Pitty Party

I am having myself a pitty party ughh

I am so thankful for our son and couldn't imagine life without him but there is part of me that is still mourning not having a bio child, we have been doing fertility meds and I have lost 60lbs and well I just want this so bad! Everyone it seems around me is pregnant very close people to just people on fb. Then there is those that have no clue what I go through and they open their mouth and it makes it 10 times worse.

I then look at my faith, people are suppose to tithe 10% of the income well we don't and last week the pastor said if you don't tithe you will be cursed so really am I cursed, this is when I think about religion and question it all. Why would a person who loved us so much cause us so much pain. The pain I suffer to see someone pregnant, to see someone holding a new baby, to getting my period its all to much and I just can't deal with it right now. I am on day 29 and usually get AF at 32 so I will wait 3 more days. I have lost all hope that it will ever happen, I am at a breaking point where I am done even trying and yes my faith comes in that I am hurt badly that this is where it is.

It makes me so mad that why would A God who loves us so much would allow this to happen, that tonight a person who doesn't believe can get pregnant by a man paying her to have sex and then her addictions through the months causes harm on the baby. Then there is me who really wants a baby and well its not happening.

I hate pms and I hate it all... why couldn't life be simpler why do I have to have all the symptoms of pregnancy before AF comes ughhhh

My hope is gone, this was the last month on fertility drugs and now I will focus on adoption again in September and pray that maybe one day we can experience the new born life