Life

house news

2011-08-09T16:40:00.000-07:00

Well our house is listed and we need to sell it quickly as we have another house to buy quickly!

We placed an offer on a house that we LOVE LOVE LOVE everyone loves it. We have an accepted offer on it with conditions our place sells. So now I ask for prayers our house sells!

I am scared nervous and a ball of stress waiting for our house to be shown and to sell.

Please say a little prayer

Thanks

bad blogger

2011-08-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

I am such a slacker, I am sure I post this all the time

This past Tuesday was my 27th birthday!! I got the best present ever! Our social worker called and the adoption papers were completed! Yahoooooooooooo I was sooooooooo over the moon and excited to hear this! Sean is ours forever no worries of ever losing him, he is ours!

So much stress right now trying to sell our house, we found a house we LOVE! I am so scared we are going to lose it by not selling our place, it sucks the stress is so much. The house is a 4 story house and the first time I ever saw it I wanted it! I want it to be my house! We have looked at so many other houses and I want this one and only this one! So I keep praying that our house will sell fast and we can get this house.

I have started babysitting its only till Dec 14th. I am exhausted getting up at 5:30 every morning. It's good money and will pay for Christmas and our trip to Florida.

We are trying to get a passport for Sean and if his birth certificate comes I will send it back if we get rejected again.

On Dec 15th I am having my gall bladder taken out.

I am going to start blogging every day for the next 51 days on August 15th as I will be starting the 51 day diet again

2011-06-22T19:25:00.000-07:00

This blows, this is all I seem to write about is heart ache

I never really knew the pain that people suffered when they had 1 child and they were greedy and wanted more. My heart breaks.

I did 6 months of clomid and clomid killed my body Gallstones so every month when I would do clomid I would Suffer bad from gallstones. I lost 60lbs also so it all doesnt help.

This month was our last month for clomid with my dr if we want to do more we have to go to Calgary well I am done.. I can not travel back and forth and put that toll on everyone. And physically I am drained

The pain I suffer each month is not worth it, this month I really thought I had a chance I felt ovulation and we did the deed and well the past 2 days my boobs KILL bill beyond belief. Today I found a test and went to take it and as I took it I was bleeding UGH I hate you AF HATE HATE.

I had a cry and pleeded to God life is not fair why why do I have to suffer when there will be a hooker tonight that gets pregnant.

Then it brought me to my heart being happy with Sean and adoption but the only problem is I do not want it to be another 18 months till we get Sean a sibling.

This past week my best friend had a baby and Sean loved her and wanted to hold and kiss her it was great it melted my heart and I prayed and prayed and prayed for a baby but obviously that is not happening.

This sucks, yes I am so happy to have sean but feel like a failure and just dreed the long adoption process again :( And I want the best for Sean and not just a sibling. I pray hard his mom gets pregnant so I can have a baby have those baby stages.

I hope one day it will happen and I can have a new born

The Pain

2011-04-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

Well its not good news, today has been an awful day wait this week has been awful just plain awful.

I had hope last night as it was Day 32 and I always get my period day 32 so this morning I was going to test but decided I would wait as I thought there was blood but when we got home from church my life crushed before my eyes AF (aunt Flo) showed her ugly face and to add to it two girls not just 1 but two girls announced they are pregnant and just like today positive test... that means we would have been due the same day UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH so frustrating my hopes are gone my life is crushed.

It was like taking my heart and stepping on it and crushing it into the ground. I am trying to be strong on the outside but damn does it hurt so bad. This was month 5 on clomid and I have lost 63lbs and I just felt this was the month. But now I have lost all hope that I will ever get pregnant. Not only do I have issues but we have had sperm issues also so its just frustrating.

I know I should be so happy to have our son and I am don't get me wrong but I want a new born I want a baby to bring home from the hospital and not have anyone else love or hurt the baby till they get to us. I need to have a newborn I want a newborn. I love adoption but I want a newborn baby not one that has been in care or anything I want to love this baby from day one. And really I want to feel that baby kicking in me, I want a reason to eat pickles all day long.

This kills me and I just want to cry hard, I am broken not only fertility but my heart is so hurt.

I am done fertility drugs I can not take this the hope I had this month has been shot down and I am in so much pain not only heart but physical pain now also ughhh this sucks.

Pitty Party

2011-04-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

I am having myself a pitty party ughh

I am so thankful for our son and couldn't imagine life without him but there is part of me that is still mourning not having a bio child, we have been doing fertility meds and I have lost 60lbs and well I just want this so bad! Everyone it seems around me is pregnant very close people to just people on fb. Then there is those that have no clue what I go through and they open their mouth and it makes it 10 times worse.

I then look at my faith, people are suppose to tithe 10% of the income well we don't and last week the pastor said if you don't tithe you will be cursed so really am I cursed, this is when I think about religion and question it all. Why would a person who loved us so much cause us so much pain. The pain I suffer to see someone pregnant, to see someone holding a new baby, to getting my period its all to much and I just can't deal with it right now. I am on day 29 and usually get AF at 32 so I will wait 3 more days. I have lost all hope that it will ever happen, I am at a breaking point where I am done even trying and yes my faith comes in that I am hurt badly that this is where it is.

It makes me so mad that why would A God who loves us so much would allow this to happen, that tonight a person who doesn't believe can get pregnant by a man paying her to have sex and then her addictions through the months causes harm on the baby. Then there is me who really wants a baby and well its not happening.

I hate pms and I hate it all... why couldn't life be simpler why do I have to have all the symptoms of pregnancy before AF comes ughhhh

My hope is gone, this was the last month on fertility drugs and now I will focus on adoption again in September and pray that maybe one day we can experience the new born life

Our Son!

2010-10-19T07:31:00.001-07:00

It's funny how almost a year ago I was writing a post about Christmas and how all I wanted was that gift of a child.

Well God gifted us with the best present ever, June 3rd was the best day of my life, when we got the phone call! on June 18th we made our way 7 hours away to meet with the foster family, social workers and that day our hearts jumped for joy as we were told we were going to become parents for sure!

I once again had to wait, 5th year mark and we waited again June came, July came and the 13th we got to see a picture of our baby boy! On the 31st we laid eyes on him for the first time ever, his name is Sean he is 2.5 years old he will be 3 in January he is beautiful, he has bright blue eyes and he is our son! For 8 weeks we hung out with Sean almost every day, we had to return him and those days broke my heart, I cried and missed him so much.

On September 25th Sean was welcomed into our home forever! We love him to pieces and would never trade him for anything!

Sean has fragile x and Autism and it makes me love him more!

Sean is delayed in speech but is getting much better since its just been us at home with him.

Sean has 4 siblings and 2 are still not adopted and I pray one day they will be

Sean's middle name is Karl with no E!

This Christmas we will have a christmas with Sean he will be our true blessing! We thank God for him daily!

Our lives have changed and we love it!

Struggling this Christmas

2009-12-22T19:50:00.001-08:00

Christmas is around the corner

Well today I am having a really rough day, prayers are needed. I look under the tree and see all these gifts that belong to my spoiled rotten much loved niece and think how much the gift I really want is not under there and how tough it is this year to have Christmas.

I thought I would be okay with this but this week 3 people have said they are pregnant, once again here we go again how many like time it was 20 in 2 weeks... How many the week before Christmas? Don't get me wrong I am happy but hurting deep inside. One person is someone who is really close to me and man does it make the wound sting harder.

I keep talking to my friend about this all and I cry when I tell her and its tough because I know my time will come but seriously HOW LONG??

Today I was thinking, all I wanted when I was 19 and married was to live in Elkford and have Evan have a great job at the mine, it took 5 years for it to happen and when it did it wasnt quick it was June Resume, August 1st interview, September 2nd interview in person and October hired.. So here I sit and think All I want now is to have a family, children of my own, children I can love and cuddle and have call me mom. Its tough this March it has been 4 years of waiting and trying, I hope I am a mom before the 4 year mark.

Please keep us in your prayers and pray that 2010 brings us wonderful news quickly and that I dont have to wait anymore its tough.. I have learn patients and well its time.

God please help me make it through hopefully my last ever alone Christmas of not being a mother, this is tough God and I need your help.

Denise

On my mind

2009-08-24T23:13:00.000-07:00

Wow its been awhile since I have posted, that is because Evan and I have a blog together now and I have been posting there. http://waitingforalittlereker.blogspot.com/

This blog may be all over the place but what have I been thinking about lately. When did you start on the internet? Do you have relationships/friendships that you will never forget? What do you do on the internet?

Well for me I started on the internet 11 years ago and I chatted in a Christian chatroom then I found another one after that where I met Evan. But I had some strong friendships with people when I was a teen and in time we stopped talking to one another or we drifted apart.

Well Jesus Cafe I met my friend Kaci and Brian we got in a lot of trouble in the site that one day we all got banned until we apologized for what we did wrong. Brian was Kaci and my man and I spent tons of hours talking to Brian and Kaci each night. Well years have gone by and I talk to Kaci maybe once a year and Brian I have talked to randomly. Brian was a musical guy who drove a van and delivered papers. To me he was a sweet guy and I introduced him to my IRL friend Christine who dated him for awhile and actually got the pleasure of meeting him, it just didnt work out for them. Well this past week I was driving by Brandon MB and it was early so I thought I would try to see if Brian has been on facebook recently or if he was at camp, every summer he went to camp to be a counselor, well my heart sank, a piece of me was ripped away when I read Brian died... WHAT are you kidding me how he is only 27 years old, Brian OMG I talked to you in June everything was going good. Brian passed away July 3rd while delivering his papers, he had chest pain and sat in his van and died. I am so upset that he died alone, God I pray he didn't suffer at all and I pray he wasn't alone in the van. My heart still breaks. Brian I will never forget you, it breaks my heart we never met. Brian I feel awful for your family as your brother died 2 years ago.

Please if you have dear friends who mean a lot to you please try to find them and tell them how much you care for them. You never know when they will be gone. Friendships may only last awhile but memories last a life time.

There are a few friends I had when I was young, I always wonder what happend to them, I think I will go and search and see if I can find them.

I was going to share with you my fav blogs I read but for now I will leave you with that.

Rest in peace Brian Cookson I will never forget you

Brian James Cookson (August 21, 1981 - July 3, 2009) of Brandon passed away suddenly on July 3, 2009 at the Brandon Regional Health Centre. Brian spent his entire life in Brandon. He attended Green Acres, J.R. Reid, Waverly and Neelin High School, graduating in 1999. At the time of his passing, he delivered early morning papers for the Winnipeg Sun. He also worked for the Brandon School Division as a lunch supervisor for Meadows School and as an EA for the woodworking shop at Riverheights School. He was a member of Big Brothers and Sisters, and The Salvation Army. He enjoyed music from the time of his birth. He played violin with the Conservatory Orchestra, making many tours with this group. He also toured with the Neelin School Choir to Prague in 2000. Brian played in the Brandon University Orchestra and for the last five years with the Brandon Community Orchestra on viola. He also played euphonium in The Salvation Army band and keyboard with the Praise and Worship Team. In recent years, Brian began to write music and do arrangements for the BCO. Brian is survived by his parents, Charlie and Edna Cookson, a brother, Dave (Wanda) Cookson, and a sister, Beverleigh (Kevin) Broughton. He also has six nephews. He was predeceased by his brother Rick in 2007. A Celebration of Life service will be held at the Brockie Donovan Chapel, 332-8th Street, on Saturday, July 11, 2009 at 1:00 p.m. with Capt. Bruce MacKenzie of The Salvation Army officiating. Interment will follow at Rosewood Memorial Gardens. In lieu of flowers, donations may be placed with The Salvation Army, 9 Princess Ave. East, Brandon, MB, R7A 1R8 or to a charity of your choice.

Prayer

2009-07-27T13:15:00.001-07:00

A little boy named Stellan has been living with SVT (rapid Heart beats) is in bad shape and needs all our prayers.
Please pray for him and his family, pray his heart will be healed.

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Stellan, Jen and PC you are in my prayers

McLinky

2009-06-30T19:44:00.000-07:00

There’s a great new “linky” service available and I wanted to let you know about it. It’s called MckLinky – www.mcklinky.com. After realizing the need for a new, reliable linky capability, Brent Riggs and MckMama got together to create a free, easy to use linky service for all their blog friends.

MckLinky is a free link list feature that allows you to do include lists of other blog links like MckMama does on Not Me! Monday. You can use MckLinky any time you want your blog readers to leave a list of links on your blog. It’s simple, reliable, free...and loads of MckFun!

Thanks for spreading the word, good "luck" and happy MckLinking!

That's the way I like it

2009-06-07T22:40:00.000-07:00

Wow I need to start updating this more.

Anyways I had my HSG and man did it ever hurt like a pain! Oh man... But great news my tubes are open.

DH had to do another test and just praying it comes back normal if it does not then I believe we are done for now. But we will talk, we are very excited to do the adoption journey.

Some people don't get why we would give up but really we aren't giving up we are just taking a detour right now and we want to help a child out who is not feeling loved. I am sick of people telling me what I should be doing, instead of them listening to our plans. I am glad that others don't have the same plan as we do thats wonderful but get it out of their heads that this is the route we want to choose not theirs. The journey sucks as to many people have their own opinions and won't just listen.

Their is a song I love and it really helps me know the decisions we are making is the right one, its going to be a long bumpy emotional road but its going to be well worth it.

Evan and I have both filled out all our paper work and now we need to get medicals and criminal records done. And also we picked 4 amazing people to do our paper work for us, people we are blessed to have in our life and 3 out of the 4 got the papers last week. Jackie I hope yours comes tomorrow. They have to answer questions about us, I am happy for who we choose.

A friend from my home town is out in Kelowna adopting her two beautiful girls. I am super happy for her.

Evan and I have been talking about adopting a sibling group. We would love 2 or 3. So we will be putting that out for our choice. I am excited and know the last 3 years of trying for a baby and not getting anywhere has been a reason and thats because we are called to adoption.

Here is the verse to the songAnd how can two people
Who built a loving home
Try for years
And never have a child of their own
And somewhere out there tonight
There is a baby no ones holding tight
In need of love
To me that don't add up

I might make a new blog, have yet to decide on Evan's and my journey to adopt.

