house news

Well our house is listed and we need to sell it quickly as we have another house to buy quickly!

We placed an offer on a house that we LOVE LOVE LOVE everyone loves it. We have an accepted offer on it with conditions our place sells. So now I ask for prayers our house sells!

I am scared nervous and a ball of stress waiting for our house to be shown and to sell.

Please say a little prayer

Thanks

bad blogger

I am such a slacker, I am sure I post this all the time

This past Tuesday was my 27th birthday!! I got the best present ever! Our social worker called and the adoption papers were completed! Yahoooooooooooo I was sooooooooo over the moon and excited to hear this! Sean is ours forever no worries of ever losing him, he is ours!

So much stress right now trying to sell our house, we found a house we LOVE! I am so scared we are going to lose it by not selling our place, it sucks the stress is so much. The house is a 4 story house and the first time I ever saw it I wanted it! I want it to be my house! We have looked at so many other houses and I want this one and only this one! So I keep praying that our house will sell fast and we can get this house.

I have started babysitting its only till Dec 14th. I am exhausted getting up at 5:30 every morning. It's good money and will pay for Christmas and our trip to Florida.

We are trying to get a passport for Sean and if his birth certificate comes I will send it back if we get rejected again.

On Dec 15th I am having my gall bladder taken out.

I am going to start blogging every day for the next 51 days on August 15th as I will be starting the 51 day diet again

This blows, this is all I seem to write about is heart ache

I never really knew the pain that people suffered when they had 1 child and they were greedy and wanted more. My heart breaks.

I did 6 months of clomid and clomid killed my body Gallstones so every month when I would do clomid I would Suffer bad from gallstones. I lost 60lbs also so it all doesnt help.

This month was our last month for clomid with my dr if we want to do more we have to go to Calgary well I am done.. I can not travel back and forth and put that toll on everyone. And physically I am drained

The pain I suffer each month is not worth it, this month I really thought I had a chance I felt ovulation and we did the deed and well the past 2 days my boobs KILL bill beyond belief. Today I found a test and went to take it and as I took it I was bleeding UGH I hate you AF HATE HATE.

I had a cry and pleeded to God life is not fair why why do I have to suffer when there will be a hooker tonight that gets pregnant.

Then it brought me to my heart being happy with Sean and adoption but the only problem is I do not want it to be another 18 months till we get Sean a sibling.

This past week my best friend had a baby and Sean loved her and wanted to hold and kiss her it was great it melted my heart and I prayed and prayed and prayed for a baby but obviously that is not happening.

This sucks, yes I am so happy to have sean but feel like a failure and just dreed the long adoption process again :( And I want the best for Sean and not just a sibling. I pray hard his mom gets pregnant so I can have a baby have those baby stages.

I hope one day it will happen and I can have a new born

The Pain

Well its not good news, today has been an awful day wait this week has been awful just plain awful.

I had hope last night as it was Day 32 and I always get my period day 32 so this morning I was going to test but decided I would wait as I thought there was blood but when we got home from church my life crushed before my eyes AF (aunt Flo) showed her ugly face and to add to it two girls not just 1 but two girls announced they are pregnant and just like today positive test... that means we would have been due the same day UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH so frustrating my hopes are gone my life is crushed.

It was like taking my heart and stepping on it and crushing it into the ground. I am trying to be strong on the outside but damn does it hurt so bad. This was month 5 on clomid and I have lost 63lbs and I just felt this was the month. But now I have lost all hope that I will ever get pregnant. Not only do I have issues but we have had sperm issues also so its just frustrating.

I know I should be so happy to have our son and I am don't get me wrong but I want a new born I want a baby to bring home from the hospital and not have anyone else love or hurt the baby till they get to us. I need to have a newborn I want a newborn. I love adoption but I want a newborn baby not one that has been in care or anything I want to love this baby from day one. And really I want to feel that baby kicking in me, I want a reason to eat pickles all day long.

This kills me and I just want to cry hard, I am broken not only fertility but my heart is so hurt.

I am done fertility drugs I can not take this the hope I had this month has been shot down and I am in so much pain not only heart but physical pain now also ughhh this sucks.

Pitty Party

I am having myself a pitty party ughh

I am so thankful for our son and couldn't imagine life without him but there is part of me that is still mourning not having a bio child, we have been doing fertility meds and I have lost 60lbs and well I just want this so bad! Everyone it seems around me is pregnant very close people to just people on fb. Then there is those that have no clue what I go through and they open their mouth and it makes it 10 times worse.

