Heart breaking

Where do I stand.

So much going on in my head and I just wish for it not to be this way.
first of all it is so not fair and yeah I am whinning and feeling sorry for myself but really its not fair, a girl I know had sex once with her ex and guess what she is having a baby thats right SEX ONCE with her EX...

This whole job situation why did Evan not hear ANYTHING at all he had all the right qualifications for it and its the job we both dream about. WHY WHY WHY? Why can a friend go and get the best job and have children and what we desire we dont get. I dont get it at all and its heart breaking. I desire to be with my family and I desire to have a child. Or just to have one of those but NO life truely stinks!

So my ex friend and I are well ex friends.. the drama ugh I hate drama and I hate this.

To be honest there is nothing left for me in London, evan has a good job with TD and I have a job I like most days well like 2 days out of the week.

Why are people so skinny and I try so hard and will not lose weight seriously why does one person get picked on all the time.

I am obese, no family close by, and not able to have children naturally. Great!! Life is fanastic! NOT!!!

I just dont get it I want to scream, I feel so down that there really isnt much to look forward to in life. Except for a long ride for fertility treatment, possiblity long waiting lists for adoption. Long trips to go home at Christmas to see the family we desire to be with all the time. Long journey for losing weight. Long time paying off debt because we have to make long trips to see my family so that puts more debt on. FANTASTIC!!

Oh and now we start a new journey and that would be going to our family doctor and getting a new referal to go see a new Doctor. So now the journey for new ultrasounds, new sperm counts, new medicines.........

Can you see what I have to look forward to??

Well what I am looking forward to is this weekend I turn 24 and then a week after that Evan and I are vaction for a week and traveling for 14 hours to see my family for a week. In that week we will spend time with my mom,dad,grandma, aunts and uncles, and friends. We will also celebrate 5 years of being married! We dont have offical plans but I think we will stop in the states on the way home and spend the night and go visit the largest christmas store and eat some yummy german chicken and salads.

I wish I had more positive posts but they never are.

What puts you on fire?

What puts you on fire?

Well I attend the biggest church in my city with 4 services and like 3000 or 4000 people. What puts me on fire for God is when I attend the Saturday night service and the first 8 rows in the middle are filled with men, not just any men but men who are struggling with addictions and want to save their lives from the addiction and so they have went to a help house called Teen Challenge. These young men have so much energy and love for one another and they have the love for Jesus Christ. These boys know how to Worship and when a song touches one of them they all hug each other and if one goes to pray in the front then at least 5 people go and pray over them. This puts me on fire for God that I can see how great the love of God is.

Worship music is my healer I love listening and worshiping to praise and worship music. I would prefer to just sing and get the message out that way its easier for me to focus and that's when i feel i can be on fire for God.

I'M MAD!

I'M MAD- Heather Bishop

So as I sit and watch the children play together I sit and watch my cat climb the art easel and the little one sleeps on my lap. I sit and think about last night.

Last night my good friend told me that an old friend was talking crap about me at work again seriously I am done, so I sent her an email saying I was done being friends with her and that this was it. How can one talk crap about you all the time like does she have nothing better to do. She said to my friend how Evan wont get the job and if he does then he wont take it as he wont leave his family which is all a load of crock... Seriously I am done!

I want this job more then anything and yeah maybe he wont get it this time but next time.

I NEED OUT!!! I need to start fresh, God please let us move and start fresh God. Please let us go! God I am not running from problems I just need a fresh start.

Anyways as I was writing this a song called I'M MAD came on its a kids song but I had to laugh because that was me I AM MAD MAD MAD MAD!

Have you ever had a day when you didnt want to get out of bed?
Thats me today, I am feeling like crud and just want to lay in bed all day but cant do that as I have 4 kids.

Well I was feeling all this and then on popped my friends name who passed away last month and I thought oh how I miss her and how she was so young when she died and well that I am feeling blah but she is dead. So I am going to try to get lots done today so I can go to bed tonight when Evan gets home lol... Well after Nevin leaves these days kill me I work 14 hours.

Still have not heard from the job :(

Also our friends are all coming over on Saturday to help Evan with the basement I am so excited that I dont have to do it, and hopefully they will get it all done so we can prime and paint it before our holidays and when we come home we can put flooring down there and then I can move all the toys and stuff down there for september for a fresh start!

had a weekend off

well I had a weekend off and it was great well okay great would be to much it was good, good also is pushing it! On Friday I had a day from hell when my children would not listen and we were at a friends and my little girl was so awful we came home. I was so fed up with the day and was happy to see Evan. I had some back pain and thought OMG am I ovulating I was so excited then we went to walmart and I went pee and thats when all hell broke lose I had another Fing Bladder infection. so I called the after hour clinic and was seen at 8:00 and got antibiotics.

Saturday was fun we went To Port Dover to see Evans aunt it was her 40th birthday.

Sunday i was sicker then a dog but I wanted so badly to go see Mamma Mia so we went it was a great movie. I was having bad pain last night and though great its turned into a kidney infection, still have lots of pain but not tons.

Today well AF is here I am day 52 and she has finally arrived! thank god!

