Reality

Well Reality sunk in, I am the problem. I got tests done a week ago to see if I ovulated and no such luck. I am pretty upset about this even though I am happy its me and not Evan but its killing me inside. Its pretty tough to deal with this. I know its simple and might be able to be fixed with clomid but what if it doesn't. What if I can't have children?? My bestfriend told me she would give me her eggs but still I want my own I want to Ovulate and have my own child and carry it and to see what an Evan and Denise baby would look like. Even though I am okay with adoption I still don't have that closure yet, I really do want to see what our baby would look like and thats what kills me.

So I need to get my butt in gear and lose weight and then come january start the clomid drug and just pray for no triplets or sextuplets oh man.

So if you wouldn't mind praying for us that we can conceive it would be great.

How can one be so selfish?

How can a person be so slefish that they would take their life at 18 years old? How can a person counsel a person to take their life? That is sick! So Evan's cousins friend/gf was found in the river this past weekend. Its very sad but also better that they have closure.

Bringing me to my next thing about confidentiality with Doctors yes I know she was 18 and an adult but to give a single female girl who lives in resident a drug that side affects are suicide, thats not okay! The laws need to be changed! And for the school's they found her passed out a few times on campus from drinking so much and she had razor blades on her a few times! Why wouldn't someone contact her parents.

i am not blaming the university at all but someone should have known about her and what was going on with her to even make the phone call to mom and dad. She went home a week before she went missing and the father did say she was not her self and stressed but didn't feel she was that bad no because she hid it and now that poor father is blaming himself over this. Ugh its so sad!

Then there is my Christian beliefs coming out which bugs me the most is that everyone on the facebook group all have picture from Heaven and saying Nadia is watching down on us. She is with God. Why would God choose to take this beautiful angel? Ugh its frustrating!

Anyways life is tough at times but not tough enough to ever cause so many people pain. And I am sad for Luc as he and Nadia had a fight the day before she went missing and now he has to live with this for the rest of his life, he is only 19. Life is not fair.

Good Appointment

So yesterday Evan and I went to the doctor I am thankful to have a good friend who came over and watched all 4 wild children. So Evan and I went and she talked to us, we got Evan's count back and it was good and we she was happy that the metformin is working for me and that I am getting my period more regular. So tomorrow I go and get a blood test to see if I ovulated this month, my hope that the test will show that I am pregnant lol. Oh if dreams came true!

I really need to have a life change and change my weight and work my butt off! But you know how hard this is! Last night was the final for the biggest loser and oh my god! I wish I could go on that show and get the same help. I would probably be kicked off first but who knows! I need the motitvation Evan is no help at all... And I don't have time to go to weight watchers thats what happens when ya have a job!

Is it friday?

So I sit here and think about it would be like to have my own child one I would have to deal with 24/7 amongest with 5 other children and it gets overwhelming.

The worst part of infertility is when people ask you if your going to have kids and you tell them you have feritlity problems and they say I am so sorry. Why are you sorry! Don't be sorry its not your fault and don't feel weird about talking about kids with me, believe me I am so happy for you that you have kids, yes I would like my own but I also know that God will.

Evan and I are still talking about teh whole foster to adopt thing, I wonder if its just better to go through CAS to Adopt instead of fostering, I am not sure yet. Really I wish I could just have someone have a baby for me and give it to me LOL.

A ex co-worker her Sister in law is pregnant again for the second time the first is with grandma she is 18 and can't look after her first so they are trying to tell her to give it up for adoption. I told my friend that Evan and I would be happy to look into everything, she said she would let them all know. I am not getting any hopes up or anything, but I did tell my friend that she and the family would have all rights to the child.


On to other things:

So this week has been hell! My kids are not listening and my little 16 month old is oh man nothing but trouble and attitude this week. He doesn't think its important to sleep anymore. Then at night he is miserable for mom and dad, I feel bad.
I want the weekend to come now!!! Along with Miserable he has been sick today too ahhhhhhh I could very easily lose my mind!

I am craving waffles, so tonight for dinner it will be waffles waffles waffles!

I found this video very touching

I know alot of people who have infertility and I believe God has blessed me with them and also with a great message board of great women who are always there for you. I have learned so much from these people about infertility.

It is heart aching but yes Evan and I are in it together!

http://www.tearsandhope.com/ click on the video its amazing

Birth Control or Practice

So I have started to watch a 9 month old baby boy he is adorable big boy and cute, but then he has that ear piercing scream and I just want to cry! His mom is a single mom and is a nurse so that means we have him 2days 6:25am-7:30pm and then two nights 6:25pm till who knows when, then 5 days off. I really wish we all could have jobs like that 4 days then 5 off sweeeeeeet!

Today is the first night, Mom is sick with the flu and called asking if I would take him for the full day today to. So if mom is sick all night We might have him till Wednesday, crazy eh I know!

So this will be either good practice or it will be Birth Control for us.

On a side note if all is well I should be ovulating sometime in the next week so I pray Evan and I can get alone time and that I am not to tired for it, because believe me last night I was exhausted lol. And Evan should be done his infection and I should be Ovultating, I believe I ovulate because I get bad pain and I get bad pimples at the time of Ovulation!

Evan and I go to see our doctor on Tuesday next week. We will see what we will do from there.

Its beautiful outside, Evan and I bought a swing set this weekend, I love it! And I am sure the kids will love it also when its not so muddy back there, its suppose to get up to 66 today or 19 for us canadians. We also bought a sun shade shelter this weekend to, we were trying to find a patio set but couldn't. But truely to be honest not sure if I want one we will see, I have to be in love with it. Last year I was in love with one at the superstore but not for the price.

I am excited to have children because we will be set! Our kids will have everything. Thats the best thing about this job, we will be ready for our own children and won't have to fork out tons of cash for things.

Give me Strength

Oh God please give me strength to deal with today!

Today has been a day I want it to be over with!

First off this morning I have 5 kids which is fine my oldest decides not to listen and just ignores me so time to herself till she is ready to talk.

Then I am making snack I drop a whole slice of french toast in a sick of hot water ughhhhhhhhhhh

Then I opened the grape juice and it exploded all over me and all over the counter

Then I spilt 1/2 cup of syrup on the counter

For the past hour I have been listening to a child who is screaming bl**dy murder, he is over tired and refuses to sleep. Ugh!!

Just give me the strength to deal with him.

I think this afternoon after nap time I will take them for a walk. maybe I will get the stroller out now and try to get Nevin to sleep that way