I then look at my faith, people are suppose to tithe 10% of the income well we don't and last week the pastor said if you don't tithe you will be cursed so really am I cursed, this is when I think about religion and question it all. Why would a person who loved us so much cause us so much pain. The pain I suffer to see someone pregnant, to see someone holding a new baby, to getting my period its all to much and I just can't deal with it right now. I am on day 29 and usually get AF at 32 so I will wait 3 more days. I have lost all hope that it will ever happen, I am at a breaking point where I am done even trying and yes my faith comes in that I am hurt badly that this is where it is.

It makes me so mad that why would A God who loves us so much would allow this to happen, that tonight a person who doesn't believe can get pregnant by a man paying her to have sex and then her addictions through the months causes harm on the baby. Then there is me who really wants a baby and well its not happening.

I hate pms and I hate it all... why couldn't life be simpler why do I have to have all the symptoms of pregnancy before AF comes ughhhh

My hope is gone, this was the last month on fertility drugs and now I will focus on adoption again in September and pray that maybe one day we can experience the new born life

Our Son!

It's funny how almost a year ago I was writing a post about Christmas and how all I wanted was that gift of a child.

Well God gifted us with the best present ever, June 3rd was the best day of my life, when we got the phone call! on June 18th we made our way 7 hours away to meet with the foster family, social workers and that day our hearts jumped for joy as we were told we were going to become parents for sure!

I once again had to wait, 5th year mark and we waited again June came, July came and the 13th we got to see a picture of our baby boy! On the 31st we laid eyes on him for the first time ever, his name is Sean he is 2.5 years old he will be 3 in January he is beautiful, he has bright blue eyes and he is our son! For 8 weeks we hung out with Sean almost every day, we had to return him and those days broke my heart, I cried and missed him so much.

On September 25th Sean was welcomed into our home forever! We love him to pieces and would never trade him for anything!

Sean has fragile x and Autism and it makes me love him more!

Sean is delayed in speech but is getting much better since its just been us at home with him.

Sean has 4 siblings and 2 are still not adopted and I pray one day they will be

Sean's middle name is Karl with no E!

This Christmas we will have a christmas with Sean he will be our true blessing! We thank God for him daily!

Our lives have changed and we love it!

Struggling this Christmas

Christmas is around the corner

Well today I am having a really rough day, prayers are needed. I look under the tree and see all these gifts that belong to my spoiled rotten much loved niece and think how much the gift I really want is not under there and how tough it is this year to have Christmas.

I thought I would be okay with this but this week 3 people have said they are pregnant, once again here we go again how many like time it was 20 in 2 weeks... How many the week before Christmas? Don't get me wrong I am happy but hurting deep inside. One person is someone who is really close to me and man does it make the wound sting harder.

I keep talking to my friend about this all and I cry when I tell her and its tough because I know my time will come but seriously HOW LONG??

Today I was thinking, all I wanted when I was 19 and married was to live in Elkford and have Evan have a great job at the mine, it took 5 years for it to happen and when it did it wasnt quick it was June Resume, August 1st interview, September 2nd interview in person and October hired.. So here I sit and think All I want now is to have a family, children of my own, children I can love and cuddle and have call me mom. Its tough this March it has been 4 years of waiting and trying, I hope I am a mom before the 4 year mark.

Please keep us in your prayers and pray that 2010 brings us wonderful news quickly and that I dont have to wait anymore its tough.. I have learn patients and well its time.

God please help me make it through hopefully my last ever alone Christmas of not being a mother, this is tough God and I need your help.

Denise

On my mind

Wow its been awhile since I have posted, that is because Evan and I have a blog together now and I have been posting there. http://waitingforalittlereker.blogspot.com/

This blog may be all over the place but what have I been thinking about lately. When did you start on the internet? Do you have relationships/friendships that you will never forget? What do you do on the internet?

Well for me I started on the internet 11 years ago and I chatted in a Christian chatroom then I found another one after that where I met Evan. But I had some strong friendships with people when I was a teen and in time we stopped talking to one another or we drifted apart.