The weather tonight is calling for Snow 30cms oh man!!!

Sad emotional day for the Freeman family

2009-05-12T20:43:00.000-07:00

Wow I must say I am very heart broken, and my heart breaks for this family.

They are the Freeman family and I have been reading their blog for awhile. Yesterday their one pound miracle baby has died after spending 11 months in the hospital. The Lord has taken her home.

Kayleigh was born 12 weeks premature weighing 1lb she fought for 11 months of her life. Her family was ready to take her home but one surgery left to repair a hernia and well something went wrong, Kayleigh was left brain damaged. Yesterday she passed away.

Please pray for the Freeman family... They will be on the Doctor's tomorrow (Wednesday)- http://www.thedoctorstv.com/main/content/Kayleigh

Here is the families website -http://kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/

This Family is Amazing

2009-05-11T15:32:00.001-07:00

Well this family is amazing, they have triplets and then adopted two little boys both with some medical problems and now they are going for 2 girls!

Check them out- http://fromthetrenchesofadoption.blogspot.com/

They are also doing a draw for a free IPOD Nano 8GB all you have to do is donate $5 and get your name in for the draw so they can bring their little girls home from Bulgaria!

So once again the website is -http://fromthetrenchesofadoption.blogspot.com/

rough time

2009-05-10T21:46:00.001-07:00

well today sucks... All I want is to be a mother instead I am a women who suffers from infertility and well let me tell you it sucks.

I was suppose to go to the hospital on Tuesday to get an HSG and Ultrasound, so I had my period (AF- Aunt Flo) for 14 days and well all was going well. THEN Saturday we drive 1 hour and 40 mins and I get to walmart and what do I notice AF are you kidding me OMG!! So now it sucks... I have to cancel all my appointments.

Why can't things work out in our time, God has his hand and I wonder what he has planned.

Anyways Happy Mother's Day to those mother's out there and those that want to be a mother

Cats+ chipmunks= entertainment

2009-05-05T14:28:00.000-07:00

So I sit here and think about how hard some try to have a baby and then how others pop them out, and how others just have horseshoes and are able to get what they want now! Then they have bumps and don't understand why...

This mother's day I am hoping and praying it will be the last that I won't be a mother.

As I sit her and think I am very thankful for my life!

Evan and I both have wonderful families, even though Evan's live so far away we were blessed with his family for 5 wonderful years. And I am thankful we have my family to be close by and all my friends here. I missed a lot living in Ontario but was greatful for the wonderful family members and friends we have and miss them all dearly.

Well I have decided the last few days I have been crabby over a fight with someone and I have decided no one is worth the stress and emotions I had. I was pretty frustrated.

I have been lucky to have two wonderful cats who I love and the last two days have been crazy here and I have to say I am really mean.
Yesterday Howie was sitting on the tv stand and went flying into the window like a bird.. There was a a chipmunk... Haha well this chipmunk has tormented my cat all day. Well this morning who came back but the wonderful chipmunk oh man I am mean, I threw out some almonds and now there are two and they are driving my cats nuts. Hahaha I am so mean... But its a good laugh for the week I have had hahaha

Life is full of adventures

2009-05-03T22:37:00.000-07:00

Well Evan's aunt follows my blog and asked what was new

Well here is the low down..

I go for my HSG and an ultrasound on May 12th, For those who don't know what HSG is its to check to see if your tubes are open. After this if all is well with my tubes and stuff we will do clomid!

Now a big worry with clomid is multiples I do know it can happen but will it happen I dunno, It all depends if how man mature Follies I have. If we had 8 we would talk about it but 8 is pushing it but what are the chances... I have a friend who had 8 and did IUI and none took. And who knows about if the sperm can make it to the eggs. Its great LOL the joys of my life.

Then we move on to adoption we have 18 chapter with tons of questions we are working through. Its tough but we are making it through. Then we will meet with the social worker. Its great.

I am very thankful to have supportive people in my life and that I know some won't so its better just push them out of the way and go on with true family and friends. The ones you know will be there for you no matter what.

Evan and I have big decisions to make in life right now and the worst thing is people butting in and trying to tell me what I should do, I don't tell them what to do so they should not tell me what to do at all.... Its taking me back to I shouldn't live with Evan before marriage... Well its no one else's business. What happens... I know a lot of stuff and I don't go attacking people pushing stuff in their face... I have tons of close friends that I have learned a lot from.

So there you have it where we stand!
We are hoping to do clomid next month I will try to post but it will probably more private as I want to be private about stuff now.

2009-04-08T04:51:00.001-07:00

I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is. Albert Camus

What to do

2009-03-31T21:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to think..

Today I took my best friend down town and her two kids, we were grocery shopping and Nike said Mom why does Denise and Evan not have kids, and Nana said well they will one day. Then he said Mom maybe their baby is in someone else's belly..
Wow does that hit home, is that a sign oh man God help me to get through this tough time.

I struggle I am wasting time doing fertility treatments and should just go and adopt. I really have that feeling, I think Evan and I will need to really talk. Since I have not gotten AF yet not sure where she is...

So yes that is my life right now!

there is a day drawing near when this darkness breaks to light!

2009-03-30T22:34:00.001-07:00

there is a day drawing near when this darkness breaks to light!

Wow isn't that true, we have come to 3 years of being off BC and trying hard for a baby, wow its the hardest struggle ever. I see my husband look at our friends babies and his eyes light up and I look at the love they have for their kids and I break. I break for and for Evan. I break to see the pain in his eyes how he wishes we had a baby to love and cuddle each day when he came home. How I know a baby would build us stronger as a couple as a family. Right now we both have to much free time and spend it different ways. How we could fight over the baby and who gets to change the poopy bum. I hurt so bad oh God. I hurt to the point I don't want to watch other people's kids I want my own to watch. God please help me through this hard time.

God I also have given up Lord I am down on my knees for help Lord for losing weight please help me oh Lord give me strength to lose weight. I can not do this alone.

A beautiful song- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvrBQL8swLI

Turn the darkness I have into light Lord God

Praise to God in the highest

2009-03-28T21:16:00.000-07:00

Oh what a day what a day!

I woke up not feeling good, cold has moved to my head and oh man it kills, my eyes are watering right now and I cant stop from sneezing. DH was nice and cleaned the house as its Saturday and we have Pizza family day usually every other week on Saturday's. So my niece came over to play with me but a friend was over doing posters for Youth Group, so Larkin coloured with us. My bro and Evan played Xbox 360.

Well I had to run downtown to get stuff, one cold medicine, two a bottle of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum for the guy who is fixing our van tomorrow.

Well we got home I went to shut the hatch and boom I dropped the bag with the bottle of rum in it OMG I was so mad at myself there went $36... GREAT!!! Thank God I didn't buy the $58 bottle... So now next week I have to go buy another bottle....

Anyways there is still no period, I have no clue where she is, why she won't show her ugly face.

Major Prayer requests tonight

Stellan who is in STV, please pray for this little boy and his heart that his heart will slow down and go back into a normal rhythm. http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Praise for Eli, his family was away adopting 2 boys and when they came home Eli was white as a ghost they took him to the hospital and they figured he has Leukemia well praise it is not! and its 100% curable. http://www.themalonefamily.us/

The Daniel Family- Brittany's water broke at 24 weeks, she is now 25 weeks please pray she can make it to 28 weeks. They are from Alabama but she was in DC for work so she and her husband Beau are away from their 17 month old son in DC. http://beauandbrittanydaniel.blogspot.com/

For Spencer and Crystal, they just lost their 8 month old son Sage, he died in his crib. Please pray for this family at this time for the loss and struggle they will have. God Bless little Sage.http://spencer-crystal5.blogspot.com/

Remember the Tipping family as they lost their 6 babies a few weeks ago. http://www.thetippingfamily.com/

Pray for my small town, there is a lot of vandalism going on all the churches have suffered from broken windows. Please pray for protection over the town.

Why????

2009-03-24T18:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had someone tell you that they would kill their child if it had DS or anything else? Well my bestfriend just told me that her SIL had an abortion because they thought it might have DS. It makes me so angry that you would kill a child because it has an illness or disability and you are to selfish to be able to love a child. YOU should never ever get pregnant if this is your view because seriously you are a low sick person... I am sorry But I am sick of hearing people are killing their baby because of an ultra sound that says they might had DS, half of the kids are born fine and they wouldn't give it a chance, they do not deserve anymore children.

This leads me to a story of a blog I remember reading, that the women was pregnant and that during an ultrasound her babies heart was very sick and the Dr's kept telling her they did not think the baby would live at 24 weeks, they gave their son to God. Well Stellan was born and was born very healthy and was doing awesome, until the other day when Stellan was ill and they gave him a double dose of medication, his heart rate went to 300BPM and they have gotten it down to around 220 but it needs to drop more. Stellan is in need of lots of prayer and his family, they have given Stellan to God. I pray that God will help slow down Stellan's heart and that God will heal this child one more time.

My heart breaks

2009-03-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

Well my heart is breaking so bad for the Tipping Family, they lost all 6 of their babies this weekend.

Life stinks, to suffer infertility then get pregnant with 6 babies and then to lose all 6 babies at 20 weeks like How is that fair in life. Seriously is sucks big time, get their hopes up and get it ripped away. I would rather have the fertility treatments fail then to carry 6 babies for 5 months and lose them all LIFE is so unfair and I don't understand why crap happens to good people.

I am having a hard time with my faith and haven't talked to anyone about it, why because I think its so unfair that we put our faith in a loving Father and we get hurt and broken inside. Like all I have ever wanted is a baby and to me its so flippen hard to get a baby, but tonight a hooker/drug addict will sleep with someone and get pregnant HOW IS THAT FAIR??? ughhhh

I am so flippen sick of people telling me that I am young and that I have lots of time to have a child... No I don't I want one now! It sucks so bad! And I want to adopt and try fertility and UGH OH MY GOSH LIFE SUCKS!

TIPPING FAMILY I AM SO SORRY :(

Prayer Request

2009-03-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

Today I want to come here to pray for a family that I have never met but have been touched by reading their story.

They were pregnant with 6 babies and delivered one the other day and this morning the identical twin. So they have lots 2 babies in a few days and still have 4 more, please pray they can keep the babies in for 4 more weeks at least and hopefully 12.
http://www.thetippingfamily.com/ is their blog.

So on Wednesday we are going to Edmonton I can't wait to see my best friend again and spend 4 days with her.

Hopefully soon my period will come so I can get an ultrasound and an HSG.

ugh I suck

2009-03-09T23:32:00.000-07:00

Man where to start..

I am feeling overwhelmed and thinking of what to do, like I am going to do Clomid but my friend wanted me hire me to work with her autistic child but I am very overwhelmed and sent her a message tonight saying I am not going to have time but I hope she isn't mad at me. Ugh I feel so mean but really I need to focus on myself and if doing fertility drugs is going to wear me out I don't want no commitments.

I hope I never lost a friend, she does my hair too and owe's me because I babysat lots.

Ugh I guess people take me for granted and I let people walk on me, it sucks.

Like my friend, I drive her everywhere..
Then This friend who keeps calling me and expecting me to take her kids, today on FB she put thanks to another friend for taking her son as she was overwhelmed and then she thanked her and said Thank God for Friends like you. Well the thing that erks me is that she asked me to take him but I had other things I needed to do, I have income tax and stuff that I am trying to get done but its driving me nuts... That people want me to do stuff... and I dont say NO!! ugh dang!!

Ugh Life sucks

2009-03-04T19:47:00.000-08:00

Today I am so frustrated....

Well I talked to the adoption lady and it was going well till I told her I was overweight, then she went off about it are you kidding me???? You are worried that I'm over weight but want a child even with Autism.... I feel like I have been slapped in the face, fine I won't eat ever again... I will lost weight then I will get a kid right away I doubt it. I have lots of strength's and they may look right past that.

Oh she also said if we are going to do clomid then she won't come do the home study because if we got pregnant it would be a waste of time. So now I have to decide if I want to adopt or to do clomid ugh life sucks!

I just wish I could POAS on friday and find a BFP, yeah right!

God please help me I feel so empty I want a child to fill that need that I have. Oh God please help us figure out what to do, clomid or adoption Lord...

Oh yeah I am on day 3 of no pop and its killing me man! My head is pounding.... I can do it! I even went out for lunch oh each of the 3 days and had water...

blah

2009-02-28T19:46:00.000-08:00

Well here it goes 3 years ago I went off BC and went to a dr to figure out if I have PCOS, well the dr I went to was a crack and found out I did.... Well I wasn't in a big rush to have a baby at that time so I kept up with her.... Well her biggest concern was my weight and wouldn't do anything for me because I was obese... I got mad but we still had tests we were doing so I stuck to it. She tried some weight loss drugs with me nothing happend. DH and I were going to a new RE but then he got the job here. So I live in a remote area and have to drive 3 hours for an RE, well there is a dr who is an OB/RE on the side and I got in with him and today I went to him he is super nice.. He told me straight out yes losing weight will help but its very hard for those who have PCOS. So we are starting from fresh and he is going do new blood work and another ultra sound, and he is going to check my tubes to make sure they are opened. The dr said I was to fat.

So here is how it goes
Blood Ultra sound
DH sperm test (again)
DR's appointment
Check Tubes
Clomid for 6 months with Metformin ( I am already on metformin)

If not pregnant within the 6 months- Trip to the RE in Calgary probably for IUI So there is my TTC journey we are also going to do the adoption process also. I am super excited and hope we can conceive our own baby.

This past week I have been feeling very awful sick to my stomach and just plain out tired. Have I thought about being pregnant sure have but do I think I am NO there is No way. I bought tests but I am to scared to use them. Why because I hate seeing a BFN (Big Fat Negative). I am going out to a party next Saturday so I will take a test then to just make sure. The other morning I woke up with dh and I felt so awful I closed my eyes and went back to sleep. Maybe my sugars are all off, who knows....

I'll keep ya posted

Adoption

2009-02-24T21:36:00.000-08:00

Well so today I was talking to Evan's aunt we love her... And I have been struggling over the fact of adopting a child with Autism. Today Jackie told me no matter what I have the resources on the web and that I am a great teacher and there is no need to worry. Its broke my heart, yes I know I can deal with an autistic child and will if thats what I am called to.