So besides being in pain from my UTI now I have my period to great!

ups downs all arounds

So I have given up on even thinking about the job anymore it took awhole week out of me and drained me I didnt sleep right and well I was starting to get sick from stress so I am now letting it all go. My friend said when she worked in HR hiring people sometimes it took 1-2 months to get a call.

In 20 more sleeps I turn 24 and in 26 more sleeps I get to see my mommy, daddy and all my family I can't wait! I wish I was seeing my niece and stuff but that will come.

Its suppose to be 40 degrees this week

Ugh I need to go buy a new router this one is killing me

A sign???

Just a sign one sign God

So I have been praying that God will just show me a sign about this job and that we either get the call soon or we don't but I can't wait that long if they don't want him they won't even to call ahhhhhhh the craziness.

So last night I was at baseball and a girl from our old small group like 3 years ago was playing and asked if I was hot of course I was it was like 35 and there I was in capris and a long sleeved shirt, I have to wear long sleeved clothes and pants most of the time due to being allergic to the sun *what who is allergic to the sun and heat* ME... I have never ever had this before I moved to Ontario like 5 years ago and every summer it gets worst, the first year it was just on my hands hives everywhere, then the last few its been up my arms and on my shoulders and stuff big blisters that pop and scar me. Well this year I believe in May I had hives all over my feet,ankles.. Well my friends the hives are from my big toes to my knees and they hurt like a b*tch i can't handle it my legs are red and raw, I have them up my arms too. So anyways she said to me I guess you better move back to BC, I guess its a Sign that you move. WHAT DID SHE SAY?? A SIGN... Yes she said I guess if your looking for a sign then here it is. This girl has NO clue that we applied for BC never told her.. Is God showing me that this is a SIGN. Oh man hopes Are so high...

Also I have yet to recieve AF its like day 41 today usually I am 35 days, I think its stress from this job and yesterday my throat was killing me... soo I guess thats it I need to have patiences and trust in God..

sigh

So yesterday was the closing date and my stomach is turning and I wish he would get a call, wait he might not even get a call if they aren't interested right ahhhhhh what to do what to do. My brothers good friend gave the guy hiring for this job Evan's resume and put in a good word for him.

So I sit here and wonder and daydream about how much I really want this and how I will feel when he doesn't get it, my stomach had butterflies when the phone rings and when I look in his email and see new emails and then its nothing. I know it just closed yesterday it could be a week before we hear anything ugh..

Don't get me wrong I do like it here and do like my job but really the more I think about it this is not a job I can do forever its a stressful job and make me angry when the 4 year old back mouths me or is rude. If i was to get pregnant I would probably have high blood pressure and have to go on bedrest, know we cant do that with Evans pay now so what would we do, I guess not have a kid....

So I have not told my daycare parents evan applied for a job why worry them or get them upset I will help them find someone and stuff. We have yet to tell Evan's parents either as well that will be the end of the string they will cry and plead with us not to go because they will miss us as they see us a whole lot they never come here and neither does his brother and SIL so screw it why we have no family support in the long run around us. Ahhhhhhh the stress just builds up and that I know I need my mom and family.

Then there is my mom making plans with my SIL about gonig swimming everyday if I come, and I would go to the gym and work out. One can dream right, I dream about winning the lotto I can dream about being close to my family. I really hope this dream comes true.

My health for some reason since I have moved to Southern Ontario my body hate the weather in the summer and my skin breaks out in hives on my hands and arms, well this year it has been awful and I break out on my arms and legs and ankles oh god how itchy my ankles are and my right I can't scratch as I have nerve damage. See not only do I want to move home to be with family I want out of this nasty weather. As we speak its like 36 and SMOGGY...

I need a new start, a fresh start, a start where I know Evan will hang out with Men and not only me or with girls. I have friends I can hang out with. oh I am wishing apon the stars and praying so hard for this dream to come true.

Don't get your hopes up

Well thats what I keep hearing from Evan, from my last post well stuff has happend its kinda funny actually a few days after I posted how much I missed home a Job came up in my home town for Evan WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING????!?!?!?!?! An IT at the Mine not requiring 5 years experince in IT is up seriosuly?!?!?!?!

So I am trying hard not to get my hopes up but the Resume was sent lastnight and the deadline is July 7th..

OMG this means packing,moving,selling a house ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Okay see getting way ahead of myself now.... But I told a friend the other day and this friend is on Matleave and said she would take all my kids if we did move :0 seriosuly!!! Is God giving me this choice... I dunno..

So I sit here and pray that Evan gets the job, I am ready to move home to be with my family and to work my butt off and lose weight then start a family together. If I have to adopt thats fine but I would have the family close to support us.

Don't get your hopes up, well my parents so want us to come home which is a first..

So if by any small chance Evan gets this job then we will....

Evan would go in 2 weeks and my dad would come live with me until we sold the house.

Have a big garage sale and sale everything... start off fresh in BC in a year or so

Move in with my parents for awhile to save a down payment for ahouse

See hopes are flying I want to go home... will I be dissapointed yes a little its like seeing a Big Fat negative on a pregnancy test... Evan has all the experince and stuff they want, but I am a girl to and I have ovaries and I still can't have a baby.... so I do understand this cycle.

If you woul likes to pray for us that Evan would get this job if God's will. My heart is leading home again which it hasn't for a very long time so I dunno where we stand!

I will keep everyone posted.