Well Jesus Cafe I met my friend Kaci and Brian we got in a lot of trouble in the site that one day we all got banned until we apologized for what we did wrong. Brian was Kaci and my man and I spent tons of hours talking to Brian and Kaci each night. Well years have gone by and I talk to Kaci maybe once a year and Brian I have talked to randomly. Brian was a musical guy who drove a van and delivered papers. To me he was a sweet guy and I introduced him to my IRL friend Christine who dated him for awhile and actually got the pleasure of meeting him, it just didnt work out for them. Well this past week I was driving by Brandon MB and it was early so I thought I would try to see if Brian has been on facebook recently or if he was at camp, every summer he went to camp to be a counselor, well my heart sank, a piece of me was ripped away when I read Brian died... WHAT are you kidding me how he is only 27 years old, Brian OMG I talked to you in June everything was going good. Brian passed away July 3rd while delivering his papers, he had chest pain and sat in his van and died. I am so upset that he died alone, God I pray he didn't suffer at all and I pray he wasn't alone in the van. My heart still breaks. Brian I will never forget you, it breaks my heart we never met. Brian I feel awful for your family as your brother died 2 years ago.

Please if you have dear friends who mean a lot to you please try to find them and tell them how much you care for them. You never know when they will be gone. Friendships may only last awhile but memories last a life time.

There are a few friends I had when I was young, I always wonder what happend to them, I think I will go and search and see if I can find them.

I was going to share with you my fav blogs I read but for now I will leave you with that.

Rest in peace Brian Cookson I will never forget you



Brian James Cookson (August 21, 1981 - July 3, 2009) of Brandon passed away suddenly on July 3, 2009 at the Brandon Regional Health Centre. Brian spent his entire life in Brandon. He attended Green Acres, J.R. Reid, Waverly and Neelin High School, graduating in 1999. At the time of his passing, he delivered early morning papers for the Winnipeg Sun. He also worked for the Brandon School Division as a lunch supervisor for Meadows School and as an EA for the woodworking shop at Riverheights School. He was a member of Big Brothers and Sisters, and The Salvation Army. He enjoyed music from the time of his birth. He played violin with the Conservatory Orchestra, making many tours with this group. He also toured with the Neelin School Choir to Prague in 2000. Brian played in the Brandon University Orchestra and for the last five years with the Brandon Community Orchestra on viola. He also played euphonium in The Salvation Army band and keyboard with the Praise and Worship Team. In recent years, Brian began to write music and do arrangements for the BCO. Brian is survived by his parents, Charlie and Edna Cookson, a brother, Dave (Wanda) Cookson, and a sister, Beverleigh (Kevin) Broughton. He also has six nephews. He was predeceased by his brother Rick in 2007. A Celebration of Life service will be held at the Brockie Donovan Chapel, 332-8th Street, on Saturday, July 11, 2009 at 1:00 p.m. with Capt. Bruce MacKenzie of The Salvation Army officiating. Interment will follow at Rosewood Memorial Gardens. In lieu of flowers, donations may be placed with The Salvation Army, 9 Princess Ave. East, Brandon, MB, R7A 1R8 or to a charity of your choice.

Prayer

A little boy named Stellan has been living with SVT (rapid Heart beats) is in bad shape and needs all our prayers.
Please pray for him and his family, pray his heart will be healed.

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/


Stellan, Jen and PC you are in my prayers

McLinky

There’s a great new “linky” service available and I wanted to let you know about it. It’s called MckLinky – www.mcklinky.com. After realizing the need for a new, reliable linky capability, Brent Riggs and MckMama got together to create a free, easy to use linky service for all their blog friends.

MckLinky is a free link list feature that allows you to do include lists of other blog links like MckMama does on Not Me! Monday. You can use MckLinky any time you want your blog readers to leave a list of links on your blog. It’s simple, reliable, free...and loads of MckFun!

Thanks for spreading the word, good "luck" and happy MckLinking!

That's the way I like it

Wow I need to start updating this more.

Anyways I had my HSG and man did it ever hurt like a pain! Oh man... But great news my tubes are open.

DH had to do another test and just praying it comes back normal if it does not then I believe we are done for now. But we will talk, we are very excited to do the adoption journey.

Some people don't get why we would give up but really we aren't giving up we are just taking a detour right now and we want to help a child out who is not feeling loved. I am sick of people telling me what I should be doing, instead of them listening to our plans. I am glad that others don't have the same plan as we do thats wonderful but get it out of their heads that this is the route we want to choose not theirs. The journey sucks as to many people have their own opinions and won't just listen.