Its tough! I filled out all the forms and are sending them tomorrow out.

I feel like we have hit a big road block because the lady is so slow, I know she is busy doing business but still I feel so frustrated I just want to be speaking with her. I have delt with infertility long enough now I have to deal with slow process.

How many times do you tell your child you love them? How many times do you kiss them? Man I see so many people now a days who don't kiss their children or tell them they love them. I can't wait to have a child to kiss them all day and to just tell them I love them and that I care for them.

Faith

2009-02-22T20:20:00.000-08:00

So today we had church and it was really good and LA our pastor asked us to start praying for a certain group of people. Well I have found myself praying for Pregnant ladies and well Cocaine Ladies. I am also praying for children that are up for adoption, I pray each night for out future child, only God knows if we will have our own baby or if our child is alive right now living somewhere else.

I always wonder about religion and yeah I am awful for it sometimes I feel like what the heck am I doing? First off I am anti bible, I hate when people throw scripture at you FOR GOODNESS SAKES!! Mary was 12 when she had Jesus 12 DID you see that 12!!! Like this is now a days, we eat pork, we get tattoos and we pierce our bodies. We wear shoes and we drive cars, we don't ride donkey's or camels. Do I question my faith yes all the time, can I feel God not really. Today during worship they sang How Great is our God! Yes I believe in him and he is wonderful but then there is times I sit back and think why would a Great God allow suffering and pain that we go through. God has a plan for us but God also gave us brains and a hear to have our own plan to. I only listen to Christian music, why because I find peace with it and enjoy it.

But I do and will always pray even when I feel like I am living a fake life. I would love to have a debate with someone on the bible because really we don't follow over half and then those who throw some scripture out it drives me mental.

Anyways on a good note tomorrow I need to call the Call dealership and get a piece for our van and the guy who lives above us is going to fix it for us for free! Yahoo I am super excited about that!

Evan and I bought flowers the other day and we bought tulips and Gerber daisy's. I actually love the tulips, I want more! Maybe on Friday when I go to the dr's!

I need to work out this week, I am hoping to swim tues/wed and thursday

I am hoping for more energy this week.

Prayer for the night

God
I thank you for who you are and what you do, even though times like now I am lost and do not feel you. I try hard but its tough God where are you? I Can't feel you and I feel so lost.

God I pray this week we get an answer for the adoption that we can get on with it. The lady is super busy right now God and I hope that she gets time to start with us. But God I pray for Alana as she is hopefully getting her daughter, I pray for Alana financial wise while she is gone to spend the time with her daughter.

God I pray for Stacey and For Samantha, who are being blessed with 4 babies and 2 babies. I pray you be with them and the babies they need another 10 weeks God I pray the babies stay in for that long.

God I pray for all the ladies in this world who are addicted to Cocaine and for those who are pregnant to be with those little babies. But also to be with them that they can over come their addiction and get the help they need.

God, I pray for Evan and I and our future child either a baby we might conceive or a child who will be born by another lady or a child that is already born. God I pray you be with that child and bless them and keep them safe. Bless their hearts oh God.

God I pray for Evan and I, we each struggle with our own problems Lord, I pray together we can keep staying strong for eachother. After watching the Movie Fire proof Lord I pray that our fire will keep burning, God I pray you throw some Gas on it and make the fire higher.

God one last prayer, for my brother as he goes to see the dr tomorrow. I pray for a safe trip and for knowledge on the DR.

Amen

bit better

2009-02-19T20:39:00.000-08:00

today was a bit better of a day

I went to bed with DH last night at 10 fell asleep like 11:30ish and woke up with his alarm and went pee and fell back asleep till 10.

I got up and went swimming with my two friends.

I did lunch and had my friends baby for 3 hours.

Made dinner and went to church for their annual meeting

DH is still not home he had to work 4.5 hours of OT yahoooo love it! day off here we come!

So I heard the social worker is super busy with a girl who goes to my church, she is hopefully getting a placement YAHOOO its super exciting! She is single and going to have a 5 year old girl!! So I am praying for her that it will all work out for her.

omg tonight ER and Dr Carter.... Yes I have an obsession its ER, I have watched it for as long as I can remember. I don't watch much TV but love ER and Biggest Loser and Jon and Kate plus eight! Jon Carter is on for the next 4 episodes oh man I am in LOVE!!!

So now I am hungry and DH is at the bar because he had to work the OT he gets free food.

Now To watch Hell's Kitchen

Blah

2009-02-18T17:33:00.001-08:00

Blah to the world!

I feel like crap today, I feel crabby and miserable and I am so exhausted I dont know whats wrong with me.

We were busy on the weekend and then this week I just feel so blah and don't want to get out of bed.

I stay up to late, last night I stayed up till 12 then was up at 2-2:30 with a stomach and then at 5:15-7:30 it kills me man, then I got up at 11 ughhh my life is hell with sleeping issues.

Today I went out for lunch but really I didnt want to be there, I just felt blah and wanted to come home.

I tried to work this morning cleaning the kitchen and I opened the dishwasher and there was cheese all over, seriously what the heck was DH thinking WHY would he dump the container in there with cheese still in it, I was soooooooooo mad! I emailed him and said what were yuo thinking. He told me to leave it for him so I did that. So When I came back from Lunch I did 2 loads of laundry and when DH came home he cleaned the dishwasher, I filled it and then turned it on....

I am so exhausted I have no energy at all, I feel like I am being robbed of my life. I think when I go see the dr I want him to check my iron levels.

Tonight I have to babysit my niece and really I don't want to, I want to lay in my bed all night and sleep.

Tomorrow I am going I am going to try hard to get up and go swimming with my friends. Ughhh I feeel so blah

Oh man the worst thing is I have a twitching eye OH GOD I want to die its driving me mental.

Anyways so much for a post its me whinning

No Update

2009-02-17T20:27:00.000-08:00

Well I really don't have anything to update except for I go see the DR on Feb 27th and hopefully will be put on Clomid to see if I will ovulate.

I keep trying to get a hold of the ministry lady but she is busy ughhhh. Fit me in!

This week I am exhausted and I have this weird eye twitching thing happening ughhhh!

I might go swimming tomorrow

There is my lame post

Adoption

2009-02-12T23:32:00.000-08:00

Well I called the lady and emailed her she is super busy this week. So Hopefully we hear back next week.

There are two websites for kids up for adoption and one I have fallen in love with a little boy. My heart melts when I see his smiling face. I do believe if he is still up for adoption when we are done our home study I want to show interest in him. He has autism, but its all been on my heart to adopt an autistic child and well maybe R is the child for that. It breaks my heart he was a cocaine baby its so sad to even know that.

I hope all goes well for us and we are able to move forward quickly with this new chapter in our life.

Life is so unfair

2009-02-08T21:25:00.000-08:00

Oh how Life is so unfair most of the times..
My cousin miscarried today, I feel awful for them.

Second on Wednesday my friend is buying a test, a test to see if she is pregnant. She does not want to be pregnant her family will neglect her even though they weren't married when they had her. Its so unfair she does not want this, she made a mistake and now is possibly pregnant, then there is me who wants a child so bad and I can't have one with out tons of stress and financial burden. Like Seriously how is life fair for this... I don't get it... I can go through the adoption process but it can take years, then a person can sleep with someone one night and BAM!!! LIFE SUCKS!!!

Yes this is a rant and I sound like a cry baby but seriously I am mad! Hurt and don't understand life. I believe in God yes I do, I want to live for him, but sometimes it makes me so mad and I don't know what to believe.... I have wanted a child since I have been like 5, I wanted to be pregnant, then my friends can go sleep with a guy and BAM knocked up! Like seriously, some shouldnt even be parents and for Evan and I who want a baby I DONT GET IT!!!! Like Seriously what the hell is wrong here. I don't get life! Why does God allow us to suffer, then puts children on this earth that suffer to with drug addicted parents, alcoholics. IT makes me so sick to think about it and yes it questions my faith a lot. WHY GOD WHY!! WHY can Jane the hooker on 9th Ave in Vancouver who has AIDS, is a Crack addict sleep with a man tonight with a condom and get pregnant. But Evan and I try for 3 years and nothing..... WHY WHY WHY WHY ME OH LORD!!!

God I pray for peace for this! Its very tough, I pray I find you and feel you, because really the door is not fully opened there. I will believe and trust in you but I can not at all feel you. I feel so awful with this.

I am going to be calling the Ministry this week to talk about Adoption, I will also call my dr to see when I get to go see the dr in cranbrook, I want to go on Clomid now to see if I can Ovulate.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Great Weekend!

2009-02-06T20:26:00.000-08:00

Well I had an amazing weekend and was given my answer, next week I will look into adoption and we will see where we go from there.

On Monday I am going on a diet and will stop drinking pop and start working out all the time.

I had an amazing weekend and there were amazing speakers and bands, Mercy Me is an awesome band. Phil Calloway and Wayne Cordorio are awesome speakers. And Michael W Smith is an amzing man.

I want to pray for myself as its going to be a long journey for the diet. I also want to pray for Evan and I for the adoption stuff that it all goes smooth.

I pray for a friend she made a big mistake and is hoping for a positive outcome. I pray God will be with here during these times. And I pray for her and her struggles.

I also pray for a youth in our youth group, she is a christian but is hanging out with the wrong people who are giving her to much peer pressure. I pray for her each day. I pray that she realizes to make her own decessions.

I want to pray for Steph and Sam and their babies tonight. I pray for another 7.5 weeks at least for both. More but that would be good.

I just pray hard for myself that I will not fall and if I fall that I get right back up again. I pray for the pain that when I work out is not intense and makes me want to quit.

Thank you God for who you are....

I pray for Sunday, I have to speak on what I learned at Break fourth, I pray God be with me and that I dont flunk it.

gone for the weekend

2009-01-29T21:11:00.001-08:00

Well today was a good day I got some sleep last night thank God! And I am ready for bed now.

My prayers today are:
Last night I went out for wing night at the bar with my brother and sister in law. My prayer is that a year ago our town was hit hard with two deaths from drinking and driving, two young guys were killed. I went to school with both this boys. Well last night I was at the bar and I saw the one boys mother and sister there and well I guess she is always there both of them and its tough. I Pray for both of them, the mother is in desperate need of prayers and the sister as she is only 25 and already an alcoholic with her mother. I guess the mother can be found at the bar all day long, that is very sad. So I pray for them both and for the rest of their family.

This weekend I am going away to Edmonton for a Christian conference and I am praying that God will work in me and that I will be able to draw close to him. I also pray that God gives us safety mercys while we travel to Edmonton. I ask God to work in my life.
I pray also that God will open the chapter in our life for a child, our own baby or a child that is already born. I pray we see where God is leading us. Its not an easy road to follow and I want to do what God wants.

I pray also for my friend she has asked me to join weight watchers I pray for this that we will be able to make this work in our books, that we will be able to do this together.

I pray tonight for my cousins wife and for him as they go for another ultrasound on saturday and she was on bedrest all week. I pray for Steph who is in the hospital now, God hold onto those babies and allow steph to go 10 more weeks and I pray for Sam's surgo that she holds strong and that those babies go another 10 weeks-16 weeks.

God I pray for the women who had the 8 babies, no one knows her story but I pray for those babies and for her and her 6 other children.

God please be with me this weekend that it will be a weekend to reconnect with you and for a bonding time with my mom!

Amen!

Babies

2009-01-27T22:28:00.000-08:00

I have met some wonderful people online over the past few years, I am a member of a message board Trying to Conceive and on there I have learned so much about Fertility and some people on there amaze me with what they have gone through.

Tonights post in prayers for 3 of the ladies on there.

God, Tonight I come to you to hold up Samantha, God after reading Sam;s TTC journey my heart breaks for her today Lord, Lord I pray for Samantha and for her Surrogate who is carrying Samantha's twins Lord, she is 20 weeks pregnant and 2cms dilated. Gold I pray the bed rest and the treatment she is receiving will help so Samantha can bring home her beautiful twins.

God I also want to lift up Stephanie Oh God she has been so blessed with this wonderful joy of being blessed with 4 children Lord, Stephanie is only 19weeks and 5 days pregnant God I pray you be with her and that she will not go stir crazy on bed rest God, I pray that you hold these babies in there for another 14 weeks God.

Lord I also pray for my cousin's wife Shannon who is only 6 weeks pregnant I pray you be with her as she has had some spotting Lord. Lord her job is hard and I pray her dr puts her on bed rest so she isnt hurting herself or anyone else at work but not being able to do her job.

God its tough to pray for all these babies, its tough to know how badly I want one and here I am praying for these 7 unborn babies, how lucky these girls are and how hard they have tried to have children.

God my major prayer tonight is for a baby girl named Harper. God I pray tomorrow Harper can breath on her own. Blog to Harper's story http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/

God I am thankful you are a loving and wonderful God and a wonderful Creator. Tonight I pray for these babies and I pray for Evan and myself that we soon will be blessed with a child.

In your mighty and powerful name we pray Amen!

Reason for this blog

2009-01-26T21:17:00.000-08:00

So I don't have children and I have a very boring life. A life that deals with fertility issues, stresses and obesity. I have been thinking about starting a new blog about weight issues and about prayers to God, I want to spend much more time in prayer and for me writing it out helps me. But I decided this blog is my life and so here I will start it all.

Weight,

I struggle with weight issues, I need help, I am lazy and well I have issues with my right leg after breaking it and my back it hurts after being in a trampoline accident. So I need lots and lots of help. And I need to do it, I thought about Gastric By pass surgrey which would help me, but if you watch the Biggest Loser there is a man on there that had it done and it failed ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Anyways I need to go swimming 3 times a week but I need motivation.

Prayers,
I believe in God and try to make him a priority in my life, its tough I try to pray but I feel like I am one of those hyprocrits where they only pray when something bad happens or when they need God.

