Monday, April 18, 2011

Pitty Party

I am having myself a pitty party ughh

I am so thankful for our son and couldn't imagine life without him but there is part of me that is still mourning not having a bio child, we have been doing fertility meds and I have lost 60lbs and well I just want this so bad! Everyone it seems around me is pregnant very close people to just people on fb. Then there is those that have no clue what I go through and they open their mouth and it makes it 10 times worse.

I then look at my faith, people are suppose to tithe 10% of the income well we don't and last week the pastor said if you don't tithe you will be cursed so really am I cursed, this is when I think about religion and question it all. Why would a person who loved us so much cause us so much pain. The pain I suffer to see someone pregnant, to see someone holding a new baby, to getting my period its all to much and I just can't deal with it right now. I am on day 29 and usually get AF at 32 so I will wait 3 more days. I have lost all hope that it will ever happen, I am at a breaking point where I am done even trying and yes my faith comes in that I am hurt badly that this is where it is.

It makes me so mad that why would A God who loves us so much would allow this to happen, that tonight a person who doesn't believe can get pregnant by a man paying her to have sex and then her addictions through the months causes harm on the baby. Then there is me who really wants a baby and well its not happening.

I hate pms and I hate it all... why couldn't life be simpler why do I have to have all the symptoms of pregnancy before AF comes ughhhh

My hope is gone, this was the last month on fertility drugs and now I will focus on adoption again in September and pray that maybe one day we can experience the new born life


Tarasview said...

oh sweetie- you are not cursed if you don't tithe 10%!! Please know that not all pastor's believe that (for example my husband!) and I am 100% sure that God doesn't believe that either. I am not saying you shouldn't tithe... but you are NOT cursed if you don't. God isn't like that.

I am so sorry you are going through such hard times. I don't know why and I have no explanation... sometimes life just really sucks. :(

IAmDenise said...

Thanks Tara, I know it was dumb but it hurts bad to know the pain and then the pastor that sunday talked about cursed if not tithing and I just lost it when we got home. My husband gives so much to the church he does all the website and is all free to answer calls, I run a mom and me program with a friend and I know that all matters and we give to a charity but just the thought... It frustrates me

Thanks so much!