Friday, April 22, 2011

The Pain

Well its not good news, today has been an awful day wait this week has been awful just plain awful.

I had hope last night as it was Day 32 and I always get my period day 32 so this morning I was going to test but decided I would wait as I thought there was blood but when we got home from church my life crushed before my eyes AF (aunt Flo) showed her ugly face and to add to it two girls not just 1 but two girls announced they are pregnant and just like today positive test... that means we would have been due the same day UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH so frustrating my hopes are gone my life is crushed.

It was like taking my heart and stepping on it and crushing it into the ground. I am trying to be strong on the outside but damn does it hurt so bad. This was month 5 on clomid and I have lost 63lbs and I just felt this was the month. But now I have lost all hope that I will ever get pregnant. Not only do I have issues but we have had sperm issues also so its just frustrating.

I know I should be so happy to have our son and I am don't get me wrong but I want a new born I want a baby to bring home from the hospital and not have anyone else love or hurt the baby till they get to us. I need to have a newborn I want a newborn. I love adoption but I want a newborn baby not one that has been in care or anything I want to love this baby from day one. And really I want to feel that baby kicking in me, I want a reason to eat pickles all day long.

This kills me and I just want to cry hard, I am broken not only fertility but my heart is so hurt.

I am done fertility drugs I can not take this the hope I had this month has been shot down and I am in so much pain not only heart but physical pain now also ughhh this sucks.

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