Well I need God every day.. I am going to post a prayer every day here, I have a hard time reading the bible, I just dont want to follow it as it was written many years ago, dont get me wrong I love God and love Jesus and I believe Jesus is the son of God. But the things in the bible, its crazy it goes back way back when and not it todays times. I hate that Christian's judge about Gays and anything else that is Wrong in the Bible, would it be wrong in God's eyes today? Who knows but do we have the rights to judge NO. So I am very on the edge with the bible and could careless about reading it, does it make me a bad Christian, In my eyes NO, in your eyes Maybe. But there we go judging again. So anyways I know I need to pray more and spend more time in prayers. Things happen and I believe God is a big part of them.

Prayer:
God I ask that you open mine and Evan's eyes Lord to see what you hold for us, what we should be doing Lord. My heart tells me so many things but when I think of it I don't know what to do. My dream Lord and my wants and needs is to have a baby, a baby of my own and a baby to adopt Lord. I want to adopt a child who needs a loving home and loving fun parents, I want a child who has special needs but I am not supported anywhere else for this as we live in a small town that can't support a child with needs as the government has cut back to many things. I have parents who want us to have a normal child. But God even our own child could have special needs.

God please help me to fill out requirements to solve all the adoption ideas I have, and for Evan to be on the same track and Lord I ask that you help us to find a child that is our forever child. Lord I also ask that you help me to conceive a child of my own, a child that Evan and I created with you Lord. A piece of each of us.

Lord right now I just pray for that forever Child that you have for us, that you be with them if they are already born and to bless them and that you be with us and help us with our treatments when we start them. I pray for the child's parents. Lord I pray that you be with me and keep me strong on the days that are tough. Its tough to fight this battle. Its tough to know that their is a child out there that no one is holding tight tonight and for me who desperately wants a child and how hard it is. And there is that parent who has the one night stand and gets knocked up, and goes through drugs for 9 months and that poor child is placed in a foster home and is in need of lots of help for its addiction.

God please help me to understand the hurt/pain/sadness that I am feeling today that I can not conceive a child naturally. God its all I ever wanted to be is a mother and I just ask for your help in this.

Lord I lay this all down to you!

In your name we pray Amen!

Confused/Lost

2009-01-06T21:04:00.000-08:00

Well I am feeling so blah lately. I don't know what to do, I feel so down.

I have decided I want to have a baby more then anything, my cousin's are both expecting one in July and one in September. Its very exciting but also very disappointing to me that they are going to have a baby and for us who have been trying for going on 3 years nothing... It sucks!

Its really tough

Evan and I just moved into our own place, I am super excited about that. Its so nice to have our own place. But now I have a spare bedroom with nothing in it, well boxes right now.

I feel so empty, lost, desperate, I feel a great pain deep down into my heart. I am angry, annoyed, frustrated.

I am morbidly Obese and I need to beat myself before I lose. I need to go on a diet and work out and stuff eating crap. I need to give up pop.

I need to fight to have a baby, I need to seek help. I want to have the next Positive and baby. I need it for peace in me. I need it to bring me together and to keep the fight.

Rant about life

2008-12-14T22:31:00.000-08:00

Well have you ever just felt like crap and that people are attacking you.

The other day I got a lecture from the pastor and I took it personal and I am pretty mad about it. The church has nothing to offer us.

Well today was the end and I feel very depressed now and feel very hateful to my own father it sucks. This morning my dad was on the phone with my brother and was bitching about me to my brother, what my dad didn't know was that Ev and I were home and I heard the whole conversation! I am done with my father and do not wish to speak to him again. We have always butted heads and its true he has always liked my brother more then he has to me. So maybe next time he is frustrated with my brother and goes off on me about how my brother takes advantage of my mom I will record it and play it for my brother. So I can not wait to get my own place, a place I can go to and be by myself and not have to look at my father every night and watch his stupid rerun shows over and over. So the thing is Evan and I bought my dad a Wii game to play on our Wii but I think I will just unwrap it and give it to Evan because I really don't think my dad will be over to my house as it was obvious he hates my cats and he hates having us here. My mom on the other hands just tells him to suck it up.

Another thing with my brother is he does expect so much from people and he wants it now. Like today he wanted my fireplace that I gave him and then he calls me and says what are you doing, I said playing a game. He said well bring me the fire place, I said no he got all pissed off with me and was like fine whatever. So then he calls back later and says I am coming to get it, thats nice. Ugh and he calls all his days off for someone to babysit his daughter as they have to go out. I love my niece but I think I would like to take her places if she was my daughter. And they don't like invite you over to do anything else so when larkin see's you she knows mommy and daddy are leaving.

Why did I move home its just stupid and really stressful and I do sometimes regret it. Tomorrow our house is sold and we are moving out as soon as our apartment is ready lets hope soon because I don't want to intrude on my father anymore like we intrude he sits on his ass and does nothing all day long.

Well thats that!

Life

2008-12-13T22:49:00.000-08:00

So what has been happening in my world you ask:

Well first off I have been asked to do 2 different jobs, I might do one of them but not sure of the other. As I am bored I like having my freedom.

Our house will be sold on Monday I am really looking forward to not having to pay a mortgage right now. Evan and I are going to rent an apartment and live that way for a bit.

Well with the world right now and the recession in Canada our town was hit very hard this week, there are mines that make up the two towns here and well this week we had to lay off all the casual's so over 300 people they might start laying off others who haven't been there for 3 months. I am thankful that we are safe, I say we are safe because they are so short staff as it is. Evan is actually going to be going to a new mine in the new year to run it by himself! He is happy but its a good 40 min drive away that stinks! So he is lucky to have the job he has!

We are enjoying being home, I had a hard time at first because of no shopping or anything but its getting better now that we are home for a bit. The only big problem is church, well we don't know what church to go to. The church I grew up in is a small church and has nothing to offer us. So we are church hoping around and enjoying one of the churches. Anyways the down fall is our pastors at the church I grew up in are upset we aren't going there and to be honest she came to me and told me this and I was mad that she is saying that having us might bring younger couples in I doubt it I am not there to recruit people for the church. Anyways so thats that!

Well thats life for now!

SOLD!

2008-11-30T21:44:00.000-08:00

Well the house has sold!

I am so happy and greatful for this!

I love my parents very much but I need my own place, my own living room that when my husband goes to bed early I can stay up and watch TV. My own place!! Ahh its crazy. I was super excited to move in now I need to move out.

I am really having a hard time living back here.. Today Evan and I had a massive fight and I am sick of it like every weekend we fight blah. We had a great day yesterday and fought today.

Went christmas shopping yesterday it was fun! Spent way to much money but thats okay thats what Christmas is for right. Also I sold my house lol....

Well thats all for now

rant

2008-11-16T15:24:00.000-08:00

Having a rough time

Well so as my mom has always said the grass isn't greener on the other side, well she is right. I am having a really rough time with this move. Maybe because I am living with my parents in their small 2 bedroom apartment and well my dad and I fight like cats and dogs... I say something and he bites my flippen head off. Also him and my mom bicker then he has the nerve to tell me and I tell him I don't want to hear it, I am minding my own business so then if I joke with my mom he gets mad and I tell him to shut it its none of his business.

We need our house to sell and we need our own place. Evan and I have been fighting also I am so sick of his flippen attitude towards me when people are around its makes me so mad. He treats me like a pile of crap and I will not take it anymore and I let him have it today in the van and I said I will not take anymore of it from him.

So I have met some of my bestfriends friends and had the chance to get to hang out with them. Today I went for lunch with my bestfriend and now I am getting crap for it and my dad just opened his Fing mouth again.

I joined aqua fit and am enjoying it, I just don't want to go alone on Tuesdays so I need to figure out what to do, I might also join the gym this week.

Evan and I need to sell the house and move into our own apartment won't happen till the new year but I hope the house sells soon its such a burden and I am so frustrated with it and am having a rough time with it all.

I have to get my cars saftyed good luck on that trying to find someone who isn't going to charge me an arm and a leg for it.

Well I went from one depression to another, a depression of having the job I had, to a depression of having to live with my parents and in a small ass town with nothing in it. Ugh its so frustrating!

Yes I know i always wanted to move home but really I didnt want to move home home just to Calgary which is 3 hours from my family.

Oh yeah on top of it all my niece hates me and cries and hates me oh yeah did I mention Cry!

Getting Emotional

2008-10-14T05:17:00.000-07:00

Well its coming to an end, crazy how life takes us.
Even though I am excited to be moving close to my family, I am very sad to be leaving my life behind here in London. There are many things I am going miss, I really wish Elkford was like a 5 hour drive away from London and I would never move.

Have you ever thought I would be a person to have second thoughts and cold feet lol, come on I am moving home, moving close to my family, close to my friends. But I am moving far away from what my life has been.

Things I will miss about London:
Hot Air Balloons- Won't see those in Elkford, I get excited when I see one in the London and they fly over my house twice a day usaully!

Walmart- Damn rights closest walmart 1 hour and half away like seriously people, its only a 4 minute drive at that! And its a Super Walmart!

Tim Hortons- Closest one is 45 minutes away, not like I can drink an ice cap everyday now.

Shopping/Malls- Well here I can go to the mall and of course I am moving Bath and Body opened its doors.

Restraunts- Wonder Sushi, Thaun Kieu and all the other good places we have gone.

Friends- Our church friends, and ex co-workers

Our house- yes I will miss it, its the first house we ever bought and now its going up for sale today.

Being close to things- 2 hour drive to Toronto, 1 hour to the states, 9 hours to NYC.. 6 hours to Chicago where I never got to go.

Our church- Its massive and we have spent 5 years there, we are both active in the church.

Doctors- A good family doctor and a good specialist

I am going to Miss London and am getting very sad.

But I do get...

My family- my mom,dad,brother, sister in law and Niece, my 2 best friends even though one will live 6 hours away.

The mountains- The view, to go skiing, the wildlife

No Job- thats right I get to be unemployed meaning I get me time, time for me to focus on my weight issue and work my ass off every day at the gym, swimming, walknig with friends

Camp- My parents have a place on Moyie Lake, I get to spend every weekend there and all summer if I want there. Relaxing mountain fresh air

Yes I know there are a lot of better things in london but not physical wise.

Evan leaves in 4 more sleeps, wow its so real he has 4 more work days with TD then he is done.

YAhoooo

2008-10-06T06:38:00.000-07:00

YAHOOOOOOOO MOVING HOME!!!

So I haven't posted but Evan got the job we are moving home, I am hoping November 1st will see with the moving company!

So I have a very busy 4 weeks left! Evan leaves on the 18th and my dad is coming here on the 18th!

untill then I am sure I won't be posting much. Thanks to all who read my complaints the last 3 months LOL

Rainy Picnic

2008-10-02T03:57:00.001-07:00

Today the day the Teddy bears have their picnic!

Well today we are suppose to hear about the job officially.. So we will hear either good or bad. I am no prepared to hear bad.... And its pouring rain today and is cold... ugh what is the day going to bring..

So if you could pray for us today and that the guy calls early on so I don't go mental, oh to late already gone eh lol.

So I will post later....

Oh man butterflies are flying all around my stomach...

What to feel?

2008-09-30T04:24:00.000-07:00

So Yesterday the guy called Evan to say that the drug test still wasn't back ugh are you kidding he did it on September 11th. I think they have it, it just didn't get to him yet.

Anyways last night I was talking to my mom's good friend K on facebook and she told me gossip, here is the gossip she told me. My mom is a curler and curl's with her good friend K and she also curls with a lady named M. Well K knows that Evan has applied for this job and my mom told her not to tell anyone. Well K was talking to M at the mall and M told K that she heard we are moving home. K asked how she heard that and M said a lady (T) that works with Evan's (new) boss told M. T told M that Evan has the job. WHY WON'T THE COMPANY TELL US????

Anyways I think its funny and my mom is right pissed off from this... She is so mad that gossip is going around and that its driving us mental but everyone in my flippen town knows. I am from a small town about 3,000 people.

So here is to another day of not knowing the truth!

A new week

2008-09-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

A new week
Today I move on to a new week and wish it but nothing the best. The week was a week from hell and I hope this one is dreams come true.

For the past 5 years living in London I always wanted to move home or to Calgary, after year one I came to the fact I was ment to stay in London for a bit, then year two came and three and four now were on year 5 and I know I am not ment to be here any longer. Have you ever lived a life you didn't want to? But you do it anyways. That was me being fake and saying yes I do like London. But I do like it, it offers a lot its close to the states and its close to Gag Toronto... Oh yeah if we don't get this job then in 2 years we shall probably be living in Toronto gag me now! I hate Toronto, I never want to raise my family there or near there. I like being 2 hours away. Only go there if I have to.

I know people who try 5 years for a baby and they finally get pregnant after 5 years thats so tough. But its like me 5 years of really wanting something and it might work and it might not. I will be truly devestated if he doesn't.

I guess I am pretty good with patients, I have live in London 5 years and all I have always wanted is to move back home or close to home. And now that we are trying to have a baby for the past two years I can be patient, I know in God's time, it will happen. Just like this job.. I do feel this is GOd's time and I am not sure why its taking so long maybe for me to learn about Patients, Patients with the job and patients with the children I watch who know how to test me to no other level....

I know this is a ramble to some but to me its to get out my feelings and well the only thing I am feeling right now is anxiety with not knowing the details, anxiety in waiting, anxiety in moving on with life. (I have so much I need to do, like passports, book christmas off if we arent moving home) Oh man!!

Last night I hardly slept at all probably from anxiety of waiting for the phone to ring this week, praying its today so I can sleep the rest of the week. I was still awake at 1am ugh then I fell asleep till like 4 and then was awake almost on and off the whole 2 hours later....

I have asked God to just show us if we got the job, and well I was telling my bestfriends sister the other day about it all and she said "Denise don't worry he has the job" So is this God telling me to stop worrying that we have the job and nothing to panic about.

Well I will stop here as really its all the words I need to get out.

Rambles!

2008-09-28T15:57:00.001-07:00

Do you have an addiction?
My addiction is the computer and going onto facebook and a Forum (trying to conceive message board) I just love reading peoples stories. Lately my addiction is Blogs, yes I admit I will read total strangers blogs and I get a kick out of it. I have one I read its about quads and I found one of there friends blogs and they like like 15 blogs of Quads thats fun to read most of the quads are 3 girls to 1 boy crazy! I have always dreamed of having Quads (think its a sign)

Talking about Signs I have been apart of a message board for like almost 3 years Trying To Conceive, Evan and I weren't even off the pill but I was at the board and I loved it, I have stayed around new people come and old people leave but you feel so close to them. I never knew I would have a difficult time trying to conceive, I am from a small town where this stuff doesn't really happen. Well I am glad I have found this board.