Their is a song I love and it really helps me know the decisions we are making is the right one, its going to be a long bumpy emotional road but its going to be well worth it.

Evan and I have both filled out all our paper work and now we need to get medicals and criminal records done. And also we picked 4 amazing people to do our paper work for us, people we are blessed to have in our life and 3 out of the 4 got the papers last week. Jackie I hope yours comes tomorrow. They have to answer questions about us, I am happy for who we choose.

A friend from my home town is out in Kelowna adopting her two beautiful girls. I am super happy for her.

Evan and I have been talking about adopting a sibling group. We would love 2 or 3. So we will be putting that out for our choice. I am excited and know the last 3 years of trying for a baby and not getting anywhere has been a reason and thats because we are called to adoption.

Here is the verse to the songAnd how can two people
Who built a loving home
Try for years
And never have a child of their own
And somewhere out there tonight
There is a baby no ones holding tight
In need of love
To me that don't add up

I might make a new blog, have yet to decide on Evan's and my journey to adopt.

The weather tonight is calling for Snow 30cms oh man!!!

Sad emotional day for the Freeman family

Wow I must say I am very heart broken, and my heart breaks for this family.

They are the Freeman family and I have been reading their blog for awhile. Yesterday their one pound miracle baby has died after spending 11 months in the hospital. The Lord has taken her home.

Kayleigh was born 12 weeks premature weighing 1lb she fought for 11 months of her life. Her family was ready to take her home but one surgery left to repair a hernia and well something went wrong, Kayleigh was left brain damaged. Yesterday she passed away.

Please pray for the Freeman family... They will be on the Doctor's tomorrow (Wednesday)- http://www.thedoctorstv.com/main/content/Kayleigh

Here is the families website -http://kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/

This Family is Amazing

Well this family is amazing, they have triplets and then adopted two little boys both with some medical problems and now they are going for 2 girls!

Check them out- http://fromthetrenchesofadoption.blogspot.com/

They are also doing a draw for a free IPOD Nano 8GB all you have to do is donate $5 and get your name in for the draw so they can bring their little girls home from Bulgaria!

So once again the website is -http://fromthetrenchesofadoption.blogspot.com/

rough time

well today sucks... All I want is to be a mother instead I am a women who suffers from infertility and well let me tell you it sucks.

I was suppose to go to the hospital on Tuesday to get an HSG and Ultrasound, so I had my period (AF- Aunt Flo) for 14 days and well all was going well. THEN Saturday we drive 1 hour and 40 mins and I get to walmart and what do I notice AF are you kidding me OMG!! So now it sucks... I have to cancel all my appointments.

Why can't things work out in our time, God has his hand and I wonder what he has planned.

Anyways Happy Mother's Day to those mother's out there and those that want to be a mother

Cats+ chipmunks= entertainment

So I sit here and think about how hard some try to have a baby and then how others pop them out, and how others just have horseshoes and are able to get what they want now! Then they have bumps and don't understand why...

This mother's day I am hoping and praying it will be the last that I won't be a mother.

As I sit her and think I am very thankful for my life!

Evan and I both have wonderful families, even though Evan's live so far away we were blessed with his family for 5 wonderful years. And I am thankful we have my family to be close by and all my friends here. I missed a lot living in Ontario but was greatful for the wonderful family members and friends we have and miss them all dearly.

Well I have decided the last few days I have been crabby over a fight with someone and I have decided no one is worth the stress and emotions I had. I was pretty frustrated.

I have been lucky to have two wonderful cats who I love and the last two days have been crazy here and I have to say I am really mean.
Yesterday Howie was sitting on the tv stand and went flying into the window like a bird.. There was a a chipmunk... Haha well this chipmunk has tormented my cat all day. Well this morning who came back but the wonderful chipmunk oh man I am mean, I threw out some almonds and now there are two and they are driving my cats nuts. Hahaha I am so mean... But its a good laugh for the week I have had hahaha

Life is full of adventures

Well Evan's aunt follows my blog and asked what was new

Well here is the low down..

I go for my HSG and an ultrasound on May 12th, For those who don't know what HSG is its to check to see if your tubes are open. After this if all is well with my tubes and stuff we will do clomid!

