The Pain

Well its not good news, today has been an awful day wait this week has been awful just plain awful.

I had hope last night as it was Day 32 and I always get my period day 32 so this morning I was going to test but decided I would wait as I thought there was blood but when we got home from church my life crushed before my eyes AF (aunt Flo) showed her ugly face and to add to it two girls not just 1 but two girls announced they are pregnant and just like today positive test... that means we would have been due the same day UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH so frustrating my hopes are gone my life is crushed.

It was like taking my heart and stepping on it and crushing it into the ground. I am trying to be strong on the outside but damn does it hurt so bad. This was month 5 on clomid and I have lost 63lbs and I just felt this was the month. But now I have lost all hope that I will ever get pregnant. Not only do I have issues but we have had sperm issues also so its just frustrating.

I know I should be so happy to have our son and I am don't get me wrong but I want a new born I want a baby to bring home from the hospital and not have anyone else love or hurt the baby till they get to us. I need to have a newborn I want a newborn. I love adoption but I want a newborn baby not one that has been in care or anything I want to love this baby from day one. And really I want to feel that baby kicking in me, I want a reason to eat pickles all day long.

This kills me and I just want to cry hard, I am broken not only fertility but my heart is so hurt.

I am done fertility drugs I can not take this the hope I had this month has been shot down and I am in so much pain not only heart but physical pain now also ughhh this sucks.

Pitty Party

I am having myself a pitty party ughh

I am so thankful for our son and couldn't imagine life without him but there is part of me that is still mourning not having a bio child, we have been doing fertility meds and I have lost 60lbs and well I just want this so bad! Everyone it seems around me is pregnant very close people to just people on fb. Then there is those that have no clue what I go through and they open their mouth and it makes it 10 times worse.

I then look at my faith, people are suppose to tithe 10% of the income well we don't and last week the pastor said if you don't tithe you will be cursed so really am I cursed, this is when I think about religion and question it all. Why would a person who loved us so much cause us so much pain. The pain I suffer to see someone pregnant, to see someone holding a new baby, to getting my period its all to much and I just can't deal with it right now. I am on day 29 and usually get AF at 32 so I will wait 3 more days. I have lost all hope that it will ever happen, I am at a breaking point where I am done even trying and yes my faith comes in that I am hurt badly that this is where it is.

It makes me so mad that why would A God who loves us so much would allow this to happen, that tonight a person who doesn't believe can get pregnant by a man paying her to have sex and then her addictions through the months causes harm on the baby. Then there is me who really wants a baby and well its not happening.

I hate pms and I hate it all... why couldn't life be simpler why do I have to have all the symptoms of pregnancy before AF comes ughhhh

My hope is gone, this was the last month on fertility drugs and now I will focus on adoption again in September and pray that maybe one day we can experience the new born life