Well this is the week... Evan called friday and the guy said he would let him know early this week... OMG!! Please prayer for us! Prayer that he gets the job and that we can move back to BC in the Mountains! Its what we both need and want!

Well I hope to update with great news. Everyone says we have it and not to worry but I still do and am feeling very emotional about it, if he doesn't get it not sure how I will react. I already feel very depressed over this and not sure how I will be if we don't get it.

Evan and I were cleaning out the basement today and holy crap do I ever have alot of crap!! I only have 5 rubbermaid boxes and 1 christmas tree and 1 fire place I would take with me back home the rest could go!

Week of hell

2008-09-26T06:41:00.000-07:00

Have you ever just had a week that you wish you could either start over or just burn it.. I guess I wouldn't want to start over because that just means it will be worse.

Today is Friday thank god!

A lot of its from stress I will admit the whole waiting game, being asked 50 times a day if we have heard. I think today Evan will call and ask what the status is and when they expect to tell him if he got it or not. The waiting game is the hardest.

I have 3 little boys who I watch who I love to pieces, they are all so different and I have one who is so attached and don't get me wrong I love him but he knows how to push the button and drive me completely insane but I still love him.

Yesterday I had a melt down with one screaming all day long and I cried for 20 minutes and was just praying that God help me through it. Today so far is a better day.

My mom sent me this message today on msn
:) this smile is for you today. I am praying you have a good day

Dirty Diapers

2008-09-24T06:04:00.001-07:00

So have I ever told you that I can't smell, due to so many sinus infection I can't smell. The last two weeks have been the best every that I can't smell, why because 3 of my 6 children have a virus and it lasts 10-15 days and its smelly gross loose bowel movements. Yesterday I changed 12 poopy bums, 12 man like 3 kids in diapers in say 9 hours 12 sick gross diapers..... That is not even 1 every hour oh no of course not! Today I have had one already lets hope I don't have to change 12! Thats all I feel like I am doing lately is changing stink gross bums and applying cream as there is a nasty but rash with this virus. Maybe because you have like 5 poopy diapers a day and its just nasty.

On to other things, I am trying to move on today and have a better positive outlook on life. Tonight our friends are coming over and are going to help Evan with the last bit of flooring, then we can move out all the junk from the one room and put it in the big room and do the little room and then buy the baseboard and then we are DONE... It looks okay, its not a professional job but its okay! So I am hoping by sunday we can have the whole basement done and move on with the rest of the house... wait who am I kidding we still have to paint the room too oh darn forgot about that... Well if he gets it done tonight tomorrow we can move everything out and then friday start painting... then saturday paint and then sunday lay floor aaaaaaaahhhhh now were talking.

ughhhhhhhhhh

2008-09-23T04:41:00.001-07:00

I am done, I am losing hope..

I just want to say forget it, even though I know it could take longer but this last month has consumed so much of me and my sanity I am so done with it.

Yesterday he called to ask the secretary if she received the faxes and we had emailed her last Friday and still nothing.. Like seriously! I am done

If he doesnt get it I will be seriously upset and if he does then I will be jumping for Joy!

I know we shouldn't have told so many people what if he doesn't get it.

Please Lord have Mercy on us and make them call us with good or bad news so we can move on in life.

JUST CALL ALREADY!

2008-09-18T05:53:00.000-07:00

Today I sit here stressed beyond stressed... I just need that phone call or the email to say you have been hired.

I know I need to have more patients but I must say I have had tons of patiences. This has been going on now for a MONTH a whole flippen MONTH he had the 1st interview a month ago and the second one like 2 weeks ago, like come on people!

I have told all my families that it is a possibility that we will be moving and well some have started to look for care :( I am devestated I know and a whimp. I was worried that if he didn't get the job would they leave but we only have one to worry about and thats my two as they have found someone and have to let them know on Monday. SO PLEASE CALL BEFORE MONDAY!!

I am so stressed that I had a sinus infection and got over it for a day or two and now my throat is killing me.. ugh I do believe I have strep throat. Oh man and I haven't really eaten much in like 4 weeks and everything I eat goes through me.... TMI I know but seriously come on how much more can my body take. Evan and I are stressed with each other and bickering because of the stress. I need to know the answer, I need it in writing.

There is a big part of me in the back of my mind saying what if they don't want him now? What if What what what???? Oh man please just call to ease my mind over this!

He summited the medical form last night and the drug test takes 10 days but I am praying its done today. and they let us know tomorrow...

Please God let us know the answer! To our prayers...

99% sure

2008-09-14T07:58:00.001-07:00

Well I am 99% sure he has the job, last week he had to do a chest x-ray, blood test, full physical and a drug test. The drug test takes 10 days to be completed so we are waiting so probably wont get the official you are hired till next Friday or the following Monday, it needs to go faster. I am okay though I am at peace with waiting... I don't think I will be at peace if they tell him no.

I have told some of my parents at the daycare, they are upset. I don't blame them but still I feel bad for it. But I am also thinking what is best for Evan an I.

Well Ike has hit Texas and I think Ike will be coming to hit us soon, we are calling for like 5 inches of rain. Its crazy man how much rain. The wind is picking up.

Tomorrow Evan's cousin Lindsay is going in for surgery, she is getting a metal rod placed in her back, her spine is awful. This is her moms blog, http://inspirationcreation.blogspot.com/

So please pray for Lindsay
Also for us that we hear soon and get the ball rolling

What a day!

2008-09-09T05:38:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday was the day! Evan said it went awesome and he feels the guy would have hired him on the spot. Which I hope is a good sign, he had to get one more work reference so we had to track people down as of right now he can not use his current job as they are a bank and can not share information dumb I know! But whatever! So they said they will be in touch this week. It was kinda a dumb interview as they asked him the same questions as they did on the phone that day. So it was to see what he looked like and who he was.

I slept alone all by myself at first I was scared to do this as I hate sleeping alone, my friend was going to come sleep over but she was out with her boyfriend so I said forget it as I was tired and wanted to go to bed. I had Nevin so we cuddled and he went to sleep and I played on my computer for 2 hours. Went to bed at 10 and at 1:30 there was a massive storm and it woke Nevin and I both up boooooooo, it took a bit to fall back to sleep but we finally did. then the phone rang at 6:30 it was my darling husband saying he was home I had to go unlock the chain on the door.

Please continue to pray for the job, we feel that we are going home so does a lot of other people.

On bended Knee I come!

2008-09-07T15:58:00.000-07:00

I believe in God, and I pray daily and well right now I know I just need to leave it at the throne of Jesus.

On bended knee I come
With a humble heart I come
Bowing down before Your holy throne
Lifting holy hands to You
As I pledge my love anew
I worship You in spirit
I worship You in truth
Make my life a holy praise unto You

God I pray so much for this Job Lord Jesus, you know where I stand in life and you know my needs God and God this is a big need I need for this job so I can spend time with my family in our rough times through fertility and also through weight loss Lord, I need a coach and I know my mom will be kicking me the whole way Lord God. God Evan and I have been waiting for this job for 5 years Lord. I ask that you give him the words to say and that you just bless his heart tomorrow during the interview and be with him tonight that he gets a restful sleep and God be with him on the plane and keep him safe while he is flying to calgary and while he is in calgary and while he flies back home Lord Jesus.

I ask all this Lord in your name

Amen

Dude what to do?

2008-09-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

Oh man have you ever felt your heart beating so fast and your head spinning from what needs to be done and what you need to do..

Evan flies to calgary on Monday for an interview its crazy!! They paid for him to fly out to meet him, I do believe we are moving to BC.... But there is still chance they won't like him, there is still chance for him to screw up, there is still chance they offer him a low ball... So here is to the future and hoping for the best!

If we do move, we will have to sale sale sale! Garage sale, house sale.....

So I feel like a jerk, Rachel who I watch her kids is a good friend and well I have wanted to tell her the whole time but can't put myself at that risk that he doesnt get the job and I lose my job as they would probaby freak and go find someone else to care for the kids... So what to do... I feel awful come on Rachel and I are good friends and today I was talking with her and I have dropped many hints and she always says do you have something you need to tell me and I said nope. Oh man what a jerk am I...

Also.... do you think I am crazy I have 3 boys under 20 months old oh my gosh tell me how crazy I am.. today has been so crazy with all and of course little N who naps when he feels like it and not when I want him to GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... So the other two just woke up and N went to sleep... what about my quiet time come on people!!

Well thats all the time today!

What have I missed??

2008-08-31T04:51:00.000-07:00

So today my bestfriend Cindy left to go to see her aunt, Cindy and her husband Trevor flew in on Thursday night at 8pm, we did dinner and stuff and talked to midnight. Well then Friday and Saturday she was gone all day. Friday we were suppose to spend the night together but her friend was getting married and so she spent the whole night out with the girls which is fine. But I really am sad and jealous that her aunt now has her for like 3 whole days, no wedding nothing to deal with just cindy and trevor time, I wish cindy would have stayed today with me and took a late train tonight to her aunts.

Anyways this brings me to what I have missed in 5 years of living in Ontario.
I have two bestfriends and these guys will always be my bestfriends, we might not talk every day or week at that matter but when we do talk its like we havent missed a day. Nana and Cindy are my two best friends in life.

Nana- I have missed her being pregnant, I have missed 5 years of her being a mom and watching her children grow up. This is the hardest thing for me is that I maybe see the kids once a year. Its not okay and I feel robbed from being there for my best friend in the bad times and good times. I was honoured to be Nana's maid of honour, Nana was mine to. I wish I could live at home close to her so we could hang out all the time and I would be there for her to watch her children grow.

Cindy- Well Cindy and I became friends later on like in grade 10 but since then there has been no looking back. Cindy has completed bible school and is planning on living in africa to be a missionary in West Africa Guinea. So this meaning that her and her husband will probably be moving in 3 years to Africa. Man then I wont see her unless I go to Africa. ahhhhh I need to move home so I can spend as much time with her before she leaves. Cindy was in my wedding party, I was suppose to be Cindy's maid of honour but things came up and I could not attend the wedding I still feel awful about thing but do know Cindy forgave me.

Then there is my family, I never got to see my sister in law pregnant, nor was I there in the Good/Bad and Ugly times when Larkin was born and was rushed to the NICU in Calgary for unknown seizures. Nor have I been there to watch her crawl or say her first word or take her first steps. Nor will i be there for her 1st birthday which is in 12 days. I have missed watching my brother be a father which I never ever thought and he loves that little girl like you would never understand.

Yes Ontario has been home to us and I do not hate it but I would much rather live where my family is, for 5 years my mom and I have talked on the phone almost every single day there are some weekends we might not have talked if we were out of town but for the most part we spent hours and hours on the phone.

In London we got to meet alot of close friends, Troy who moved to Thunder Bay, Gian and Ryan who have now gone back to Singapore, I have a friend Christine who is now head over heels for a guy so I hardly see her. Then I have my work friends who I see every once and awhile. But No one is as close as Cindy and Nana to me.

We have also got to know most of Evan's family and gone to happy and sad times but tnhey live two hours away and we are lucky to even see them maybe every 4 months. We might talk to his parents maybe once a week sometimes it seems like every other week.

We have travelled to New York and spent time in ottawa and Toronto. I have seen Niagara falls more times then I hope to see it in the future. We have gone and learn about the states and shopping and what great stores they have!! TARGET!! We have driven a 17 hour trip to Thunder Bay to visit family. But when I look at it we haven't been places around London like godrich/st.jacobs market/bayfield, we really havent gone places and explored.

I really hate the waiting game but know I need to learn to deal with patience that I dont have but I wish we had the answer to if we can start packing and get going on so we don't miss much more of what is truely important to me.

Yes I will miss evan's family and our friends but we need a new chapter in our life.

Soo....

2008-08-27T15:50:00.000-07:00

So I have posted but Evan had an interview and they told him he would be having a second one soon. But how soon? when will we hear from the secertary to schedual it?? Oh man its been a week now. I am praying he didnt ask to much but they could just say no to him for the amount. Oh its so tough being me.

This week we are both sick with the flu and so Evan stayed home mon and tuesday and today I was sick but he went to work but came home early for me. But now I have a 102 fever and my body is aching so bad. One of my children is sick with the flu to awww I feel so bad for everyone.

This past weekend we went camping with our friends we had a great time and well I didnt think about the job much but decided I might want to sell epicure its yummy dips and stuff and just for the discount but I am still waiting on everything!!!

So it took a month and half to hear about the first interview how long will it take to hear for the second interview? Should he call her and see when they are schedualing the interviews? OH MAN!! I m praying we really need this job! I need sanity and closeness back in my life.

Holidays!

2008-08-18T10:50:00.000-07:00

Well I went on a holiday for a whole week it was awesome! I had a great rest/visit with my family.

Evan and I left Friday August 8th at 4:30pm and arrived in Thunder Bay at 8:30am 17 hours of driving! I went to the farm to see my aunt and uncle then over to my other aunts where we stayed all week.

We spent all week on the lake with my aunt and uncle, grandma and my parents. It was nice a relaxing, went into the lake twice it was cold brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

We got to spend time with Evan's bestfriend and we met his fiance.

The best part out of my trip was spending the whole week with my parents, I love them so much and I was so sad to see them go, my mom and I cried and that got my aunt crying. Ya wuss bag family LOL

Now I am back to work hi ho hi ho its off to work we go...

Happy Birthday!

2008-08-02T10:09:00.001-07:00

Happy birthday to me Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to mmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeee Happy birthday to meeeeeeee.

Today I am 24 years old, 1 more year till I am a quarter of a centry old. Its crazy how time flies! 5 years ago today i was buying my marriage certificate.

Today we are going to Red lobster for dinner and chilling out. i also have to go get the new sticker for the van licence plate, damn money makers $74 is crap! Its your birthday pay the government $75, do not advance Go. I feel like I am playing monopoly. I have to work tonight I have Nevin but I think Evan will do all the work for me today ;) He can feed him at dinner and he can change him and put him to bed.