Now a big worry with clomid is multiples I do know it can happen but will it happen I dunno, It all depends if how man mature Follies I have. If we had 8 we would talk about it but 8 is pushing it but what are the chances... I have a friend who had 8 and did IUI and none took. And who knows about if the sperm can make it to the eggs. Its great LOL the joys of my life.

Then we move on to adoption we have 18 chapter with tons of questions we are working through. Its tough but we are making it through. Then we will meet with the social worker. Its great.

I am very thankful to have supportive people in my life and that I know some won't so its better just push them out of the way and go on with true family and friends. The ones you know will be there for you no matter what.

Evan and I have big decisions to make in life right now and the worst thing is people butting in and trying to tell me what I should do, I don't tell them what to do so they should not tell me what to do at all.... Its taking me back to I shouldn't live with Evan before marriage... Well its no one else's business. What happens... I know a lot of stuff and I don't go attacking people pushing stuff in their face... I have tons of close friends that I have learned a lot from.

So there you have it where we stand!
We are hoping to do clomid next month I will try to post but it will probably more private as I want to be private about stuff now.

I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is. Albert Camus

What to do

I don't know what to think..

Today I took my best friend down town and her two kids, we were grocery shopping and Nike said Mom why does Denise and Evan not have kids, and Nana said well they will one day. Then he said Mom maybe their baby is in someone else's belly..
Wow does that hit home, is that a sign oh man God help me to get through this tough time.

I struggle I am wasting time doing fertility treatments and should just go and adopt. I really have that feeling, I think Evan and I will need to really talk. Since I have not gotten AF yet not sure where she is...


So yes that is my life right now!

there is a day drawing near when this darkness breaks to light!

there is a day drawing near when this darkness breaks to light!

Wow isn't that true, we have come to 3 years of being off BC and trying hard for a baby, wow its the hardest struggle ever. I see my husband look at our friends babies and his eyes light up and I look at the love they have for their kids and I break. I break for and for Evan. I break to see the pain in his eyes how he wishes we had a baby to love and cuddle each day when he came home. How I know a baby would build us stronger as a couple as a family. Right now we both have to much free time and spend it different ways. How we could fight over the baby and who gets to change the poopy bum. I hurt so bad oh God. I hurt to the point I don't want to watch other people's kids I want my own to watch. God please help me through this hard time.

God I also have given up Lord I am down on my knees for help Lord for losing weight please help me oh Lord give me strength to lose weight. I can not do this alone.

A beautiful song- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvrBQL8swLI

Turn the darkness I have into light Lord God

Praise to God in the highest

Oh what a day what a day!

I woke up not feeling good, cold has moved to my head and oh man it kills, my eyes are watering right now and I cant stop from sneezing. DH was nice and cleaned the house as its Saturday and we have Pizza family day usually every other week on Saturday's. So my niece came over to play with me but a friend was over doing posters for Youth Group, so Larkin coloured with us. My bro and Evan played Xbox 360.

Well I had to run downtown to get stuff, one cold medicine, two a bottle of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum for the guy who is fixing our van tomorrow.

Well we got home I went to shut the hatch and boom I dropped the bag with the bottle of rum in it OMG I was so mad at myself there went $36... GREAT!!! Thank God I didn't buy the $58 bottle... So now next week I have to go buy another bottle....

Anyways there is still no period, I have no clue where she is, why she won't show her ugly face.

Major Prayer requests tonight

Stellan who is in STV, please pray for this little boy and his heart that his heart will slow down and go back into a normal rhythm. http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Praise for Eli, his family was away adopting 2 boys and when they came home Eli was white as a ghost they took him to the hospital and they figured he has Leukemia well praise it is not! and its 100% curable. http://www.themalonefamily.us/

The Daniel Family- Brittany's water broke at 24 weeks, she is now 25 weeks please pray she can make it to 28 weeks. They are from Alabama but she was in DC for work so she and her husband Beau are away from their 17 month old son in DC. http://beauandbrittanydaniel.blogspot.com/

For Spencer and Crystal, they just lost their 8 month old son Sage, he died in his crib. Please pray for this family at this time for the loss and struggle they will have. God Bless little Sage.http://spencer-crystal5.blogspot.com/

Remember the Tipping family as they lost their 6 babies a few weeks ago. http://www.thetippingfamily.com/

Pray for my small town, there is a lot of vandalism going on all the churches have suffered from broken windows. Please pray for protection over the town.