for our 5th anniversary

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Frustrated

Okay why do we as women have to do everything and men just sit around.

My husband was raised in a home of 4 men and 1 women so his mom did everything for everyone being the only women. I will say she does lack on the cleaning in her house.
Evan and I have been together for 6 years he knows what I want and what I don't like. Anyways I always seem that I have to be the one to ask him to help around the house, or I have to suggest doing things.

Don't get me wrong he helps around the house in lots of areas and is great for it but I always have to tell him to do things beyond the simply things. Like help wash the bedding, wash the bath tub, I do the toilets he does the tub.

Today we were getting our passport photos done and I told him not to wear a bright shirt or white. Well he came down in a bright red shirt, I asked him to change he took out like 3 shirts and I said white, bright, no grungy looking. Well ge got mad and said well you pick so I picked a blue and brown one, he took it umm it looks bright to me. From bright yellow to a blue Not really loser!!! So I got so mad at him that he can't do a simple thing and I always have to do things and I am not his mother. I blew up big time at him and was ready to leave and spend the day away from him. I said some harsh words but to me I had to get it out I even remember apologizing for saying it but kept saying things. Like seriosuly.

We went out and stopped by my friends house I vented to her for about 5 mins then got back in the car and we talked and I said I really need you to take initiative in things and I don't want to always have to be the one to do things. Its frustrating let me tell you.

Anyways things are better! But still Men Men MEN!!!

first try

Infection!

Well Evan has an infection. But good news is he is on 6 weeks of antibotics. But a good story, a friend's friend tried for 5 years to have a baby and then her husband did the sperm test and he had an infection and they did the round of antibiotics and she got pregnant after he was done! So there is hope for me! I am happy to hear this!

Anyways this past weekend we dug out knee high snow! Crazy eh!

We also spent the weekend in the basement cleaning it and clearing all the toys out of the way. Evan got the walls up and now he mudded it! Its looking great I can't wait to put the ceiling up and paint then the floors! I am so excited for it all!!

Easter is coming soon! We are going to see Evan's aunt Jackie I love Jackie and we are going to his parents house. Shhh don't tell anyone but I love dan Jackie's husband more!

Over My head!

Ugh sometimes I wonder why I do things for people and well everything. My life is so busy I have so much things to do and just feel in the dumps all the time to tired to get stuff done.

Evan and I shared our house for almost the past year it was the roughest times and I will never do it again unless its my mom and dad lol. Anyways now we have our place back, our basement is a disaster and needs drywall, paint and floorings. I have dreams, i would love for a bathroom to be put in but its way to much work and I am cheap and don't want to pay someone for it as we are probably going to move to Toronto in the next 2 years or so.

So this weekend Evan and I need to clean the whole basement its a pigsty. I think tomorrow night we will start on it. Have a few drinks and clean the basement LOL sounds like a plan.

And then hopefully we can do that tomorrow night then Saturday if we aren't snowed in go buy the stuff for the drywall and start drywalling the walls and the ceiling.

Anyways I have taken in 5 kids total, I had a 3.5 year old start yesterday and OMG its like talking to a doorknob, I get so frustrated and so angry with him, HE WILL NOT LISTEN UNLESS I YELL AT HIM. He is so babied and ugh anyways so I need to break this, I know it won't come easy but I Can do it hopefully.

I also have an 8 month old starting with me and well he has screamed 2 out of 3 visits yesterday he did awesome, thank God!

I need to also get an Alphabet program going to work with these kids on their alphabet and I also need to make a new menu plan. I need a holiday!

Life is not easy at all! Especially when you look into the future. And I know we don't know what the future will hold but its not easy!

Today has been something

So yes this is my third post today

So Evan and I are trying to take 3 trips from this summer till next may, we are hoping to start fertility treatments in January and well we are suppose to go on a cruise in May 2009, so off we went to book it today. Its not any cruise its our friends wedding, we get to the travel agent and wouldn't you know they have cancelled the cruise and haven't told anyone not even the travel agent. Oh man!!! so I was so looking forward to the cruise and I feel so awful for Troy and Nancy, I know they will find something else but will they?? for the price, where they want to go... hmmmm so now I sit and watch facebook and see if the travel agent called them yet. I feel so awful for Nancy!

I will keep you posted

Today

Today is interesting

Evan and I moved our bedroom into the back of the house as we made the big room a den, spare/office/workout. Anyways last night I guess there was fire/police and ambulance in front of our house at 1:30am.

So we wake up this morning to a cop car sitting across the street in the neighbours drive way, well then another comes, then the forensic identification truck comes and the Canadian FBI lol. So now this place is a homicide place.

I saw my next door neighbour and asked them they said they took a baby on a stretcher I guess they had a new baby in December which was very premature and well not sure if the baby is dead or what but why would the Forensic people come if it wasn't a homicide ugh it drives me nuts! To think that this baby could be dead, My neighbour said the baby had like brain bleeding when it was borna nd stuff.

Anyways the police have finally left!

Trying to Conceive

Evan and I have been trying for a baby for over a year now and no luck yet! So I have been seeing a doctor to see if the issues I have are causing the fact that I have fertility problems.

In August I had ultrasounds and it was the worst thing, anyways I do have cysts on my ovaries but she isn't that worried about them.

Evan is now completing his side of the tests.We both go see the fertility doctor together on April 1st.

This past cycle I really thought there might be a chance we were pregnant but of course the day I was going to test, I was let down with my period ughhh. Its the worst feeling in the world. This all happend last Friday!!Well last Friday night we went to see friends and they told us they were pregnant it was soooooooo tough!!

UGHHHHHHHHHHH Why can so many people who don't want children or are so not ready to be parents and suck at it can get pregnant so easy. But for people who really want children they have to die for it!I am lucky I have a few friends who have problems so they help me through it all.