Its the long weekend here so meaning I only have to work 4 days next week and then I am off for a whole week!! thats right A WHOLE week!! 9 days off!! sweet mother of god!! I am so excited!! We leave on friday night to drive 14 hours to visit my family I am so excited to see my aunts and uncles and grandma and best part is my mom and dad are driving 20 hours to see me! its great!! I plan on swimming and relaxing! My aunt wants to go to a casino in the states if we do that Evan and I will leave from there on the friday and spend the night in Chicago! Oh were gonig to chicago were going to the fair to see the senoritas with flowers in their hair oh shake baby shake it shake it all you can shake it like a milkshake!! Okay enough of the song lol... But I dont think it will happen! But who knows!

For my birthday I have a migrain headache!!! greattttttttt... I was woken up at 7:19 from my little girl calling to sing happy birthday to me.. then my mom called at 11:00 and woke me up again hahaha. We had a nasty storm last night with tornado warnnigs I hate living in Southern ontario!!

Anyways Happy birthday to me!

Heart breaking

2008-07-29T12:42:00.001-07:00

Where do I stand.

So much going on in my head and I just wish for it not to be this way.
first of all it is so not fair and yeah I am whinning and feeling sorry for myself but really its not fair, a girl I know had sex once with her ex and guess what she is having a baby thats right SEX ONCE with her EX...

This whole job situation why did Evan not hear ANYTHING at all he had all the right qualifications for it and its the job we both dream about. WHY WHY WHY? Why can a friend go and get the best job and have children and what we desire we dont get. I dont get it at all and its heart breaking. I desire to be with my family and I desire to have a child. Or just to have one of those but NO life truely stinks!

So my ex friend and I are well ex friends.. the drama ugh I hate drama and I hate this.

To be honest there is nothing left for me in London, evan has a good job with TD and I have a job I like most days well like 2 days out of the week.

Why are people so skinny and I try so hard and will not lose weight seriously why does one person get picked on all the time.

I am obese, no family close by, and not able to have children naturally. Great!! Life is fanastic! NOT!!!

I just dont get it I want to scream, I feel so down that there really isnt much to look forward to in life. Except for a long ride for fertility treatment, possiblity long waiting lists for adoption. Long trips to go home at Christmas to see the family we desire to be with all the time. Long journey for losing weight. Long time paying off debt because we have to make long trips to see my family so that puts more debt on. FANTASTIC!!

Oh and now we start a new journey and that would be going to our family doctor and getting a new referal to go see a new Doctor. So now the journey for new ultrasounds, new sperm counts, new medicines.........

Can you see what I have to look forward to??

Well what I am looking forward to is this weekend I turn 24 and then a week after that Evan and I are vaction for a week and traveling for 14 hours to see my family for a week. In that week we will spend time with my mom,dad,grandma, aunts and uncles, and friends. We will also celebrate 5 years of being married! We dont have offical plans but I think we will stop in the states on the way home and spend the night and go visit the largest christmas store and eat some yummy german chicken and salads.

I wish I had more positive posts but they never are.

What puts you on fire?

2008-07-27T08:40:00.000-07:00

What puts you on fire?

Well I attend the biggest church in my city with 4 services and like 3000 or 4000 people. What puts me on fire for God is when I attend the Saturday night service and the first 8 rows in the middle are filled with men, not just any men but men who are struggling with addictions and want to save their lives from the addiction and so they have went to a help house called Teen Challenge. These young men have so much energy and love for one another and they have the love for Jesus Christ. These boys know how to Worship and when a song touches one of them they all hug each other and if one goes to pray in the front then at least 5 people go and pray over them. This puts me on fire for God that I can see how great the love of God is.

Worship music is my healer I love listening and worshiping to praise and worship music. I would prefer to just sing and get the message out that way its easier for me to focus and that's when i feel i can be on fire for God.

I'M MAD!

2008-07-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

I'M MAD- Heather Bishop

So as I sit and watch the children play together I sit and watch my cat climb the art easel and the little one sleeps on my lap. I sit and think about last night.

Last night my good friend told me that an old friend was talking crap about me at work again seriously I am done, so I sent her an email saying I was done being friends with her and that this was it. How can one talk crap about you all the time like does she have nothing better to do. She said to my friend how Evan wont get the job and if he does then he wont take it as he wont leave his family which is all a load of crock... Seriously I am done!

I want this job more then anything and yeah maybe he wont get it this time but next time.

I NEED OUT!!! I need to start fresh, God please let us move and start fresh God. Please let us go! God I am not running from problems I just need a fresh start.

Anyways as I was writing this a song called I'M MAD came on its a kids song but I had to laugh because that was me I AM MAD MAD MAD MAD!

2008-07-23T06:15:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a day when you didnt want to get out of bed?
Thats me today, I am feeling like crud and just want to lay in bed all day but cant do that as I have 4 kids.

Well I was feeling all this and then on popped my friends name who passed away last month and I thought oh how I miss her and how she was so young when she died and well that I am feeling blah but she is dead. So I am going to try to get lots done today so I can go to bed tonight when Evan gets home lol... Well after Nevin leaves these days kill me I work 14 hours.

Still have not heard from the job :(

Also our friends are all coming over on Saturday to help Evan with the basement I am so excited that I dont have to do it, and hopefully they will get it all done so we can prime and paint it before our holidays and when we come home we can put flooring down there and then I can move all the toys and stuff down there for september for a fresh start!

had a weekend off

2008-07-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

well I had a weekend off and it was great well okay great would be to much it was good, good also is pushing it! On Friday I had a day from hell when my children would not listen and we were at a friends and my little girl was so awful we came home. I was so fed up with the day and was happy to see Evan. I had some back pain and thought OMG am I ovulating I was so excited then we went to walmart and I went pee and thats when all hell broke lose I had another Fing Bladder infection. so I called the after hour clinic and was seen at 8:00 and got antibiotics.

Saturday was fun we went To Port Dover to see Evans aunt it was her 40th birthday.

Sunday i was sicker then a dog but I wanted so badly to go see Mamma Mia so we went it was a great movie. I was having bad pain last night and though great its turned into a kidney infection, still have lots of pain but not tons.

Today well AF is here I am day 52 and she has finally arrived! thank god!

So besides being in pain from my UTI now I have my period to great!

ups downs all arounds

2008-07-14T06:48:00.000-07:00

So I have given up on even thinking about the job anymore it took awhole week out of me and drained me I didnt sleep right and well I was starting to get sick from stress so I am now letting it all go. My friend said when she worked in HR hiring people sometimes it took 1-2 months to get a call.

In 20 more sleeps I turn 24 and in 26 more sleeps I get to see my mommy, daddy and all my family I can't wait! I wish I was seeing my niece and stuff but that will come.

Its suppose to be 40 degrees this week

Ugh I need to go buy a new router this one is killing me

A sign???

2008-07-10T05:17:00.000-07:00

Just a sign one sign God

So I have been praying that God will just show me a sign about this job and that we either get the call soon or we don't but I can't wait that long if they don't want him they won't even to call ahhhhhhh the craziness.

So last night I was at baseball and a girl from our old small group like 3 years ago was playing and asked if I was hot of course I was it was like 35 and there I was in capris and a long sleeved shirt, I have to wear long sleeved clothes and pants most of the time due to being allergic to the sun *what who is allergic to the sun and heat* ME... I have never ever had this before I moved to Ontario like 5 years ago and every summer it gets worst, the first year it was just on my hands hives everywhere, then the last few its been up my arms and on my shoulders and stuff big blisters that pop and scar me. Well this year I believe in May I had hives all over my feet,ankles.. Well my friends the hives are from my big toes to my knees and they hurt like a b*tch i can't handle it my legs are red and raw, I have them up my arms too. So anyways she said to me I guess you better move back to BC, I guess its a Sign that you move. WHAT DID SHE SAY?? A SIGN... Yes she said I guess if your looking for a sign then here it is. This girl has NO clue that we applied for BC never told her.. Is God showing me that this is a SIGN. Oh man hopes Are so high...

Also I have yet to recieve AF its like day 41 today usually I am 35 days, I think its stress from this job and yesterday my throat was killing me... soo I guess thats it I need to have patiences and trust in God..

sigh

2008-07-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was the closing date and my stomach is turning and I wish he would get a call, wait he might not even get a call if they aren't interested right ahhhhhh what to do what to do. My brothers good friend gave the guy hiring for this job Evan's resume and put in a good word for him.

So I sit here and wonder and daydream about how much I really want this and how I will feel when he doesn't get it, my stomach had butterflies when the phone rings and when I look in his email and see new emails and then its nothing. I know it just closed yesterday it could be a week before we hear anything ugh..

Don't get me wrong I do like it here and do like my job but really the more I think about it this is not a job I can do forever its a stressful job and make me angry when the 4 year old back mouths me or is rude. If i was to get pregnant I would probably have high blood pressure and have to go on bedrest, know we cant do that with Evans pay now so what would we do, I guess not have a kid....

So I have not told my daycare parents evan applied for a job why worry them or get them upset I will help them find someone and stuff. We have yet to tell Evan's parents either as well that will be the end of the string they will cry and plead with us not to go because they will miss us as they see us a whole lot they never come here and neither does his brother and SIL so screw it why we have no family support in the long run around us. Ahhhhhhh the stress just builds up and that I know I need my mom and family.

Then there is my mom making plans with my SIL about gonig swimming everyday if I come, and I would go to the gym and work out. One can dream right, I dream about winning the lotto I can dream about being close to my family. I really hope this dream comes true.

My health for some reason since I have moved to Southern Ontario my body hate the weather in the summer and my skin breaks out in hives on my hands and arms, well this year it has been awful and I break out on my arms and legs and ankles oh god how itchy my ankles are and my right I can't scratch as I have nerve damage. See not only do I want to move home to be with family I want out of this nasty weather. As we speak its like 36 and SMOGGY...

I need a new start, a fresh start, a start where I know Evan will hang out with Men and not only me or with girls. I have friends I can hang out with. oh I am wishing apon the stars and praying so hard for this dream to come true.

Don't get your hopes up

2008-07-03T05:24:00.000-07:00

Well thats what I keep hearing from Evan, from my last post well stuff has happend its kinda funny actually a few days after I posted how much I missed home a Job came up in my home town for Evan WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING????!?!?!?!?! An IT at the Mine not requiring 5 years experince in IT is up seriosuly?!?!?!?!

So I am trying hard not to get my hopes up but the Resume was sent lastnight and the deadline is July 7th..

OMG this means packing,moving,selling a house ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Okay see getting way ahead of myself now.... But I told a friend the other day and this friend is on Matleave and said she would take all my kids if we did move :0 seriosuly!!! Is God giving me this choice... I dunno..

So I sit here and pray that Evan gets the job, I am ready to move home to be with my family and to work my butt off and lose weight then start a family together. If I have to adopt thats fine but I would have the family close to support us.

Don't get your hopes up, well my parents so want us to come home which is a first..

So if by any small chance Evan gets this job then we will....

Evan would go in 2 weeks and my dad would come live with me until we sold the house.

Have a big garage sale and sale everything... start off fresh in BC in a year or so

Move in with my parents for awhile to save a down payment for ahouse

See hopes are flying I want to go home... will I be dissapointed yes a little its like seeing a Big Fat negative on a pregnancy test... Evan has all the experince and stuff they want, but I am a girl to and I have ovaries and I still can't have a baby.... so I do understand this cycle.

If you woul likes to pray for us that Evan would get this job if God's will. My heart is leading home again which it hasn't for a very long time so I dunno where we stand!

I will keep everyone posted.

Random thoughts

2008-06-26T09:59:00.000-07:00

Have you ever found yourself trying to tell a totally different friend about something in your life and you think they should know all about it?

That is me, 5 years ago I got married to a wonderful man and well we had to move across Canada 40 hours away so I did leave alot of my life behind back home. I have a few true friends still and there is one that we are true but time change and everything we don't talk enough.. i finally got her to join facebook, anyways this friend and me have been friends for a long time and I still have her wedding present on my wall that says on it B.F.F are we?? Its a tough call why because when I was in the 12th Grade she lived with a dear friend who let her work for her and anyways brought in a male and my friend and this male started a relationship well this male was nothing but trouble stole, drugs...everything. She finally ended it thank god! I had a feeling to call her mom one night and she was there we talked hung out and then started to hang more and more but then I moved home 2 hours away.. then I moved 42 hours away from her.. I still consider her my good friend. I was talking to her yesterday and I was like yeah so you know Callista, I have her all summer. I had to stop and say wait she doesn't know Callista she doesn't know any of my *NEW* life.

It really makes me sad that I can't introduce my friends to my friends and that I live so far away.

In Highschool I had a best guy friend Matthew I liked him but my bestfriend (still my bestfriend to this day) loved him and dated him but screwed it up big time in grade 12 and well we haven't seen him since grad, he just had a baby girl I am happy for him but would love to see him and hear from him. I talked to him in 2004 that was the last time when I moved to Ontario.

Now for my two bestfriends well one has 3 kids and the other just got married, we have all stayed in contact not lots but we have, but I still feel like I have lost alot of my life not being close by them. My one bestfriend has had two babies I never got to see her pregnant never got to be there to see her give birth I am never around.

Then there is my brother well he is 6 years older then me and he live in nova Scotia for all his life until last may when my parents were talking about retiring and moving out here well he wrecked that and moved home and has a baby girl. I have seen her once and that was all.

IT SUCKS! I do like my life in Ontario I have met friends, close ones and ones that you think are your friends then stab you in the back. It sucks I had to give up my friends to get new ones but thats okay.

the number 1 thing that sucks I can't hop in my car and drive home it takes 40 hours.

I always get to the breaking point where I want to move home, but then I would start all over again.

We use to be close to Evan's family but I don't even find that anymore we hardly talk to any of them even his aunts who I use to talk to all the time not at all anymore. We went back to wainfleet this past weekend and the last time I saw all his aunts and Grandparents was last august, we saw his parents at Easter when all Hell broke lose but there isn't a connection anymore. I see them once a year and I lvie 2 hours away I might as well move to BC and I will see them once a year. hmmm oh the joys I dunno Evan looks for Jobs In Calgary at times. maybe one day we can more home!

Until that day here I am in Ontario making new friends and making a life I am sure I will have to leave one day.

RIP Marie

2008-06-12T10:11:00.000-07:00

Today our family friend passed away, Marie was my moms best buddy and was like an aunt to me. She has always been apart of our family and we spent many of times together. Its going to be very hard to go home from now on and know Marie is not there anymore. I always looked forward to seeing Marie, we always had the best parties at her house. Marie is going to be missed by so many people, she had a heart of Gold for everyone. Marie accepted christ into her life on Monday and the good Lord took her home today. Marie has been suffering from Cancer for the past 2 years and I am glad that the Lord finally came to take her as she was in so much pain these last few months.

Marie I hope you enjoy the time in Heaven with Patti, I will miss you Marie love always XOXOXOXOXOXO

Marie September 8th 1955- June 12th 2008
Forever in our hearts

Home Sickness

2008-05-29T05:31:00.000-07:00

So lately I have been feeling blue about home, I keep back the tears almost everyday I think about it.

I think alot of is it has to deal with what happend on Easter weekend and stuff with Evan's parents I know they say they were over it but you know his mom is not the same, maybe I said things I shouldn't but I was raised to speak up and not let people walk all over me, this is from my father not my mom she is the soft easy person. Anyways I just feel the differances between us now. And we lit the fire again saying we will not be attending Evan's cousin wedding and that was not okay.

So here is where I am missing my family, I am missing watching Larkin grow up, I am missing saying goodbye to our dear family friend who has been an aunt to me throughout my life, has always been in my life and she is on death bed. I do wish I could be in Alberta or BC and close to home.

I believe in 2 years we will try to get a job out there so we can be with my fmaily for awhile, crazy we have lived in Ontario for 4.5 years and I hated the first year so bad and I am starting to really want to go HOME!

someone posted on a board do I regret things in my past and oh man do I ever.. I regret not going back to school for another year and getting my EA and Human resource,I regret making Evan take this job with out exploring the city more, I didn't want to work right away and to that it made us move to London.

I don't regret living in London, I have made some great friends and well some friends I wish I could forget lol. I started my career and loved it hated the boss, still do! But London is only a stop before we must adventure out into the world. London is a beautiful city but its to far from the mountains and MY family. We have been here for almost 5 years so Evan's family had their share of us now time to go raise our family with my family. My family who doesn't hold grudges and do not suck in childish behavouir (Evan's brother)

Well Evan is taking his G licence as his G2 expires in January meaning when he calls me he better have good news and I will have good news with him to, I want to move home! Find a job in Calgary hunny we are moving home LOL!!!

Family and beyond

2008-05-25T17:14:00.001-07:00

I understand that family is important but sometimes it drives me nuts. I hate driving 2 hours to go to a shower wedding or baby, to me its a waste of a weekend that I have. Well now here is the thing weddings, I do like going to weddings but I also like having freedom and being able to make plans and not feel guilty if I don't go. Evan and I had a wedding in BC and well not many came from his family so really noone can hold it against us if we choose not to go to a wedding. Evan's cousin is getting married in August but its the same week as Evan's vaction and mine and also its the week my parents will be in Thunder Bay and its also Evan and mine 5th anniversary, not to complain but we now share the week with his brother and sister law who got married on the 11th of August and now his cousin who is getting married august 9th. But its our 5th year, we want to spend it together on a trip.

We are not just going away because its our anniversary but we are going because my aunt is impressed my grandma is still alive. So to me thats upsetting that she may pass away before we get there but I pray she makes it till after so we can see her one last time.

I am pretty sure people will be upset that we aren't going to the wedding but they can deal with it. I didn't go to my brothers and I didn't go to my bestfriends and I do not regret not going to either because I had other things to do. My brothers I was newly married and well I could have went but Evan was more important at that time hahaha and my bestfriend the timing was bad. Evan's cousin timing is bad once again week we have off.

Anyways so in August we are driving to Thunder Bay for a week! I am excited.

New York City!

2008-05-20T11:16:00.000-07:00

New York City

New york city is an amzing place! We had so much fun and well it would be a city I would probably live in, I would rather live in NYC then Toronto.
Our Trip
We got toCarlstadt/Newark NJ at 4am where we checked into our Econo Lodge Hotel not even a block away there was a bus stop. The hotel was okay it was $100 a night you get what you pay for, the floors were dirty and the bath tub was also dirty but we cleaned it out and put a towel down to shower. It was a good place to stay the beds felt nice and clean. We slept for 5 hours and got up and went on the bus to the city.
Well we didn’t really have a plan, we wanted to see broadway (grease) and we wanted to see central park, time square, ground zero and statue of liberty. We got off the bus at the bus terminal and walked downstairs to the front and the big New York times was right there. We then looked at eachother and said where do we go now! If going to NYC have a map and have a plan line out.
We started walking to broadway and we got to the Red lobster looked around saw time square down the block and decided we didn’t want to seat for a 2 hour show we wanted to get and explore NYC. There was a man dressed in a red jacket you will find 2 on every corner almost to harass you to buy a bus ticket with grey line to travel the city. For $50 a person we got to see all of NYC, its the best deal you could ever ask for!

So the first day we walked down to Time square ate at the hard rock cafe and then went on a tour of the city. We went downtown first, where we saw China Town its huge! Then we got off at ground zero its all construction right now a hole in the ground. After looking at ground zero and eating a pretzle we walked to battery park man its a loooooooooooooong walk and that is where we saw the famous satue of liberty. If you think she is really big and that you should be able to see her clear from NYC you are only kidding yourself and are in for a big dissapointment. We took pictures and then walked to catch the bus, noone wanted to get off the bus so we had to sit under (Its a double decker tour bus). On the way we saw an Indian restraunt and there are one set of stairs and at the top are 3 men and one at the bottom they are best of friends until a person comes, the man on the bottom is trying to get you to come to his restraunt and if you go up those stairs then its the 3 people at the top job to steal you for their restraunt. Right down the road from this was Coyote Ugly, I would love to have seen the inside bar.
We got back to Time square where we bought chocolate at the Hershey chocolate factory and went into the larget M&M store. We then went and ate at Bubba Gumps it was awesome and our server was so funny his name is Alex. We then walked around more and then headed back to NJ for a goodnight sleep.

2nd day we got up earlier and caught the 9am bus and got in to NYC in time to go do the Uptown tour to see Harlem and to see all central park from the outside. Its so beautiful up there. We then got off at central park on 5th where we looked at central park and then walked to 5th ave to see the apple store, its a big glass box with a glass elevator in it, you go underground. We then went to FAO Schwarz amazing toy store! And it has a piano that you can dance on like the movie Big, I had the pleasure of dancing on it. We then walked down to Trump Towers and Tiffany’s I want a ring so bad from there! We then kept on to the disney store and then we were looking for Nintendo world. By now its pouring buckets of rain we bought an umbrella off the guy on the street for $10, we continue to walk in a circle to find it, we were told it was by NBC studios and Rockafeller place, but as we were walking to this there was an accident not sure if the guy lost control of his car or he had a heart attack but went through the gardens at Rockefeller place and so the street was blocked by tons of police and fire.(Update- the lady was driving and went into labour it made her lose control of her car) We got to Nintendo world and Evan played Wii Fit, tomorrow we will go buy it. We then walked over to Build a bear its the worlds largest. We built our I love NY bear Yanks! We then walked back to Time square and ate at the olive garden and had some drinks. We also saw the worlds largest toys R us with a ferris wheel in the middle. After dinner we went to the night tour of NYC it was still light but the sun was going down, we went over the manhattan brige to Brooklyn did a tour there and came back. We then went and ate pizza it was alright crust was a bit to crisp and then we walked down to buy gifts. We got back to the bus station at 9:00 to head back to NJ.
That was our time in NYC....
If I was to go back I would either stay in NYC the last night or the whole time
I would write down everything I wanted to see and write down the address’s
Do not use a GPS it gets you lost in the city
I would eat at little restraunts
I would go to China town and over to see Little Italy
I would do a bus tour again
And the number one thing
NEVER DRIVE IN NYC!

I would recommend New York City to anyone!

used

2008-05-15T09:33:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt that you are being used???

I have 3 different friends and I am done with it.

1- I use to babysit, drive her to work and everything and hung out. Now that I quit she only calls me if she wants something, she never calls to see how its going its frustrating.

2- I offered to babysit my one friends baby and would work with her schedual so this would have been may but her controlling husband wanted to take her to a place where his youngest brother went 10 years ago. Well she called me yesterday as she feels her daughter is being neglected and is left in the high chair as the lady is upstairs and she is down stairs. So I offered to take her once again but now the issue is we drive to some place once a week to a special park or to a friends house for a play date. Her controlling husband is soooooooo against her driving with me so he said no, so they are taking her back to this ladies house. I am done don't ask again and your daughter can't live in a bubble all the time.

3- last friend who is a close friend and I understand but it makes me so mad when people do this... She is going to be 30 and we hang out lots well I set her up with a guy last fall and she basically threw me on the back burner and then it didn't work out so I was once again on the front burner well now she has been talking to this other guy and noooooooooooooooooooow back burner again. I am not going to play these games.

So for now I am stopping talking to all 3 unless they initiate it, I am truely done with it all. I feel like I am used way to much in life.

I don't truely care about having friends, yes its nice to go out but we have a small group with our church we meet weekly, Evan has baseball so we socialize that way. We work at the church so we talk that way also. And I do have the true friends that I hang out with. Yeah these 3 were ture friends once too. sigh!

So that is my life. Oh yeah I am having another hard case of home sickness I want to move to Calgary and be close to my family. I think its time we have been here 4.5 years its time for a change maybe in 2 years.

YAHOOO

2008-05-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

So I got a new lap top! Its a nice one I like it, Evan is great!

Next weekend we are going to New York City!! Yahoo I am so excited it will be great to get away!

Other then that nothing new!

Ugh Laptop!

2008-05-03T19:47:00.001-07:00

Watch out for the laptop!

So today I had put the laptop on the couch, Evan went and closed it and left it but had moved it more to the edge of the couch, well Howie came and jumped on the laptop scratched Evan to while I yelled grab and Evan yelled as Howie scratched him.. So my laptop landed on the side where the plug is great no big deal.......... BUT IT IS!! You know How the laptop is a male and has a penis and the plug is a girl and has a vagina well not anymore the laptop is also a women :( the plug is broken. So I am going to take it in tomorrow to see if they can fix it. I am so sad. But if not and if they charge me then I will buy a new one there is a sweet one on sale right now at Future shop.

Thank goodness for a desktop computer even though it sucks!

So that is what happend today

Life really sucks at times!

2008-05-01T07:21:00.000-07:00

So today is a bad day for my family my moms bestfriend is going to the paliet care in the hospital and won't be coming home unless God gives her a miricle and heals her body from all the cancer if not she will probably pass with in the next month. Its really upsetting to all of us and I really don't get to say goodbye as I live so far away its so tough.

But on goodnews my uncle had a quad by pass on monday, Evan and I are going to Hamilton at 4 today to visit him and go for dinner as its my cousins birthday. My uncle is doing well but hasn't bounced back he is doing slower then when my dad had his surgrey.

The last couple of weeks I feel so blah just I want to puke if I don't eat and I am so tired. And I have to work all weekend booooo...

Anyways thats all for now

Reality

2008-04-24T09:47:00.000-07:00

Well Reality sunk in, I am the problem. I got tests done a week ago to see if I ovulated and no such luck. I am pretty upset about this even though I am happy its me and not Evan but its killing me inside. Its pretty tough to deal with this. I know its simple and might be able to be fixed with clomid but what if it doesn't. What if I can't have children?? My bestfriend told me she would give me her eggs but still I want my own I want to Ovulate and have my own child and carry it and to see what an Evan and Denise baby would look like. Even though I am okay with adoption I still don't have that closure yet, I really do want to see what our baby would look like and thats what kills me.

So I need to get my butt in gear and lose weight and then come january start the clomid drug and just pray for no triplets or sextuplets oh man.

So if you wouldn't mind praying for us that we can conceive it would be great.

How can one be so selfish?

2008-04-23T04:54:00.001-07:00

How can a person be so slefish that they would take their life at 18 years old? How can a person counsel a person to take their life? That is sick! So Evan's cousins friend/gf was found in the river this past weekend. Its very sad but also better that they have closure.

Bringing me to my next thing about confidentiality with Doctors yes I know she was 18 and an adult but to give a single female girl who lives in resident a drug that side affects are suicide, thats not okay! The laws need to be changed! And for the school's they found her passed out a few times on campus from drinking so much and she had razor blades on her a few times! Why wouldn't someone contact her parents.

i am not blaming the university at all but someone should have known about her and what was going on with her to even make the phone call to mom and dad. She went home a week before she went missing and the father did say she was not her self and stressed but didn't feel she was that bad no because she hid it and now that poor father is blaming himself over this. Ugh its so sad!

Then there is my Christian beliefs coming out which bugs me the most is that everyone on the facebook group all have picture from Heaven and saying Nadia is watching down on us. She is with God. Why would God choose to take this beautiful angel? Ugh its frustrating!

Anyways life is tough at times but not tough enough to ever cause so many people pain. And I am sad for Luc as he and Nadia had a fight the day before she went missing and now he has to live with this for the rest of his life, he is only 19. Life is not fair.

Good Appointment

2008-04-16T05:27:00.001-07:00

So yesterday Evan and I went to the doctor I am thankful to have a good friend who came over and watched all 4 wild children. So Evan and I went and she talked to us, we got Evan's count back and it was good and we she was happy that the metformin is working for me and that I am getting my period more regular. So tomorrow I go and get a blood test to see if I ovulated this month, my hope that the test will show that I am pregnant lol. Oh if dreams came true!

I really need to have a life change and change my weight and work my butt off! But you know how hard this is! Last night was the final for the biggest loser and oh my god! I wish I could go on that show and get the same help. I would probably be kicked off first but who knows! I need the motitvation Evan is no help at all... And I don't have time to go to weight watchers thats what happens when ya have a job!

Is it friday?

2008-04-10T10:55:00.000-07:00

So I sit here and think about it would be like to have my own child one I would have to deal with 24/7 amongest with 5 other children and it gets overwhelming.

The worst part of infertility is when people ask you if your going to have kids and you tell them you have feritlity problems and they say I am so sorry. Why are you sorry! Don't be sorry its not your fault and don't feel weird about talking about kids with me, believe me I am so happy for you that you have kids, yes I would like my own but I also know that God will.

Evan and I are still talking about teh whole foster to adopt thing, I wonder if its just better to go through CAS to Adopt instead of fostering, I am not sure yet. Really I wish I could just have someone have a baby for me and give it to me LOL.

A ex co-worker her Sister in law is pregnant again for the second time the first is with grandma she is 18 and can't look after her first so they are trying to tell her to give it up for adoption. I told my friend that Evan and I would be happy to look into everything, she said she would let them all know. I am not getting any hopes up or anything, but I did tell my friend that she and the family would have all rights to the child.

On to other things:

So this week has been hell! My kids are not listening and my little 16 month old is oh man nothing but trouble and attitude this week. He doesn't think its important to sleep anymore. Then at night he is miserable for mom and dad, I feel bad.
I want the weekend to come now!!! Along with Miserable he has been sick today too ahhhhhhh I could very easily lose my mind!

I am craving waffles, so tonight for dinner it will be waffles waffles waffles!

I found this video very touching

2008-04-09T12:15:00.000-07:00

I know alot of people who have infertility and I believe God has blessed me with them and also with a great message board of great women who are always there for you. I have learned so much from these people about infertility.

It is heart aching but yes Evan and I are in it together!

http://www.tearsandhope.com/ click on the video its amazing

Birth Control or Practice

2008-04-07T07:27:00.000-07:00

So I have started to watch a 9 month old baby boy he is adorable big boy and cute, but then he has that ear piercing scream and I just want to cry! His mom is a single mom and is a nurse so that means we have him 2days 6:25am-7:30pm and then two nights 6:25pm till who knows when, then 5 days off. I really wish we all could have jobs like that 4 days then 5 off sweeeeeeet!

Today is the first night, Mom is sick with the flu and called asking if I would take him for the full day today to. So if mom is sick all night We might have him till Wednesday, crazy eh I know!

So this will be either good practice or it will be Birth Control for us.

On a side note if all is well I should be ovulating sometime in the next week so I pray Evan and I can get alone time and that I am not to tired for it, because believe me last night I was exhausted lol. And Evan should be done his infection and I should be Ovultating, I believe I ovulate because I get bad pain and I get bad pimples at the time of Ovulation!

Evan and I go to see our doctor on Tuesday next week. We will see what we will do from there.

Its beautiful outside, Evan and I bought a swing set this weekend, I love it! And I am sure the kids will love it also when its not so muddy back there, its suppose to get up to 66 today or 19 for us canadians. We also bought a sun shade shelter this weekend to, we were trying to find a patio set but couldn't. But truely to be honest not sure if I want one we will see, I have to be in love with it. Last year I was in love with one at the superstore but not for the price.

I am excited to have children because we will be set! Our kids will have everything. Thats the best thing about this job, we will be ready for our own children and won't have to fork out tons of cash for things.

Give me Strength

2008-04-02T08:57:00.001-07:00

Oh God please give me strength to deal with today!

Today has been a day I want it to be over with!

First off this morning I have 5 kids which is fine my oldest decides not to listen and just ignores me so time to herself till she is ready to talk.

Then I am making snack I drop a whole slice of french toast in a sick of hot water ughhhhhhhhhhh

Then I opened the grape juice and it exploded all over me and all over the counter

Then I spilt 1/2 cup of syrup on the counter

For the past hour I have been listening to a child who is screaming bl**dy murder, he is over tired and refuses to sleep. Ugh!!

Just give me the strength to deal with him.

I think this afternoon after nap time I will take them for a walk. maybe I will get the stroller out now and try to get Nevin to sleep that way

tough times

2008-03-31T09:23:00.000-07:00

So I have been thinking about this for a week now and its tough its on my mind maybe because I want to be a mother one day, and I can just see the pain and sorrow that this family is dealing with.

Evan has a cousin named Luc and Luc's friend has been missing since March 9th 2008, how does one Vanish? She had a fight with a few people that day and talked about ending her life in an email. She took her diary and phone and skates, She told her roomate she was going skating but at 11:30 at night? When Ottawa had a big snow storm?

Anyways the thing is Luc was involved in a fight with her and now alot of people on facebook blame him. I feel awful for Luc. I hope Nadia returns home and appologizes to Luc for now his reputation is bad.

I know people have mental problems and this is the case in this, she was depressed and was taking meds, well obivously she stopped the drugs or they made her dissapear. Evan has an uncle who has dissapeard and was a different person and ran away from his home. But Robin was not in college and had his own house and car so he was able to. Where Nadia either has to be in some city living on the streets or is being hidden from someone and if that someone is keeping Nadia they need to contact her parent. Nadia's dad does look that the worst could have happend, she could have killed herself and is under the snow but its melting and people have searched everywhere. And as people say if someone is going to kill themselves they will do it close so they are found.

I reall truely Pray that Nadia comes home and that her and Luc can work out their problems. But I want Nadia to come so people can stop blamming Luc and for the parents also they feel awful. They feel guility.

Cry cry cry!

2008-03-30T16:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Evan and I was at the mall and there was a teeny tiny baby, I thought about it and I want a baby and its killing me I want a baby now ugh why can people have children who don't want them but people who are hurting inside because they want a child so bad and can't. I DON'T GET IT! I don't get why.. Yes in time God will provide but seriously what about that baby that is born today to a drug addict and is now in Foster Care, why did God choose to give her a baby when she can't even care for the child, but I can and want a baby and I am not getting one.

I need to start getting healthy and lose weight I am going on a strict diet and am going to work out, I just need to start feeling better. Today I feel like crap not sure why just do.

Anyways I just finished my period and Evan is almost done his pills so I am going to try really hard this month to get that take home baby.

Daycare

2008-03-27T11:41:00.001-07:00

complain complain complain??

2008-03-25T06:04:00.000-07:00

SO I feel like all I do is come on here and complain complain and complain, I guess its a blog so I can write how I feel.

Well anyways I went to the doctor and I have a small case of pnemonia and a sinus infection.

My grandma had a heart attack on the weekend.

On Sunday we had a great visit with Evan's aunt and my hot boyfriend. Port Dover is pretty I can't wait to go back when the pool is open and go see the beach.

OMG!!

2008-03-22T05:41:00.000-07:00

OMG
thats all I have to say! I am so upset and angry at my husbands family.

So I will try not to be long about this but here is what has happend

his younger brother Seth was in a play last night in Hamilton, we did not want to go. Evan's sister in law Kim who is married to his brother Curtis, had minor surgrey on monday and wasn't up to driving for 2 hours to watch a play at 8:30 at night. So we had said no on monday night.. So his mother has not called anyone all week, didn't even call Kim to ask how she was feeling after she knew she was in so much pain on Monday. So we knew she was mad. Well Yesterday they kept calling and making the boys feel guility into going, Curtis almost went but thats awhole other story.

So then after they made the boys feel like sh*t I called up and was very bluntful to his father and told his father they can't get everything so they have a choice, us coming last night or tonight for dinner. So I hung up on them. Curtis was upset I said some stuff but it needed to be said, I said stuff from the past with Seth living with us and how he used us and yeah how they were all blinded and he has never thanked us or anything.

So after this all Cecil called back crying and said he was so sorry. Then I made Bambi Apologize to both boys. Well Curtis decided to go behind our backs and went out there and said I was out of line and I said things I shouldn't and well made me look like the bad guy. He then got mad at Kim for telling me he went out there but she was upset with him because we were all on the same page and anyways. I am still waiting an apology from him.

To make everything worst I am so sick.. I have a 101 fever and a cold like there is no tomorrow my eyes are crying and my nose its a fountain.

Anyways today we are going to his parents to have dinner and we also have a baby shower to go to. so i hope all goes well. wish us luck!

Tomorrow we are going to Jackie's Evan's aunts I can't wait!

Our Neice is 6 month's old! Happy 6th month Larkin Ava!!

2008-03-17T12:34:00.001-07:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Wedding slide show for our 5th anniversary

2008-03-16T19:33:00.000-07:00

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Frustrated

2008-03-15T15:07:00.000-07:00

Okay why do we as women have to do everything and men just sit around.

My husband was raised in a home of 4 men and 1 women so his mom did everything for everyone being the only women. I will say she does lack on the cleaning in her house.
Evan and I have been together for 6 years he knows what I want and what I don't like. Anyways I always seem that I have to be the one to ask him to help around the house, or I have to suggest doing things.

Don't get me wrong he helps around the house in lots of areas and is great for it but I always have to tell him to do things beyond the simply things. Like help wash the bedding, wash the bath tub, I do the toilets he does the tub.

Today we were getting our passport photos done and I told him not to wear a bright shirt or white. Well he came down in a bright red shirt, I asked him to change he took out like 3 shirts and I said white, bright, no grungy looking. Well ge got mad and said well you pick so I picked a blue and brown one, he took it umm it looks bright to me. From bright yellow to a blue Not really loser!!! So I got so mad at him that he can't do a simple thing and I always have to do things and I am not his mother. I blew up big time at him and was ready to leave and spend the day away from him. I said some harsh words but to me I had to get it out I even remember apologizing for saying it but kept saying things. Like seriosuly.

We went out and stopped by my friends house I vented to her for about 5 mins then got back in the car and we talked and I said I really need you to take initiative in things and I don't want to always have to be the one to do things. Its frustrating let me tell you.

Anyways things are better! But still Men Men MEN!!!

first try

2008-03-11T15:33:00.001-07:00

Infection!

2008-03-09T18:40:00.000-07:00

Well Evan has an infection. But good news is he is on 6 weeks of antibotics. But a good story, a friend's friend tried for 5 years to have a baby and then her husband did the sperm test and he had an infection and they did the round of antibiotics and she got pregnant after he was done! So there is hope for me! I am happy to hear this!

Anyways this past weekend we dug out knee high snow! Crazy eh!

We also spent the weekend in the basement cleaning it and clearing all the toys out of the way. Evan got the walls up and now he mudded it! Its looking great I can't wait to put the ceiling up and paint then the floors! I am so excited for it all!!

Easter is coming soon! We are going to see Evan's aunt Jackie I love Jackie and we are going to his parents house. Shhh don't tell anyone but I love dan Jackie's husband more!

Over My head!

2008-03-06T07:36:00.000-08:00

Ugh sometimes I wonder why I do things for people and well everything. My life is so busy I have so much things to do and just feel in the dumps all the time to tired to get stuff done.

Evan and I shared our house for almost the past year it was the roughest times and I will never do it again unless its my mom and dad lol. Anyways now we have our place back, our basement is a disaster and needs drywall, paint and floorings. I have dreams, i would love for a bathroom to be put in but its way to much work and I am cheap and don't want to pay someone for it as we are probably going to move to Toronto in the next 2 years or so.

So this weekend Evan and I need to clean the whole basement its a pigsty. I think tomorrow night we will start on it. Have a few drinks and clean the basement LOL sounds like a plan.

And then hopefully we can do that tomorrow night then Saturday if we aren't snowed in go buy the stuff for the drywall and start drywalling the walls and the ceiling.

Anyways I have taken in 5 kids total, I had a 3.5 year old start yesterday and OMG its like talking to a doorknob, I get so frustrated and so angry with him, HE WILL NOT LISTEN UNLESS I YELL AT HIM. He is so babied and ugh anyways so I need to break this, I know it won't come easy but I Can do it hopefully.

I also have an 8 month old starting with me and well he has screamed 2 out of 3 visits yesterday he did awesome, thank God!

I need to also get an Alphabet program going to work with these kids on their alphabet and I also need to make a new menu plan. I need a holiday!

Life is not easy at all! Especially when you look into the future. And I know we don't know what the future will hold but its not easy!

Today has been something

2008-03-03T17:31:00.000-08:00

So yes this is my third post today

So Evan and I are trying to take 3 trips from this summer till next may, we are hoping to start fertility treatments in January and well we are suppose to go on a cruise in May 2009, so off we went to book it today. Its not any cruise its our friends wedding, we get to the travel agent and wouldn't you know they have cancelled the cruise and haven't told anyone not even the travel agent. Oh man!!! so I was so looking forward to the cruise and I feel so awful for Troy and Nancy, I know they will find something else but will they?? for the price, where they want to go... hmmmm so now I sit and watch facebook and see if the travel agent called them yet. I feel so awful for Nancy!

I will keep you posted

Today

2008-03-03T16:03:00.001-08:00

Today is interesting

Evan and I moved our bedroom into the back of the house as we made the big room a den, spare/office/workout. Anyways last night I guess there was fire/police and ambulance in front of our house at 1:30am.

So we wake up this morning to a cop car sitting across the street in the neighbours drive way, well then another comes, then the forensic identification truck comes and the Canadian FBI lol. So now this place is a homicide place.

I saw my next door neighbour and asked them they said they took a baby on a stretcher I guess they had a new baby in December which was very premature and well not sure if the baby is dead or what but why would the Forensic people come if it wasn't a homicide ugh it drives me nuts! To think that this baby could be dead, My neighbour said the baby had like brain bleeding when it was borna nd stuff.

Anyways the police have finally left!

Trying to Conceive

2008-03-03T11:46:00.000-08:00

Evan and I have been trying for a baby for over a year now and no luck yet! So I have been seeing a doctor to see if the issues I have are causing the fact that I have fertility problems.

In August I had ultrasounds and it was the worst thing, anyways I do have cysts on my ovaries but she isn't that worried about them.

Evan is now completing his side of the tests.We both go see the fertility doctor together on April 1st.

This past cycle I really thought there might be a chance we were pregnant but of course the day I was going to test, I was let down with my period ughhh. Its the worst feeling in the world. This all happend last Friday!!Well last Friday night we went to see friends and they told us they were pregnant it was soooooooo tough!!

UGHHHHHHHHHHH Why can so many people who don't want children or are so not ready to be parents and suck at it can get pregnant so easy. But for people who really want children they have to die for it!I am lucky I have a few friends who have problems so they help me through it all.